Unicorn Red-Soul Eclipse [Ready]

[FluttershyGrimshy]

[colour=#000000]Roleplay Type:[/colour][colour=#666600] [/colour][colour=#000000]FFA (Free-For-All)/ Crossover[/colour]

[colour=#000000]Name:[/colour][colour=#666600] [/colour][colour=#000000]Red-Soul Eclipse[/colour]

[colour=#000000]Sex:[/colour][colour=#666600] [/colour][colour=#000000]Male[/colour]

[colour=#000000]Age:[/colour][colour=#666600] [/colour][colour=#000000]Colt (Just shy of being a Stallion)[/colour]

[colour=#000000]Species:[/colour][colour=#666600] [/colour][colour=#000000]Unicorn[/colour]

[colour=#000000]Eye colour:[/colour][colour=#666600] [/colour][colour=#000000]Blood Red[/colour]

[colour=#000000]Coat: [/colour][colour=#000000]Black with grey freckles on the sides of his face. His hooves are grey.[/colour]

[colour=#000000]Mane/Tail:[/colour][colour=#000000] [/colour][colour=#000000]His mane is red with a black streak down the middle, as is his tail. Soul's mane is styled to lay flat and straight, yet have a slightly messy appearance. Soul's tail has a slight curve to it, but it isn't wavy or curly or anything like that. Soul has red antlers on either side of his mane. He also has a torn ear (he was born with it, nothing violent happened to make it that way,) and a broken horn, but can still do magic with ease.[/colour]

[colour=#000000]Physique:[/colour][colour=#666600] [/colour][colour=#000000]Soul is slightly taller than colts his age. He's actually quite slender.[/colour]

[colour=#000000]Residence:[/colour][colour=#666600] [/colour][colour=#000000]He lives in an old worn down, previously abandoned mansion type structure deep in the Everfree Forest, but visits Ponyville and Canterlot frequently.[/colour]

[colour=#000000]Occupation:[/colour][colour=#666600] [/colour][colour=#000000]Doing whatever it takes to survive. (He can easily be called a "street urchin" in the sense that he does what he thinks is necessary to survive, whether it be pick-pocketing a couple of bits from an unsuspecting pony, or sneaking an apple or two every once in a while.) However, please do not take this to mean that Soul is a thief, at least not in the "serious criminal" sense. [/colour]

[colour=#000000]Cutie Mark:[/colour][colour=#666600] [/colour][colour=#000000]Soul's cutie mark is part of the reason he lives on his own and in a place like the Everfree Forest. His cutie mark is a dripping moon somewhat overlapping a round sun. Soul was a colt when he got his cutie mark. He got it during a solar eclipse, when he went through an "eclipsis anima," or "eclipse of the soul." During this "soul eclipse," Soul's personality changed drastically. He becomes somewhat unaware of his own actions and words. It's almost sort of an "alter ego" effect, if that makes sense. A suspicion here is that when he goes into this "eclipsis anima," the behavior he's taking on resembles that of his unidentified father. The reason the moon in his cutie mark is dripping is because when the moon passed over the sun the day that Soul got his cutie mark, the moon appeared red, known as a blood moon. Also, during either solar or lunar eclipses, Soul's appearance changes slightly with his behavior, but nothing drastic. [/colour]

[colour=#000000]Aside from his "alter ego" dilemma, Soul had to learn how to chart stars and predict eclipses, so he's quite the astronomer. He can name any constellation, visible or non-visible, any planet, things like that. He's also able to predict things like comets, meteor/ meteorites, and of course, eclipses, which ties in greatly to his cutie mark.[/colour]

Soul's eclipse appearance. It doesn't really signify anything major, I just think it's cool, and it was an original feature of him before I decided to join Canterlot

[colour=#000000]History:[/colour][colour=#666600] [/colour][colour=#000000]Soul was born in Roam, Itaily and lived there with his single mother up until he was nearly a colt. His mother worked at a restaurant and bread bakery, both part-time so she could raise enough bits to support her son and herself. Soul's has no clue who his father his. His mum would never tell him. She didn't like to talk about him or what happened between the two of them, but it's assumed that he may have been a corrupt stallion due to Soul's dark and dangerous appearance as well as his antlers. [/colour]

