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Cloud Shimmers [Final]

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CloudShimmers Equestrian

CloudShimmers

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[pegasus] Cloud Shimmers

Roleplay Type: Main

Name: Cloud Shimmers

Sex: Stallion/colt/male

Age: Stallion(18)

Species: Pegasus

Coat Color: cobalt blue

Mane/Tail/Markings Color & Style: blonde

Eye Color: viridian

Cutie Mark: pair of dice(luck)

Physique: tall, normal

Origin: originally born in Canterlot, spent a lot of time traveling. Left home when he was an older colt and has been traveling ever since.

Occupation: author but loves drawing

Motivation: to protect those he cares about

Likes: (optional) pineapples, muffins, mares, helping his friends

Dislikes: (optional) apples, jerks

Character Summary:

Cloud was born in canterlot to his loving mother, his father left before he was born but Cloud didn't care. After he finished his scholarly endeavors he traveled the world for inspiration. Cloud's never been happy in just one place and finds himself liking wherever he goes. According to his best friend Rhapsody he is good at giving advice but he has doubts of his own sometimes. Despite making jokes about "chatting up the mares" he really does care about anypony he wants to be with, However when he's got a crush he'll turn a bit shy.

When Cloud was in a foal he was invited to play a game with some friends, Cloud joined into the card game and one with a full house, and on his way home from his victory he stumbled across a sack with a hundred bits in it, he looked around to see if anyone had dropped it but the only other pony around was a cute filly from his class, he trotted over and asked if she would go on a date with him; upon her saying yes he received his cutie mark, a pair of dice! A couple of years after receiving his cutie mark, he discovered that it had a Dark Side to it. While he got happiness with his good luck he would feel sorrow with his bad luck.

When he was an older colt his family home burned down and he was left with nothing, he felt like it was his fault because of his luck. He was the only one to get out and he travels to avoid looking back on his past and running from any bad luck that could follow him.

On one of Cloud's adventures he spent some time with a traveling sword smith who taught him how to fight, even in a peaceful land like Equestria you still have to watch out for trouble.

As Cloud grew up he found himself writing in a journal, he wrote about all of the things he saw and was able to get his journal published. He is known as an adventurer and hopes that ponies of all ages enjoy his tales. Cloud's published works have given him more money than he really needs, but he donates a lot of it to charity, especially those for families who are homeless because of natural disasters(fires). Despite claiming to find new adventures, Cloud really travels so that his bad luck won't hurt anypony else.

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brianblackberry Alicorn

brianblackberry

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Greetings, feel that you have a good basic setup for your character. I especially like the luck factor. What do I feel that to make this a truly good application is some significant padding out of his character so he will be more well-rounded and interesting (and fun) to RP with. Therefore I have a couple critiques and questions to help move you along that way.

Origin: originally born in Canterlot, spent a lot of time traveling. Left home when he was 15 and has been traveling ever since.

Because we don't know how ponies age in a precise manner in Equestria, we avoid exsplicit year ages. Instead use a term like "older colt". This is also true for his present age, use adjectives like "young" with stallion or "just because a stallion", etc.

When Cloud was in Elementary, he beat all of his friends in cards, found one-hundred bits in a bag, and got a date on the same day. This resulted in him acquiring his cutie mark of lucky dice for his favored luck, however it works both ways; if he gets bad luck then it is to the extreme

It would be easier to understand if you structured it like so: "One day while Cloud was just a foal he had his first amazing streak of good luck; he had a perfect day at cards, stumbled upon a hundred bits, and managed to get his first date all on the same day. On the moment the filly accepting him asking her, he got his cutie mark, a pair of dice. It represented his regular streaks of extreme luck, whether good or ill."

I would elaborate that the purpose of his travels is not only to "see the world" but in hopes he can use his streaks to amass wealth (and hope that negative streaks doesn't wipe it out).

You mentioned that his home burned down (presumingly while still living there with his mother), what happened to her? Did the fact he felt the house burning down was his fault affect him in any profound way? Such has making him more cautious (or even less cautious, figuring its all luck anyway).

Has he done anything with his writings? Does he want to take the fact that he writes and make it into a career someday?

In what ways has he earned the wealth he accumulated thus far?

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brianblackberry Alicorn

brianblackberry

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Looks good overall, however it would be substantially easier to read if broken up into paragraphs. That is the only part that is holding the application back now, as it makes it difficult to read.

Cloud was born in canterlot to his loving mother, his father left before he was born but Cloud didn't care. After he finished his scholarly endeavors he traveled the world for inspiration. Cloud's never been happy in just one place and finds himself liking wherever he goes. According to his best friend Rhapsody he is good at giving advice but he has doubts of his own sometimes. Despite making jokes about "chatting up the mares" he really does care about anypony he wants to be with, However when he's got a crush he'll turn a bit shy.

Should be a paragraph.

When Cloud was in a foal he was invited to play a game with some friends, Cloud joined into the card game and one with a full house, and on his way home from his victory he stumbled across a sack with a hundred bits in it, he looked around to see if anyone had dropped it but the only other pony around was a cute filly from his class, he trotted over and asked if she would go on a date with him; upon her saying yes he received his cutie mark, a pair of dice! A couple of years after receiving his cutie mark, he discovered that it had a Dark Side to it. While he got happiness with his good luck he would feel sorrow with his bad luck.

Should be a paragraph.

When he was an older colt his family home burned down and he was left with nothing, he felt like it was his fault because of his luck. He was the only one to get out and he travels to avoid looking back on his past and running from any bad luck that could follow him.

Should be a paragraph.

On one of Cloud's adventures he spent some time with a traveling sword smith who taught him how to fight, even in a peaceful land like Equestria you still have to watch out for trouble.

Should be a paragraph.

As Cloud grew up he found himself writing in a journal, he wrote about all of the things he saw and was able to get his journal published. He is known as an adventurer and hopes that ponies of all ages enjoy his tales. Cloud's published works have given him more money than he really needs, but he donates a lot of it to charity, especially those for families who are homeless because of natural disasters(fires). Despite claiming to find new adventures, Cloud really travels so that his bad luck won't hurt anypony else.

Should be a paragraph.

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brianblackberry Alicorn

brianblackberry

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Looks much easier to read. :) My only remaining question from before is what happened to his family after his hom burned down? Does he still see them? Other than this one remaining question, I feel the application is set.

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