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Relch McGliff [Ready]

Drakeven

By Drakeven
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Drakeven Blank Flank

Drakeven

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Posted (edited)

[colour=#000000]Roleplay Type:[/colour][colour=#000000] World of Equestria[/colour]

[colour=#000000]Name:[/colour][colour=#000000] Relch McGliff[/colour]

[colour=#000000]Sex:[/colour][colour=#000000]Male[/colour]

[colour=#000000]Age:[/colour][colour=#000000]Young Adult[/colour]

[colour=#000000]Species:[/colour][colour=#000000]Griffon[/colour]

[colour=#000000]Eye colour:[/colour][colour=#000000] Green[/colour]

[colour=#000000]Coat:[/colour][colour=#000000]Head is white, back is Grey.[/colour]

[colour=#000000]Mane/Tail:[/colour][colour=#000000]Blackish[/colour]

[colour=#000000]Physique:[/colour][colour=#000000]Quite good posture, doesn't slack. Not so muscular but he is lager than the average Griffin.[/colour]

[colour=#000000]Residence:[/colour][colour=#000000] Like-A-Train-But-Not Airship[/colour]

[colour=#000000]Occupation:[/colour][colour=#000000]Long distance Airship driver/amature explorer[/colour]

[colour=#000000]Cutie Mark[/colour][colour=#000000]: N/A[/colour]

[colour=#000000]History:[/colour][colour=#000000] Relch McGriff grew up in the main city of the Griffin kingdom,Talonpolis, where the buildings were tall and the smell of progress was in the air. In school, he got himself into many a problem; whether it was an issue with teacher or some trouble with a schoolmate Relch always had to have the last word. He never really liked school, he always dreamt of adventure, getting out there and facing the world! Traveling, exploring, facing danger at every turn; all dreams in his head until One day he had to move to Equestria. His family had business there and had to move, he liked the idea of moving from the boring familiar city, so he packed his bags as fast as you could say “To adventu-”. He lived in Canterlot for a few years, trying to explore every nook and cranny, and it grew on him, the colours and the buildings all so different and so new, but they reminded home in the sense of wonder he felt when he was growing up and exploring Talonpolis. So when he finally went back to the city he missed so, with the bustling markets and slim dark alleys that hide those secret shops that sell rare antiques from other lands (Or absolute rubbish depending on which alley you went into) he couldn't choose which one he wanted to stay at! He chose both! He became the closest he could to being a famous explorer, an Airship driver. Now he shows the wonder he felt to others, while trying to explore the world himself[/colour]

[colour=#000000]Character Summary:[/colour][colour=#000000] Relch likes new things, from new technology to new places. He always wants to be the one to have/explore it first, he also wants to be the first one to tell ponies new things. Though he will not go to any extreme measures to acquire his goal of being first, he does not like competitors. Books do interest him, though he would rather experience things up and close, such as a book about evil monsters devouring a village in [/colour]one fell swoop[colour=#000000].[/colour]

[colour=#000000]“Let us go find a real one! What do you mean they are not real? Well obviously no ones found one yet! We will be the first!”[/colour]

[colour=#000000]That’s why he works as a Long Distance Air-ship driver, the blimp he drives is called Like-A-Train-but-not (He is not very good at names) So he ships ponies,Griffons, Zebras and any other sort of creature that wants to go a long way fast to and from anywhere they want to go, for a price of course. Unless they are going somewhere he hasn’t gone before, then his curiosity drives him to go, therefore he halves the price.You may think he doesn't have much Pegasus/Griffon client "They both can fly! Why do they need an Airship?" Well that can be summed up in one word [/colour][colour=#000000]"Quality"[/colour][colour=#000000] Why fly in the wind and the rain, when you can be sitting down in a heated room, eating[/colour][colour=#000000] quality[/colour][colour=#000000] food with friends, and as friends go Relch always loves to meet new ponies or Griffons or....well anything else! Do note though, he does not own this Air-ship, he is employed by a travel company that ships mainly from the Griffon kingdom to Equestria, he manages to keep his little "Discounts" [/colour]unnoticed[colour=#000000] by selling the interesting things that he finds along his travels and paying for the interesting individual that he has transported. Yes it's wasting money but, Relch loves getting on the good side of interesting and nice individuals, Though he seems to be more interested in meeting them and finding out about them rather than holding a conversation. He does not have a fixed home per say, he lives on his Like-a-train-but-not his bedroom near the pilot's room so if anything goes wrong he is on hand (Or hoof). He also has guest accommodation for those long trips. If you even need to be somewhere, or just want to explore, Relch is your main Griffon! [/colour]

Edited by Drakeven
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starswirlthebearded Wonderbolt

starswirlthebearded

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Posted

Hey there Drakeven! I'm no help staffer but I figured I'd chime in on your app to give you a bit of help. Keep in mind that I am not RPHS, so everything I say is opinion, and you can feel free to disregard any of it.