[colour=#000000]Soul had a care-free childhood. He was a very [/colour][colour=#000000]mischievous foal and got into a good amount of trouble growing up. His mum was usually the one to bail him out of a sticky situation, but threatened many many times to send him to reform school. In all honesty, that didn't stop Soul from being his rebellious rule free self.[/colour]

[colour=#000000]Soul's mother's name is Faren, sort of like Fahrenheit. Her cutie mark is an oven with three smoke lines coming from it. Her talent is cooking, baking, frying, you name it. She has a rather noticeable Itailian accent, though Soul has no accent at all. Faren (just barely) graduated from the high school in Roam, and did not go on to any further education. She was pregnant with Soul in her late filly years. Soul and Faren typically got along, except when Soul got himself in trouble and she had to get him out of it. Faren tried quite unsuccessfully to keep Soul in a stable disciplined environment, and the night that Soul got his cutie mark, she was so terrified by his actions that Soul left by his own decision so that he wouldn't be able to scare her like that again.[/colour][colour=#000000]The only family Soul knows are the ponies on his mum's side. The only ones he [/colour]cares[colour=#000000] to know are his cousins that are almost as care free as he is.[/colour]

Referring back to Soul's cutie mark story, his life right now isn't easy under any circumstances. He often steals things like apples and bread and such so he can have food. Again, it's the whole "street urchin" concept. Just a colt living a risky life and having fun while doing it.

How Soul got to where he was once again relates back to the cutie mark story. Tying back to the suspicion that Soul's "eclipsis anima," personality resembles that of his father, who's currently MIA, when Soul went through the "soul eclipse," the manner in which he acted terrified poor Faren to the point where she could hardly look at Soul without him catching a glimpse of fear flicker through her eyes. Ashamed of his alarming personality swap, Soul relocated to a place where he wouldn't have to worry about becoming "The Eclipse Pony" in public again; The Everfree Forest. One day, while wandering in the Everfree Forest (very deep into the forest), Soul stumbled across an abandoned structure resembling a mansion. Though the outside still looks incredibly worn, Soul renovated the inside to make it suitable for living, and it actually looks quite nice.

Soul hopes that one day, he'll be able to conquer the "eclipsis anima" and maybe do something beneficial for ponykind, especially if it's in the astronomy area.

I realized it might be a good idea if I tell the story of how Soul came to have a broken horn. Soul got the broken horn after taking a dare from his cousins while visiting them in canterlot. As part of the dare, Soul tried to do a spell that was well above his level. As a result of attempting a spell that was so far above his level, the spell backfired and the impact of it was enough to break his horn.

[colour=#000000]Character Summary: [/colour][colour=#000000]Once again [/colour][colour=#000000]referring to the cutie mark section, one of Soul's main talents is that he can chart stars, constellations, and space rock formations like no body's business, and he doesn't even need a website or star chart to do it. This might be one of Soul's biggest motivations, the fact that if ever he ceases falling victim to the eclipses anima, he still has something he can do to keep himself happy and on the go. Soul likes music for sure, especially rock and hard metal. He likes basement/ garage bands, being somewhat of a hipster, and stirring up a little bit of trouble every now and again. Soul dislikes new moons (when there is no moon,) long chapter books with zero pictures,pop and hip-hip music, and loud TV commercials. [/colour]

Soul's hobby is creating star charts, diagrams of solar systems and constellation maps. If you look in the study of the mansion he lives in, you'll find drawing boards with several papers clipped to them, desk drawers almost overflowing with loose papers, books stacked on the desk, and even stacks of books on the floor, all having to do with stars and eclipses and other things that fall under that wide-ranged category.

Soul acts very mysterious and withdrawn around ponies he's never met before. His general behavior is that he's a natural trouble maker, but he's a trouble maker that knows how to get away with it (most of the time.) If Soul would make more of an effort, he'd have no problems at all making friends, but alas, Soul never makes time to find friends. He's always busy preparing for the next eclipse and/or trying to find ways to beat the personality swap. He does have a few friends though. His cousins who live in Canterlot, for example. And his best frienemy, Starlit Aurora.

