A brief assessment of style?

[TenthSpeedWriter]

I don't suppose y'all would mind taking a quick look at a piece I'm working on, would you? I'm plotting out a bit of fan fiction, but I haven't done standard prose fiction in the longest time, and I'd like to pick up any critique I can on my basic style.

This is a selection from the beginning paragraphs that I've gone ahead and written out of sequence.

The concept and context of the piece is as thus:

It will be in the Southern Gothic style, starring Applejack, based on a plot which weighs the burdening structure of society against the freedom of extreme rural life. (Yes, in a My Little Pony fanfic. Can you tell I've been through too many English Lit classes?)

Prior to the following selection, she has been invited to join in a small festival held by members of the Apple clan living in a far corner of Equestria known as the Tatchataw Valley. Though unacquainted with her cousins there, she admires the simple and honest lives they lead so far from town life, and eagerly sets out to join them.

A sudden end to the flat leaves and rolling hills of the Whitetail Woods marked Applejack's passing into the Tatchataw Valley. As she crested the last of them, she met a sight that lifted her heart: a great brushstroke of green and brown across the land, left by the hands that painted the world. The Valley below was dressed in evergreens, with ribbons of melt-water streams tied to its mane, and it was cradled in the arms of the mighty mountains. Not since she was barely a yearling, riding on Granny Smith's shoulders, had she seen its loveliness, but it seemed hardly touched by time, so left alone as it was by most folk of Equestria.

Not even the gentle hills that hid Sweet Apple Acres could quite compare to this place. Home was still a stone's throw from town, after all; there was always an air of wheat bread and dust, always an echo of friends and worries not so distant. Out here though, so far from anything, the spring air smelled sweet as honeysuckles; waves of golden honeysuckles, and warm west winds that poured through the pine needles, and the earthy leaf-litter of fall past giving back to the soil.

Applejack drank it in like a sweet old wine. Let the unicorns have their spells, and let the pegasus folk kick around their clouds all day long; the earth had its own magic, and it blanketed this place. That magic surely was everywhere, never moving but always growing, and nowhere was it more clear than here in the Valley; things were simpler, more sincere. Nobody took a hoof to nature or micromanaged the weather here like they did close to town, and the seasons came and went on the whim of the wind. Life wasn't as easy for the few folks who called it home, surely, but there wasn't a thing to come between a pony and herself; only the warm sun and the evening stars dared to watch her way.

Even with the weight of her cart dragging on her shoulders, Applejack was in the very lightest of spirits.

Please don't be gentle, either. I'd like to go ahead and hammer out any systematic flaws, even small ones, before writing out too much of the fic to readily re-work.

[MyLittlePonyTales]

Well, you sure lay descriptions on thick! Not necessarily a bad thing, it makes the writing sound beautiful. But it also kind of drags out the story. Then again, description can also be what draws readers in to keep reading.

Really, your grammar and punctuation is very excellent; I've seen many writers who have mistakes in their work, and I'm a bit of a grammar nazi.

Where did the name Tatchataw Valley come from though?

[Dessa]

I'm about to go to bed, but if you catch me around tomorrow night, remind me and I'll give it a closer look. I liked what I read for the most part. Lil things here and there, but yeah, sleep.

[TenthSpeedWriter]

Well, you sure lay descriptions on thick! Not necessarily a bad thing, it makes the writing sound beautiful. But it also kind of drags out the story. Then again, description can also be what draws readers in to keep reading.

Really, your grammar and punctuation is very excellent; I've seen many writers who have mistakes in their work, and I'm a bit of a grammar nazi.

Where did the name Tatchataw Valley come from though?

It's just a pseudo-Appalachian name that I came up with. I like the sound of it, but I'm considering trading it out for something which sounds more fitting for the setting of Equestria.

[buxy]

I like it. And I want to read more! I'd say back off just a little on the purple prose, I know that's kind of prevalent in gothic literature in general, and can be used to great effect (which it probably is, but I need to read more to get a better sense of what kind of mood you're trying to create with the story in general), but it is more effective when it's used in conjunction with simplicity. Contrast, and whatnot.

I particularly like this:

Applejack drank it in like a sweet old wine. Let the unicorns have their spells, and let the pegasus folk kick around their clouds all day long; the earth had its own magic, and it blanketed this place. That magic surely was everywhere, never moving but always growing, and nowhere was it more clear than here in the Valley; things were simpler, more sincere.

It seems to me you're not going to have any nitpicky grammar issues, but keep an eye on your overall tone as you progress through the story, to make sure it's consistent. What I mean is, IF you have any stuff that pops up as you work, it's going to be more significant than style, which is a sign of good writing