Um i need constructive criticism please.

[Sheenmetamorphosis]

Ok i wrote a small story and would like the opinions of other bronies to help me improve upon my writing skills. please help.

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Long ago there was a colt who wielded great power, greater than any pony ever thought possible. His name was Gleaming Sword one of the few ponies gifted with both wings and a horn. As he grew older he power only increased. He managed to gain a position as the captain of the guard. With all he did to protect equestrian he never had time to make a single friend. Before long he began to resent the other ponies. He thought that they were too weak to be allowed to live. Soon after deciding that Gleaming sword when on a rampage burning villages to the ground, his brutal attacks against the very people he was sworn to protect quickly caught the attention of princess Celestia. With the aid of both her sister Luna and the elements of harmony she managed to trap Gleaming sword in the body of a bunny. He would be force to remain in that form until he learned to truly care for some pony.

He was heavily guarded for many years until the fateful day of the sonic rainboom. As it unleashed Twilight sparkle’s hidden power, it also caused the perfect distraction for the little bunny to escape. Gleaming sword quickly fled as he happened upon a young filly with a sweet and loving voice singing to the local wild life. Her voice compelled him to approach. He followed the young fluttershy from that point on remembering that he had to learn to care for some pony to regain his former body. As she noticed his constant presence she gave him the pet name angel. He watched her grow without her suspecting anything of what he truly was. But things changed as she returned from her encounter with Chrysalis He had realized he had missed her. He had worried that something would happen to her as she was gone.

He had begun to care for her. As he realized this a green light began to slowly spin around His small frame engulfing him. Fluttershy watched in terror as “Angel” was swallowed up by the strange light. When it dissipated there was Gleaming Sword standing there with a smile on his face. “I am free and I owe it all to you Fluttershy.” He said as he approached her. “Wha-what did you do with angel?” she asked cowering on the ground. “The answer is simple my dear, I am Angel.” He said with a grin. He explained to her his story before heading for the door. “Where are you going angel, oh I mean Gleaming sword?” She asked still a little unsure about his story. “Why my dear Fluttershy I have to exact my revenge on the two that bound me to that form for so many years.” He said as he walked out the door and disappeared into the Everfree forest. She quickly rushed to warn twilight of what she had just seen and heard.

Twilight sparkle was skeptical of the idea because she had never heard of Gleaming Sword in any books of equestrian history. Still she sent a letter of warning to Princess Celestia Just to reassure Fluttershy. Much to her surprise Celestia reply almost instantly. The letter asked for all of the wielders of the elements to meet with her in canterlot.

As they arrived in canterlot only to find it under heavy watch from the guard, Shining armor was even sent to retrieve them from the train. As they walked twilight asked why there where so many guards if Chrysalis had been defeated. He replied by saying “I don’t know twilight Celestia Ordered us to double our guard. She seemed almost afraid.” That reply only made her more anxious to find out just who this colt was. As soon as she reached Celestia she could see for herself the worry in her eyes. “Twilight sparkle thank goodness you arrived unharmed.” Celestia greeted. “What’s going on who is this gleaming sword?” twilight asked. “He was the captain of the guard long ago twilight, one of the most gifted ponies I had ever seen. But something dark grew inside of him. The elements alone may not be enough to stop him I am afraid, you will need to recruit, I can’t believe I am saying this, but you must try to ally yourselves with Chrysalis. Her changeling army and the elements may have a chance at stopping gleaming armor from destroying all of Equestria” Celestia said only to be answered by a laugh. “That is a good plan; It would have been better it your guards could have kept me from hearing it.” Startled they all looked towards the door to see a hooded colt standing there.

In the hall behind him there laid a handful of guards he had knocked unconscious shining armor included. “Now don’t get me wrong I want to see this place burn as much as the next pony, but I would be content to Just disposing of you and your sister Princess.” He said with a grin. “Shining armor!” Twilight yelled as she ran toward Gleaming Sword. He swung his left hoof and caught her in the side of the head knocking her out cold. “so this is what passes for your prized student these day, I must say I am disappointed Celestia.” He said as his horn glowed and caused vines to break through the ground and bind Applejack Rarity and Rainbow dash. “It seems we have to deal with him again Luna.” Celestia said aher and Luna stepped forward horns glowing. “please you think you have a chance against me without the elements. He said with a laugh. Fluttershy quickly rushed in front of him. “Sorry but I can’t let you do that he is still angel after all.” She turned and looked at him. “But I also can’t allow you to harm any pony else.” She said staring at Gleaming armor. “Ruin my fun why don’t you. Fine then I will allow them to live if I am permitted to live in ponyville and watch over Fluttershy.” He said with a frown.