Soul's that kind of smooth where he can pretty much talk himself out of any sticky or difficult situation with much ease. He's extraordinarily good at playing word games and saying things that'll be sure to catch you off your guard. He's also incredibly sarcastic to the point where he speaks sarcasm more fluently than he does English, though usually it's more of a joking-around teasing kind of sarcastic. However, when he gets mad, his sarcasm can tend to get a bit harsh. Most ponies don't realize, though, that Soul has a friendly side. If you take the time to get to know him, he may eventually decided to lower his guard a bit and he'll appear friendly, while still being overly sarcastic. Soul's actually a really good friend to have. He defends anypony who's even only slightly important to him, and he'll always have your back.

One of Soul's major faults is the fact that he's such a trouble maker. He's good at astronomy. One thing he totally fails at is singing. He can't carry a tune to save his life, unless it's screamo.

Soul's biggest fear is that one day he'll completely lose all control of himself during the eclipsis anima, and that he'll badly hurt somepony. His second biggest fear is falling in love/ any kind of major commitment.

I apologize that this is a pony creator thing ^^" I'm not a very good artist when it comes to drawing, so this was the only way I could provide a spot-on picture of what Soul looks like.

Edited March 6, 2013 by FluttershyGrimshy

[Davroth]

Hi there. I thought I'd give you a couple of thoughts on this one.

Formal things, first: The Mane Six are mares (age-wise), and that would make your OC a stallion. It's very unlikely that you'll get the antlers approved for Mane RP. It's nothing you'd likely see in MLP FiM, and that's what Mane RP is aiming to emulate. Same goes for the broken horn, though there's a little more leeway there for sure.

One big problem I see with the Cutie Mark is that it's written to sound more like a superpower and less like a special talent. Sure, Cutie Marks do give you an edge in your one special talent, depending on what it is, but this sounds more like lycanthropy then anything else. And boosting your magical potential sound like something overly powerful in my ears.

If possible, you should not resort to referencing movies or other characters when explaining your OC. Sure, you can take inspiration from Aladdin when coming up with an OC, but try tell us that in your own words, not through drawing comparisons to already established media. I think you'll find you'll end up with a far more compelling story that way.

Living in Everfree in an abandoned mansion presents its own set of problems. Thought it's not impossible for a pony to live there, it's still exceedingly dangerous. And aside from the palace ruin from the first two episodes, we didn't really see any structures in Everfree. It might get seen as an attempt to add lore to Mane RP in an app, which is something kinda frowned upon, as far as my experience with apps goes.

Hope that helps you until a RP Helper arrives for review.

[FluttershyGrimshy]

Hi there. I thought I'd give you a couple of thoughts on this one.

Formal things, first: The Mane Six are mares (age-wise), and that would make your OC a stallion. It's very unlikely that you'll get the antlers approved for Mane RP. It's nothing you'd likely see in MLP FiM, and that's what Mane RP is aiming to emulate. Same goes for the broken horn, though there's a little more leeway there for sure.

One big problem I see with the Cutie Mark is that it's written to sound more like a superpower and less like a special talent. Sure, Cutie Marks do give you an edge in your one special talent, depending on what it is, but this sounds more like lycanthropy then anything else. And boosting your magical potential sound like something overly powerful in my ears.

If possible, you should not resort to referencing movies or other characters when explaining your OC. Sure, you can take inspiration from Aladdin when coming up with an OC, but try tell us that in your own words, not through drawing comparisons to already established media. I think you'll find you'll end up with a far more compelling story that way.

Living in Everfree in an abandoned mansion presents its own set of problems. Thought it's not impossible for a pony to live there, it's still exceedingly dangerous. And aside from the palace ruin from the first two episodes, we didn't really see any structures in Everfree. It might get seen as an attempt to add lore to Mane RP in an app, which is something kinda frowned upon, as far as my experience with apps goes.

Hope that helps you until a RP Helper arrives for review.

