Rainbow Dash's Origin Story

[LorntheHorn]

So a while back i wrote a story about how i thought rainbow dash had grown up! Its a little dark but i like it.

[colour=#444444]When Dash is stuck in her house during a storm, one of her oldest possession draws her attention, a photo book. A glance through the book leads her down a trip through memory lane.[/colour]

Heres the link: http://www.fimfiction.net/story/825/origins-rainbow-dash

Tell me what you think! Planning on submitting this to EQD some day.

[LegendaryEmerald]

Heres the link: http://www.fimfictio...ns-rainbow-dash

Tell me what you think! Planning on submitting this to EQD some day.

Read the first chapter so far, and I might get to the rest later tonight. The fic has over 2 thousand individual viewers, so I'm gonna guess that it picks up later on.

Just based on what I've read, the concept interests me. But I have to say that while your prose is good, there's just too much of it. There's hardly any dialogue, and what is there doesn't sound particularly natural in some cases. Overall the chapter just has the problem of telling and not showing enough. It feels like you're rushing to a conclusion or particularly interesting event, rather than taking the time a proper reminiscence on growing up would need.

For instance, you mentioned Dash's parents in passing, but I don't have any understanding of who those characters actually are yet. This is probably cleared up in future chapters, but more effort should have been placed in making them interesting or likeable from the start. Actions and dialogue always speaks louder than author exposition, and right now the story feels severely lopsided in its exposition to dialogue ratio.

If dialogue wasn't something you want to focus on as much, I would have suggested writing from a first person point of view. That way the story would have at least had a narrator who felt more connected to the events at hand, and the readers would have had a solid story telling voice to listen to. But I suppose the story has come too far along for that.

EQD can be very picky when it comes to the stories they accept. I'd suggest sending in what you have right now, just so you can find out what their current standards are, and what criticisms they have. They won't provide specific critique; that's not their job. But they will give you a good idea of what they find wrong stylistically with your story, if anything,

Different pre-readers have different thought processes though, so my complaints might not even come up in your stories' evaluation. All I know is that the pre-reader I had for the first draft of my Glowmelon Mystery fic probably wouldn't have let your story through, based on the feedback I received. I had to re-write the entire story in order for it to be accepted, but I think the quality of the piece improved tremendously because of it.

You've got a lot of readers, so you're doing something right. Don't take my criticisms too seriously. Fanfiction is all about creating and having fun. I wouldn't have bothered to pick apart your first chapter like this if you didn't express the desire to take your writing to the next level (being published by EQD).

[LorntheHorn]

Thanks for the advice! I really appreciate it. The fic has been on the site for over a year now, so i don't think its too popular. I will mill over what you have given me. I did want to focus more on the action, rather then the dialog, so that may be one of the problems.

Once again, thank you for reading and thanks for your criticism.