Earth Pony Duskus [FINAL]

[Bellosh]

What's the status of this app?

[Bellosh]

Please respond to this thread within 5 days, or your app will be locked and archived.

[Bellosh]

Thread inactive; app will be locked and archived.

Edit: Disregard

Edited March 11, 2013 by Bellosh101

[Mistfire]

NONONO WAIT, sorry I'm grounded, I can't work on it till the end of this month. Please just give me some time after the end of this month, I'm grounded and can't use the pc after today

[Rosewind]

Hiya! I see you're back! Ready to work on this app again?! Hopefully we can get it approved by five pages!

[Mistfire]

Hoo.. yep. This thing has been collecting dust for DAYS *cough*. I'll think about what to write then have it edited by tomorrow around 3:00 P.M. pacific time

[Mistfire]

..oh wow, that last one DID make it to 5..

anyways I have some concepts down, maybe you could give your say before I edit them in?

I was thinking this:

• Duskus could be a filly who wants to do something big in life, but tries too much and tends to be a bit awkward (Personally I think people doing RP can work with a character who is a bit awkward)
  
• (This is an explanation) the markings on her back aren't really markings. I meant to say like spots that a dog or cat might have on their fur, my bad ^^"
  
• The orphanage thing, I think that with the "aspire for greatness" thing it could work, and the reason she's there is because although I didn't specify how many siblings she had, her parents weren't about to have their own kids look after Duskus. They would have looked for help, but I feel that if you look at it form their point of view, you can't focus on paperwork or meeting when you have kids running around.
  
• Her life in the orphanage.. Well you got me there.. I guess that if its going to be the "aspire for greatness" kind of story I should just write down that she won many contests that the kids had between themselves, and enjoyed some private time out in the woods. Now i don't know if you read this in the app but she eventually got out and lived with Shade, she isn't at the orphanage anymore
  
• Her cutie mark was what it was because whenever she took her "nature walks" she loved drawing what she saw. I feel that this would be a good place to bring back the meadow painting. The butterfly, well I see butterflies as the embodiment of nature art, so I felt that it would make sense to make that her cutie mark. Also, the reason i'm changing her look at things to a more positive, hopeful kind is so It can kind of show that because she was so focused on doing bigger things, she didn't exactly have time to look at her cutie mark all the time. Yes she was happy, Shade and Yuki were too, but she is just caught up with other things.
  
• And lastly, you were right, it was pretty dark. But I think that if I keep the same interests and such but make it more positive, it can work.
  

Phew.. spent all night thinking about what to do.. I'm gonna sleep.

Tell me what you think before I edit the app, thanks!

[Mistfire]

._. have I seriously been working on this for a YEAR.. dang Duskus, you're complex XD

[Bellosh]

Welcome back Mistfire! There's only one thing I wanna' comment on:

The orphanage thing, I think that with the "aspire for greatness" thing it could work, and the reason she's there is because although I didn't specify how many siblings she had, her parents weren't about to have their own kids look after Duskus. They would have looked for help, but I feel that if you look at it form their point of view, you can't focus on paperwork or meeting when you have kids running around.

Personally, I've never heard of any real-life parents who gave up just one child simply because they already had too many. Needless to say, ponies wouldn't even conceive to ditch their own foals like that, especially after they've raised a load of children already. If a couple didn't want extreme financial burdens, they wouldn't raise a gigantic family in the first place, period.

Anyway, if you want to have your OC be part of a "rags to riches" tale, simply have her come from a working class family from some industrial location like Stalliongrad or Beakbreak City. That sort of background will produce the desired effect without having to rely on cliched orphanage angst. I'm sure you can find another way for Duskus to meet up and live with Shade and Yuki too.

Everything else sounds great however, so feel free to start editing your app again. Mark my words, this APP will be stamped one day, muahahaha

[Mistfire]

Alright, sounds good. I'll do the working-class family thing and try to make a better reason to connect the nature walk encounter with her new social class.

However, I will keep her stationed in Trottingham mainly because not only is she to live there soon, but the way I picture her is a lot like the ponies from that area

However, it might take me another week (maybe less) to make a smooth storyline for her. Sorry if it takes a while

Edited March 31, 2013 by Mistfire

[Bellosh]

Howdy; how's your app coming along?