“You where right Luna Even someone like Gleaming sword can be turned good by the power of caring for others.” Celestia said with a smile. “Let’s head home then.” Twilight said as she started heading toward the door. Only Gleaming sword lingered. Her turned and stared at the two princesses. “Let’s see now how long Fluttershy can keep me from taking down your precious city. He said as he began to head out the door himself.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Constructive criticism is appreciated as this is my first attempt at writing.

[DarkStar]

Hello there... I'm not sure if I can provide any constructive critisism other than with your grammar errors within this writing piece. Here, I even took the time to re-write your whole thing, except for the last paragraph... I left the last paragraph so you can try and see if you can edit that one yourself. The parts of the writing marked in stars, or asterisks(*) are there for a reason... scroll to the bottom of this post to find their meaning, because they provide tips to improve your writing skills.

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Long ago there was a colt who wielded great power, greater than any pony ever thought possible. His name was Gleaming Sword, and he was one of the few ponies gifted with both the wings of the avian pegasus, and the horn of the wise and mystic unicorn. As he grew older, his power had only increased. He managed to gain a position as the captain of the guard.* With all he did to protect Equestria,** he'd never found time to make a single friend. Before long he began to resent the other ponies. He thought that they were too weak to be allowed to live. Soon after his decision, Gleaming Sword had gone on a rampage burning villages to the ground, his brutal attacks against the very ponies he was sworn to protect had quickly caught the attention of Princess Celestia. With the aid of both her sister Luna and the Elements of Harmony she managed to trap Gleaming Sword in the body of a bunny. He was then forced to remain in that form until he learned to truly care for somepony.

He was heavily guarded for many years until the fateful day of the first sonic rainboom. As it unleashed Twilight Sparkle’s hidden power, it also caused the perfect distraction for the little bunny to escape. Gleaming Sword quickly fled as he stumbled upon a young filly with a sweet and loving voice singing to the local wild life. Her voice compelled him to approach. He followed the young Fluttershy. From that point on, he remembered that he had to learn to care for somepony to regain his former body. As she noticed his constant presence, she gave him the pet name, Angel. He watched her grow without her suspecting anything of what he truly was. But things changed as she returned from her encounter with Chrysalis...*** he had realized that he had missed her. He had worried that something terrible might have happened to her while she was gone.

He had begun to care for her. As he realized this, a green light began to slowly spin around his small frame engulfing him. Fluttershy watched in terror as “Angel” was swallowed up by the strange light. When it dissipated there was Gleaming Sword standing there with a smile on his face. “I am free, and I owe it all to you Fluttershy.” He said as he approached her.****

“Wha-what did you do with angel?” she asked cowering on the ground.

“The answer is simple my dear, I am Angel.” He said with a grin. He explained to her his story before heading for the door.

“Where are you going Angel? Oh, I mean, Gleaming Sword?” she asked, still a little unsure about his story.

“Why, my dear Fluttershy, I must exact my revenge on the two that bound me to that form for so many years.” He said as he walked out the door and disappeared into the Everfree forest. She quickly rushed to warn Twilight of what she had just seen and heard.

Twilight Sparkle was skeptical of the idea, because she had never heard of Gleaming Sword in any books of Equestrian history. Still, she sent a letter of warning to Princess Celestia, just to reassure Fluttershy. Much to her surprise, Celestia had replied almost instantly. The letter asked for all of the wielders of the Elements to meet with her in Canterlot.

As they arrived in Canterlot, only to find it under heavy watch from the guard. Shining Armor was even sent to retrieve them from the train. As they walked, Twilight had asked why there were so many guards if Chrysalis had been defeated. He replied with, “I don’t know, Twilight. Celestia had ordered us to double our troop. She seemed almost afraid.” That reply only made her more anxious to find out just who this colt was. As soon as she reached Celestia, she could see for herself the worry in her eyes.

“Twilight Sparkle,***** thank goodness you arrived unharmed.” Celestia greeted.

“I want to know what's going on... who is this Gleaming Sword?” Twilight asked.

“He was the captain of the guard long ago, Twilight. One of the most gifted ponies I had ever seen, but something dark grew inside of him. I fear that the Elements alone may not be enough to stop him. You will need to recruit... I can’t believe I am saying this... but you must try to form an alliance with Chrysalis. Her Changeling army and the elements may have a chance at stopping Gleaming Armor from destroying all of Equestria!” Celestia said, only to be answered by a laugh.

“That is a good plan; It would have been better if your guards would have kept me from hearing it.” Startled, they all looked towards the door to see a hooded colt standing there.

In the hall behind him, there laid a handful of guards he had knocked unconscious... Shining Armor included.

“Now don’t get me wrong, I want to see this place burn as much as the next pony, but I would be content to just disposing of you and your sister, Princess.” He said with a grin.