Thanks for the contructive criticism! This is my first OC app, and I seriously spent five hours on this XD

Woops, alright. I'll change the age so that it makes sense XD

For the antlers, I can see where the criticism for that is coming from, but I honestly don't see the problem with putting something out of the norm in an original character description. I mean, the point of making an original character is to be creative and design it to be your own, and to be unique. Sure it wouldn't normally be shown in the show, but that's the beauty of it. It's not normal or common, and that's what makes it unique. Prime Example: Discord. Don't get me wrong, I very much appreciate the feedback

For Soul's broken horn, I think what I'll do is put the story of HOW he broke his horn into the description.

With all due respect, I'm keeping the cutie mark the way it is. Though I may change up the story a bit, ALTHOUGH I would like to point out that if you go back and read the Character Summery, I made a point of explaining how Soul's cutie mark story ties in with his passion for astronomy, which is another reason for his cutie mark being a partial solar eclipse. However, I can see where you're coming from, saying it sounds to super power-ish. I'll see if there's any adjustments I can make to that.

The whole Aladdin reference XD Yeah, it was after midnight when I typed that, so I was quite tired and I guess a little out of it. I'll try to fix that.

The last thing, the Everfree Forest thing. The beauty of the Everfree Forest is that it's very big and whether it's a canon fact or not, I'm positive there're parts of the EF that have not yet been discovered. Another point I would like to make is that you're saying that it might be frowned upon for Soul, a unicorn who knows extremely well how to dig himself out of particularly dangerous or difficult situations, to live in the EF, when you have Zecora living in the middle of the EF, and from what we've seen in MLP, she's never once had an issue living in such a dangerous place. Just something I thought I'd point out.

While I may have argued against some of your suggestions, I'm extremely grateful (like REALLY grateful) that you took the time to offer some pretty helpful adivce, so thank you for that

[Corsair]

Hello Grimshy.

First, I can tell that you put some time and thought into this character. But unfortunately, as it stands, this character needs work before it could be accepted into the World of Equestria RP section. We, as the RP Helpers, strive to keep the WoE in the same spirit as the show that inspired it: light-hearted and fun, with some adventure thrown in. Now, I may cover some of what Davroth has already said, but I'm going to go through the app from the beginning.

For the age, we generally define the Mane 6 ponies as "Young Mares", so his age should probably be "Young Stallion." In the physical appearance, Davroth is correct: Your pony can't have antlers as well as a horn. No pony in the show has antlers, and that is the model we follow. Also, the broken horn is ok, but not encouraged, and shouldn't be a focal point of the character.

You've put his residence in the Everfree Forest, one of the most dangerous places in Equestria. No one has ever been seen to live in the forest, save Zecora, and no ruins have ever been seen that would match the mansion you mention. Also, ponies are very social creatures. Why would he want to live alone in an old building in the woods? That leads in the the description of him as a 'street urchin.' Equestria has been shown to be a land of plenty; There are no poor or homeless ponies in Equestria. Now, if his occupation was as an Astronomer, he could live on the outskirts of a town somewhere he could set a telescope up at night, something he'd not be able to do in the middle of a forest.

On his Cutie Mark and the cutie mark story: The 'eclipse madness' you describe would not be allowed. Remember to think in terms of the Friendship is Magic show; Do you think the show would ever feature a pony who went murderously insane during an eclipse, and had a cutie mark that looks like dripping blood? For that matter, because the sun and moon are controlled in Equestria, there would be no such thing as an eclipse. The cutie mark could be changed to just a cresent moon overlying the sun, representing his love of the sky and astronomy. Also, the references to the 'anima' throughout the application would need to be removed.

On to the history section. It's fine if his mum was a single mum, but his father could not have been some evil creature. Since the 'eclipse anima' wouldn't be allowed, she'd have had no reason to kick him out of their home.

His personality section is generally ok, there's no problem with a mischief maker pony. However, the technology level in WoE doesn't allow for television, so that little section would have to be edited out.

Now, I know that's a lot of changes. If you feel that you don't want to make these alterations to your character, there is an alternative. The Crossovers and Free-for-All sections don't have the strict requirements for entry that WoE does. If you prefer, you can change your roleplay type to "Crossovers" and your character would be accepted. Please let me know what your decision is.

[FluttershyGrimshy]

Hello Grimshy.