[Mistfire]

Edits won't save, I don't know if its my computer but the changes I make won't lemme change the app.. I have it all ready though, don't worry :3

[Bellosh]

Hmmm, try pressing ctrl+F5 to clear your cache and refresh. If that fails, try a different web browser.

[Mistfire]

Sorta worked. How about I just put what I have in another post in this thread?

[Rosewind]

Try using a different web browser. Your application really should remain whole in your OP, especially considering the length of this thread.

[Mistfire]

I got the new browser working. I just have one thing, Duskus has roommates (Shade and Yuki) and I enjoy having the three in the same RP. I was wondering, maybe I could have Duskus choose to live with Shade after he came to her hometown for a vacation. They could socialize during the 2 weeks Shade was there and she decided to live with him after he offered to look after her as a guardian while her parents recover from some sort of economic drop. I'll try to keep minor edits until I get a response. A yes is ok too

[Bellosh]

Hmmm, sound good. I'll provide more comments again once you update your OP.

[Rosewind]

I'll give them to you now. The focus of this application should be squarely on Duskus. I understand you want him to have room mates, and that is fine -- but that really should not be the focus of your application. We want to know about Duskus, since that is who you want to play in WoE, and that is who other players will read about when they glance at your application.

Back to you, Bellosh m'dear.

[Mistfire]

Alright, I'll just leave names completely out of the app and just say how she got to where she was. Edits will be done by tomorrow night

[Mistfire]

Edits were made!

I have the strange feeling that I left a hole in the edits though.. like something I changed didn't go with something I didn't see

[Bellosh]

Okie dokie; here's what I have to say about your latest edit:

First off, you'll have to remove all references to depressions and other such economic downturns. Such subject matter are a bit too serious to be incorporated into the slice-of-life WoE, plus you're creating unauthorized lore by making assumptions on how Equestria's economy works. As I said previously, making your OC simply come from a working class family will be good enough for what you intend with your character.

Additionally, I feel your latest edit has yet to incorporate what I've also mentioned in an earlier post:

I don’t have a very good sense of how Duskus will behave in WoE. How does she make friends with other ponies? What would other ponies like about her? How does Duskus interact with customers? What things does she like to do for fun and relaxation besides art? Remember that WoE is a slice-of-life RP; the main objective of the characters in it will be to bond with other ponies and hopefully befriend them.

You're getting there though, so just keep on revising your app and you'll have a stamp-worthy app!

[Rosewind]

Do you wish to keep this application open?

[Mistfire]

Yes, I'm just planning out Bellosh's advice carefully for the app.

[Mistfire]

I did some changes. If they don't work, just quote parts I don't need and highlight parts I should change, it'd help in my opinion

Also, sorry for being very inactive on the forum. I am still into the MLP fanbase but I have school and such to worry about. I failed my science test with my first and rather painful 55 percent on it. I've been studying a lot since then and haven't been able to do much online. I hope you can understand my inactivity outside this thread, and that once this is stamped I won't be active up to July 24'th. Thanks for understanding!

Lets get this stamped!

[QuickLime]

Hey Duskus ! I'm the Rph that's going to help you now! You asked for the things that needed to be fixed to be quoted? Alrighty

Mane/Tail/Markings colour & Style:Mane is long and gracefully spiked at the ends. It has a cruel shade of black

A different phrasing would be needed here, "Cruel shade of black" is not very MLP

She also wants her art to show the other side to what might be seen as malevolently cruel,

Again not in the spirit of MLP, You could phrase it "She wants her art to show the other side of things others might find unpleasant" or something like that.

After winning an art gallery and winning some Bits to help her parents start recovering from the economic depression,

That's.. not very ponyish in the slightest! You need to stop focusing on giving her a sad backstory, Poverty doesn't exist in Equestria, her parents would never be put in such a position.

And the "depression" is inventing lore to boot.

If you wish to keep her exactly as is you need to make this FFA She is a very interesting character but the constant emphasis on economical depression and such is too heavy hooved for FIM! FIM is light hearted and fun, it is slice of Life, your application needs to reflect that.

I suggest you make her cutie mark story be less.. unbelievable too, since I really cannot buy that she won enough bits from a contest to help get her family out of their economic depression.

Remember think like the show, think light hearted and fun.