Rosewind Posted October 19, 2012 Report Share Posted October 19, 2012 If you need additional help, just ask! Any progress so far on suggested changes? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mistfire Posted October 20, 2012 Author Report Share Posted October 20, 2012 Actually if you could let bramble rose know about my ideas, please do so. If you can't however just tell me what you think of the ideas i have Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bramble Rose Posted October 23, 2012 Report Share Posted October 23, 2012 Honestly, the reason im changing the app every time you ask a question is because it just doesn't have an explainable answer... I think its fine the first time but once you ask the question, i see the flaw and feel that answering it is pointless, and its best to just fix it, and let you know. Clearly that isn't working this time, unlike the few flaws Yuki's application had.My answer to your question about the parenthood thing is, im trying to give her good reasons to be the way she is, its like saying someone is crazy without explaining why... it feels... empty. Lemme ask you to do one thing, give me two chances to rewrite her family's story, gonna try having her know the two others beforehand (which also, I will by all means get Shade a qualified Mane RP app) and eventually choose to live with them, and have her whole inspiration come naturally. She will still have the orphan bit in her story, but at least it involves her more with the two other characters im trying to involve with her here. Not sure if you agree.Won't touch anything in this app until you let me know what you think, sound good? Meanwhile im off to start Shade's new appI'm so very, very sorry - I had a rather rough week where I couldn't get anything done on the site, cause of job hunting and interviews and stuff, and then this kept bumping because of people posting on it, so I didn't realize it was even there!My sincerest apologies, it was irresponsible of me.As to your questions - yes, if you worked on developing a deeper relationship with them beforehand, and made it all up-and-up and legal, that would go a long way towards clearing out that little wrinkle in this application. Your ideas for how to fix that sound quite good. Thank you for being so patient with me, I know this one's been a little bumpy, and I admire your willingness to work with us. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rosewind Posted October 27, 2012 Report Share Posted October 27, 2012 How is progress on this application? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mistfire Posted October 27, 2012 Author Report Share Posted October 27, 2012 Made moar edits Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bramble Rose Posted November 6, 2012 Report Share Posted November 6, 2012 I think we have a winner! I'd just suggest you change it out of wanting to be in her father's 'arms' to 'embrace', but that's just a fiddly little detail. I'll submit it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mistfire Posted November 6, 2012 Author Report Share Posted November 6, 2012 *M. Bison* YES! YES! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bramble Rose Posted November 8, 2012 Report Share Posted November 8, 2012 I'm afraid that the secondary review by other staff members have had them coming back to me to request a few clarifications. Nothing really wrong with the story that we've finally developed, but instead, just a request to clarify and expand upon it a little bit.1. They feel that the application focused too much on Shade and Yuki. That it shows more about how Duskus interacts with them than it really shows who Duskus is as an individual.Once again, I'd request you to place your links to their character applications, but this time into the app itself so that they can see the characters are your other characters.Keep the current story, but flesh it out a bit. A few questions you could expound upon: What age did her parents give her up for adoption? What was it like, growing up there, before she was allowed to head out whenever she wanted? What sort of things did she like ... or dislike ... about the orphanage? Were they kind to her? Were they overworked?What kind of smaller things does she like or dislike? Favorite foods? Music?Now that she has been adopted by Shade and Yuki, what is her life like? What does she like about it, other than just Shade and Yuki? What's her favorite place to sit and paint?What's school like, for her? What does she do after school, if she can? How does she get along with other foals?You don't have to answer all of these questions, but just a few ideas to give you someplace to start. 2. The cutie mark story needs more detail.A cutie mark story is not about what skills you have, but rather, about *why* you find using those skills to be important. To quote the show: Scootaloo: "AUGH! These namby-pamby stories aren't getting us any closer to finding our cutie mark! They're all about 'finding out who you really are' and BORING stuff like that!" Rarity: "Yes, Scootaloo, that's it exactly."You say she got her cutie mark after her first serious piece of art. What art did she do *up* to that? She must have played with crayons. Include some of that. What made this piece special to her? It obviously wasn't her first piece ever. What made it stand out, what did it make her realize about what artwork meant to her, that she'd never seen in herself before?What does her cutie mark actually *mean* to her?3. "sort of like Fluttershy"Please remove this from your application. Find a way to describe her personality that doesn't reference somepony else, but stands on itself. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mistfire Posted November 15, 2012 Author Report Share Posted November 15, 2012 Alright, got those covered using some examples.Ready for round 2! :3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bramble Rose Posted November 26, 2012 Report Share Posted November 26, 2012 Sorry about it taking a bit - I had a convention and then, of course, Thanksgiving, to take care of."When she made her first painting, she gained her cutie mark which was a butterfly outlined in white, however she never really got excited over it, since she used to always practice using crayons and Yuki's pens. She thought about why she gained her cutie mark, and realized that the reason her art is so good is because she puts all she has into it, almost being a part of her. Her art represents her, so does her cutie mark."The cutie mark story still needs something telling us *what* her art means to her... "Putting all you have into it" and "it represents her" are good phrases, but that explains *every* cutie mark. Rarity puts all she has into her fashion. Twilight puts all she has into her studies. Dash puts all she has into winning. AJ puts all she has into her family and farm. The question is in what makes art different from anything else, for her. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