First, I can tell that you put some time and thought into this character. But unfortunately, as it stands, this character needs work before it could be accepted into the World of Equestria RP section. We, the the RP Helpers, strive to keep the WoE in the same spirit as the show that inspired it: light-hearted and fun, with some adventure thrown in. Now, I may cover some of what Davroth has already said, but I'm going to go through the app from the beginning.

For the age, we generally define the Mane 6 ponies as "Young Mares", so his age should probably be "Young Stallion." In the physical appearance, Davroth is correct: Your pony can't have antlers as well as a horn. No pony in the show has antlers, and that is the model we follow. Also, the broken horn is ok, but not encouraged, and shouldn't be a focal point of the character.

You've put his residence in the Everfree Forest, one of the most dangerous places in Equestria. No one has ever been seen to live in the forest, save Zecora, and no ruins have ever been seen that would match the mansion you mention. Also, ponies are very social creatures. Why would he want to live alone in an old building in the woods? That leads in the the description of him as a 'street urchin.' Equestria has been shown to be a land of plenty; There are no poor or homeless ponies in Equestria. Now, if his occupation was as an Astronomer, he could live on the outskirts of a town somewhere he could set a telescope up at night, something he'd not be able to do in the middle of a forest.

On his Cutie Mark and the cutie mark story: The 'eclipse madness' you describe would not be allowed. Remember to think in terms of the Friendship is Magic show; Do you think the show would ever feature a pony who went murderously insane during an eclipse, and had a cutie mark that looks like dripping blood? For that matter, because the sun and moon are controlled in Equestria, there would be no such thing as an eclipse. The cutie mark could be changed to just a cresent moon overlying the sun, representing his love of the sky and astronomy. Also, the references to the 'anima' throughout the application would need to be removed.

On to the history section. It's fine if his mum was a single mum, but his father could not have been some evil creature. Since the 'eclipse anima' wouldn't be allowed, she'd have had no reason to kick him out of their home.

His personality section is generally ok, there's no problem with a mischief maker pony. However, the technology level in WoE doesn't allow for television, so that little section would have to be edited out.

Now, I know that's a lot of changes. If you feel that you don't want to make these alterations to your character, there is an alternative. The Crossovers and Free-for-All sections don't have the strict requirements for entry that WoE does. If you prefer, you can change your roleplay type to "Crossovers" and your character would be accepted. Please let me know what your decision is.

Thank you for the feeback. Unfortunately, I think I'll have to take you up on that alternative of yours. Believe me, I completely respect the fact that WOE operates on a (rather strict) set of rules and guidelines. However, I've put far to much time into the creation and development of this particular character to go and change it all. All of the things the two of you mentioned that would need to be changed are things that I included in Soul's character because they're unique and different and totally out of the norm, and they reflect a great deal of my creative abilities. The reason I feel uncomfortable with making those adjustments is because as much as I want to make the adjustments, I feel like I wouldn't be showing everyone here just what I can do as far as creative instincts goes. I can't do that, I can't hold back my ideas because that wouldn't be showing you the real me. I have to stay true to myself and to my character(s).

I really do appreciate the feedback though. Now I know what NOT to do for future applications. I do have to apologize though >.< I didn't mean to get off on the wrong hoof with anypony here, this being my first application since I joined Canterlot a week ago. I actually wanted to make a good impression, especially on the higher-ups of Canterlot XD But, to comply with everything that's been said, I'll change the Roleplay Type to FFA/ Crossover.

[Rosewind]

Hiya! Please let me assure you that you got off the wrong hoof with nobody at all. The RP Helpstaff team are here to help you understand how our game works, not to judge you or make you feel bad. First applications are sometimes the hardest for a new player to make that wants to play in World of Equestria, because they may not understand enough about that particular roleplay to design a character that compliments it. It's a roleplay designed to be like playing in an episode of FiM, and we work hard to keep the environment -- and characters within -- balanced and fun. As you're aware now, characters for WoE should be designed as if they would appear in the cartoon itself. I really appreciate your understanding of this, and how you can use this information with any future characters you decide to develop for that roleplay type. Until then, have fun using the other areas we have available for play with this character.

[Rosewind]

Moving to Crossovers. Double action taken because of long time lapse.