Before I start, I want to say that, overall, this is rather good for a first time app. Almost everything is there even though it is a bit short, and I got a good sense of where your character came from and why he does what he does. However, it isn't perfect.

First off, and this is purely a lore thing. I think the name of the city where he grew up and later returned to that you are looking for is called Talonpolis in the area of Aquellia (the name of the Griffin Kingdom). It isn't a huge thing, but it binds your character into the Griffin lore a bit nicer than just saying "the central city of the Griffin kingdom."

The other thing from the history, for me, boils down to simple proofreading. There are some grammatical and spelling errors, as well as punctuation. If you need any help with that feel free to ask.

On that same note, I really don't know what you mean by the sentence "[colour=#000000]But they reminded home in the sense of wonder he felt when he first explored there." Do you mean that Canterlot reminded him of Talonpolis (or other city you wish to refer to) where he grew up when he first explored it? (Naturally meaning he didn't see it all by that point). [/colour]

[colour=#000000]And I think blimps are called "airships" but that terminology should be fine, basically the same thing, so that is really a trifle. And it seems that is inconsistent within the app. Try to make everything uniform. Keep capitalization uniform for the name of the Airship, and either call it an Airship or a blimp (personally I prefer the former)[/colour]

[colour=#000000]The character summary is off to a great start! However, I feel like you can do more to describe your character. Specifically with interactions between characters. Does he interact with ponies the same way as griffins and ponies? Does he get many Griffin clientele as they can all fly? If not, if his base of operations are both in Aquellia and in Canterlot, how does he get clientele for return trips? Does he know things that others don't, acting as a tour guide? (Personally I think having no base would be a better choice, since you already made it a point to state that he lives on his airship)[/colour]

Last thing has to do with the image on the bottom of your app... I'm not entirely sure how the cigarette will be received.

And I think that does it. Overall it is a short but fairly succinct app. It gives, more or less, what is needed to know about your character without being overly or insufficiently detailed. And most of the editing you'll need to do is for clarity or in general proofreading! :)

So.... Great work! Really. Just a few minor things to improve it and it should be a top rate app in my opinion!

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SteelEagle Alicorn

SteelEagle

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Posted

Already, having reviewed it, I really like it. Only two things stand out:

1- Minor edits for spelling and grammar.

2- Clarify the airship some more. I don't believe for Mane RP that we can allow a character to own one or have such executive control over one. It would be wise to say that he is just the driver, an employee of a larger business.

Only complaints, so a very well done app that is quite literally at the finish line.

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starswirlthebearded Wonderbolt

starswirlthebearded

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May I ask, how do I get this thing going? Is it accepted or? I don't mean to bother anyone...But...Erm...

SteelEagle is the RPH in charge of this app. If you corrected the things he mentioned let him know by replying here and he'll send it up for final review by SRPHS who will stamp it for WoE.

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SteelEagle Alicorn

SteelEagle

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May I ask, how do I get this thing going? Is it accepted or? I don't mean to bother anyone...But...Erm...

yeah, you need to reply and tell me what ya did so I know you did the edits.:P Then I can review and toss it up.

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starswirlthebearded Wonderbolt

starswirlthebearded

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Hey there. I'm back, but this time as RPH! It looks like you took care of most things that SteelEagle pointed out. There are still a few small things left though!

Books do interest him, though he would rather experience things up and close. Such as a book about evil monsters devouring a village in one fowl swoop.

There are two small problems with this sentence. First is grammatical and rather simple. It shouldn't be two sentences. Just switching the period with a comma and lower-casing "such" should be enough to fix that! The second is "one fowl swoop" is incorrect, the proper is "one fell swoop."

Do note though, he does not own this Air-ship, he is employed by a travel company that ships mainly from the Griffon kingdom to Equestria, he manages to keep his little "Discounts" [colour=#ff0000]nu-noticed[/colour] by selling the interesting things that he finds along his travels and paying for the interesting individual that he has transported.

This does exactly what Steel wanted. I would be curious though, do all their employees live in airships? Also, how does he adventure if his company operates mainly between Aquellia and Equestria? Surely they'd have a regular check in procedure and flight manifests.

What I highlighted is a simple spelling error. It should be "unnoticed."

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Drakeven Blank Flank

Drakeven

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Hiya, how's this application coming along?

I have edited the things that I was told to do, I'm just thinking about a way to do what Star said, I think other than that it's ready! But, I'm not an expert on these things...

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