“Shining Armor!” Twilight yelled as she ran toward Gleaming Sword. He swung his left hoof and caught her in the side of the head, knocking her out cold.

“So... this is what passes for your prized student these days, I must say I am disappointed, Celestia.” He said as his horn glowed and caused vines to break through the ground and bind Applejack, Rarity, and Rainbow Dash.

“It seems we have to deal with him again Luna.” Celestia said to her, and Luna stepped forward, both of their horns glowing.

“Please... do you really think you have a chance against me without the elements?” he said with a laugh. Fluttershy quickly rushed in front of him.

“Sorry, but I can’t let you do that he is still angel after all.” She turned and looked at him. “But I also can’t allow you to harm anypony else.” She said staring at Gleaming Armor.

“Ruin my fun, why don’t you? Fine then I will allow them to live if I am permitted to live in Ponyville and watch over Fluttershy.” he said with a frown.

“You where right Luna Even someone like Gleaming sword can be turned good by the power of caring for others.” Celestia said with a smile. “Let’s head home then.” Twilight said as she started heading toward the door. Only Gleaming sword lingered. Her turned and stared at the two princesses. “Let’s see now how long Fluttershy can keep me from taking down your precious city. He said as he began to head out the door himself. ******

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The plain underlined items within the writing piece correct things like spelling and grammer errors that I spotted as I read it, and sometimes they're punctuation marks that I added to try and enhance the feeling and flow of words. 'Sentence Fluency' is what I'm referring to, where the sentences blend together naturally and make sense.

The bold underlined items show words or phrases that I literally changed myself because I believed those words fit better than the other ones, so this whole writing piece might be a few words longer than before it was edited like this.

* To what extent was his power that he had the ability to recruit as a member of the guard? What was it about his powers that made him capable of being one? Are they destructive powers, or maybe ones that defend?

** Never never never mistake the spelling of Equestria. Oh, and don't forget to capitalize the beginning 'E' in the word. This is what we call a proper noun... proper nouns are ALWAYS capitalized.

*** Notice the little triple periods I had added. '...' It marks a long pause, and if you see it from my perspective, a long pause can be a real bringer of emotion. Think about when someone is sad, or if they're going to cry. They don't just keep talking with a consecutive word flow, they pause a lot. Even at times like Gleaming Sword thinking about how he cared for Fluttershy, it can be seen as an emotional moment, so a long pause could generate such a feeling that your audience would know how much he cares for her.

**** You must always always ALWAYS indent frequently when it comes to dialogue, or two or more people speaking. Indentation is also necessary when marking the beginning of a new paragraph. You must also indent when the next person, or pony in this case, goes to speak.

***** Remember, that even everypony in Equestria has at least a first and last name. You must do with ponies' names as you do with regular peoples' names. Capitalize their first, AND last names. "Twilight Sparkle" for example. Notice how both her first and last names are capitalized. You have to do this with every proper noun. Including the names of cities, countries, brand names, and sometimes, even items of significance such as the Elements of Harmony.

****** Now I want you to try. This could very easliy just be a rough draft, right? For any writing piece, there's usually the rough draft, where the writing first starts out(kind of like a beta version of a game or something), then there's the final copy, which is the refined, edited, and final version of the writing. Observe the corrections and some additions that I've made to your writing piece already. This may not be your thing, but I tend to edit my writing pieces as I go. Whenever I make a grammer error or spelling or whatnot, I immediately correct it. While writing, if I believe another word/s or phrase/s could be used to make the piece sound better, then of course I would go to add them in. I'm not saying you have to do things like that, but you can if you want to.

Well, there's my constructive critisism for you... I'm not sure if that's really critisism rather than just advice, but I tried my best. Oh yes, and I would like to comment on a little bit of your story... I think Gleaming Sword had given up far too easily. To me, there was hardly any emotion by his sudden surrender. It just sounded like "Okay, I give up."

I was expecting more of an emotional battle between Fluttershy and Gleaming Sword, where Fluttershy tries to get him to see just what it is that he's doing wrong. If Gleaming Sword still hasn't learned anything after Fluttershy went to confront him, then he obviously never learned anything, really. It's not much of a happy ending at all, if you ask me. Look at when Twilight Sparkle and her friends stopped Nightmare Moon, a.k.a. Princess Luna, from taking over Equestria... she actually and sincerely apologized and wished to take her side next to Princess Celestia again. And I don't think Gleaming Sword really cares about Fluttershy at all... that he just used her to turn himself back into his old pony form and therefore shouldn't have been able to change back in the first place. To care for somepony is not to just use them for one's own self-righteous needs. At least that's how I see it... if you can explain that to me, then please do. Other than that, the only thing really wrong with it is a little spelling and grammer errors here and there. I'm sorry if I offended you at all... just trying to help.