flutterscotch Posted December 8, 2012 Report Share Posted December 8, 2012 How is this app coming along? Please let us know if you need any help with the suggestion that Bramble gave you for improving her cutie mark. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mistfire Posted December 11, 2012 Author Report Share Posted December 11, 2012 Well I'm just thinking on how i can put what bramble wants into the story, but i think im close Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rosewind Posted December 13, 2012 Report Share Posted December 13, 2012 Hi, I'm just curious how this application is coming along. We want to make sure it's still active! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mistfire Posted December 18, 2012 Author Report Share Posted December 18, 2012 oh it is sorry, last minute school things, be done during winter break Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rosewind Posted December 28, 2012 Report Share Posted December 28, 2012 Any progress now? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mistfire Posted December 30, 2012 Author Report Share Posted December 30, 2012 just really small edits, nothing really noticable, but i promise itll be have changes by the 3rd of january Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mistfire Posted January 9, 2013 Author Report Share Posted January 9, 2013 Ok so Shade's app went through, now we can get back to this one. Any new observations that i should change? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rosewind Posted January 9, 2013 Report Share Posted January 9, 2013 Okay, let's see if we can't get this stamped before five pages.I'm not quite sure what you're trying to achieve with the poison joke -- what kind of coat and eye colour are you suggesting is a side effect of Duskus working with it? As it stands, it's a toxic plant with serious side effects, and her working with it would affect her room mates too, which would not be good. I also see a lot of "supporting cast" with the room mates; I know you have a specific headcanon with your characters and wish for them to be related to one another, but they each should stand on their own with not more than a mention and maybe a few supporting details -- this is especially so if you want to relate your character to another that is yet unapproved for WoE. The application should be an intense focus of the character you want accepted.I'm still not quite clear on who this character is, or what you are suggesting with her. I'm not sure if it's how you have the application written or what, but I'm finding the details unclear. You might provide examples of what you are trying to achieve with this character so we can get a better picture of who Duskus is, and if she has the right details to include her in World of Equestria.We do not allow mention of mental illness or emotional disorders in WoE, so the reference to bipolar disorder needs to be removed, as well as any suggestion of a mental malady. Remember: think Friendship is Magic. WoE characters should reflect something we would see directly out of the cartoon. If you have ideas that do not honor this, please consider Crossovers as a place for your characters -- and yes, you can play Shade there as well!I think that's the best I can suggest for now. Please ask questions and collaborate; we're more than happy to help you with character design to get this character to the point that it would be acceptable for WoE. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mistfire Posted January 13, 2013 Author Report Share Posted January 13, 2013 Ah, yes, Shade was accepted into the WoE rp, i tweaked his story completely so his story shows what he strives for. I might do the same with Duskus, and show the story in the way it was supposed to represent her, a strong artist. I'll take note of what you want removed and changed and twist that in to the new story :3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
starswirlthebearded Posted January 31, 2013 Report Share Posted January 31, 2013 Hey Mistfire, how's this app coming along? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mistfire Posted February 2, 2013 Author Report Share Posted February 2, 2013 Oh i just made the changes i felt were necessary. Sorry i haven't updated you guys recently, someone sabotaged my laptop and i had to get a new one .A. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bellosh Posted February 15, 2013 Report Share Posted February 15, 2013 Howdy there; I'll be taking over as your RPHS evaluator! Thank you for your exceptional patience Mistfire; you have a good framework for your character, and she'll be even better once you incorporate the following recommendations:Before I go any further, you should know that the app template you're using is now outdated. Please consult Rarity's App Form for up-to-date guidelines concerning how to make your app. Basically, anything you put in your Motivation, Likes, and Dislikes fields should be incorporated instead into your Character Summary section.First off, that mention of poison joke in the eye colour section needs to go. Describing the effects of poison joke on your OC isn't needed for describing the eyes. Also, can you describe in greater detail what the red markings on your OC's back on? Just to let you know, they cannot depict any shaped markings (like with cutie marks) whatsoever as per show-canon.As for your character being put in an orphanage, why didn’t anypony else in her extended family take her in when her parents couldn’t afford to keep her? Why weren’t your OC’s parents provided with some sort of assistance to help raise their child? Most importantly of all, how will Duskus’s past life in the orphanage affect her personality in the RP? The way I see it, if the only reason you had your character stuck in an orphanage was only to provide a drop of grimdarkness into her backstory, then you should strongly consider reworking your history section so that Duskus didn’t actually stay there. Always remember; grimdark for grimdark’s sake isn’t what WoE is really about.Concerning your character’s cutie mark story, that needs quite a bit of work too. What prompted her to become an artist in the first place? What was this first painting of your OC’s? How does the butterfly itself symbolize your character’s skill in art? Additionally, as seen in the show, obtaining a CM is an event that all foals anticipate, so it’s extremely unlikely that Duskus wouldn’t be excited about getting hers.Finally, I don’t have a very good sense of how Duskus will behave in WoE. How does she make friends with other ponies? What would other ponies like about her? How does Duskus interact with customers? What things does she like to do for fun and relaxation besides art? Remember that WoE is a slice-of-life RP; the main objective of the characters in it will be to bond with other ponies and hopefully befriend them. If that isn’t what you plan on doing with your pony, then perhaps you should make this app a Crossovers one instead. It is an excellent place to RP your character as you see fit without the strict rules of WoE... and you won’t have to make any additional changes to your app to boot.Overall though, I have great faith that this character can be made to work in WoE. If you follow the changes that I’ve provided above, you’ll certainly be on the right track! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bellosh Posted February 19, 2013 Report Share Posted February 19, 2013 Any updates on your app revisions? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mistfire Posted February 20, 2013 Author Report Share Posted February 20, 2013 Actually I just read your ideas here sorry ^^ but sure ill add these ideas in and see if anything works out by maybe next weekend! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bellosh Posted February 23, 2013 Report Share Posted February 23, 2013 I'll be awaiting your revisions then. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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