Pony_Sage

Rivet was very pleased with herself, she was getting her name out there to big industrialists and hopefully one day soon would have some business from repairing airships! Ever since she was a filly she had always wanted to make a business out of fixing airships, or for that matter, anything that ran on steam power and this might get her hoof in the door. A big goofy grin slowly appeared upon her face as she though of airships docked at the observation deck of the Light-House tower. 'All those re-enforcements and structural tweaks won't go to waste it seems! Oh I can't wait to have the first airship dock and then fix it! OH, I'll need more room! Maybe another outbuilding? After all these sailors are going to want to take a nap, so an outbuilding with some hammocks would be perfect for them to snooze in. I guess I'll have to talk to that odd zebra again, what was his name? Monty! That's it, I know he can get lumber and nails and the like, but maybe he can get some helping hooves to put up the outbuilding. Even though I could do it myself, it would take so much less time if others helped with the process.' As Rivet pondered these things she couldn't help but beam, her dream was coming true! Rivet's ear's pricked up as Snowfall spoke about visiting her and Lola asked about the interruptions. 'Oh no interruptions, having an airship stop by isn't an interruption it is a pleasure!!' Her mind was going a mile a minute as the keys on the type-writer animated and a the tape quickly spat out of the machine. "Please visit, not many do, lonely at times. Airships can dock at observation deck, above light-house tower. Re-enforced and structurally sound. No interruption at all, pleased to help out, gives me something to do! Working on ships is so much fun, love every minute of it!" As piece of paper floated between the two captains of industry Rivet put on her best smile, her lively green eyes jumping between her two new friends. 'This is so perfect! My parents were right, taking this trip was the best idea EVER! See what happens when you leave the house? You make new friends and drum up some business! You should get out more, it won't kill'ya to take a day off here and there. Maybe visit some towns, meet new and interesting ponies, and griffons! Pick up some new ideas, get some neat parts from the griffon lands. Well Monty would have to ship those in for me.' Rivet was just so happy with the turn of events, this was not at all what she had planned the evening to be. "This is wonderful, thank you both so much!" Rivet couldn't help but type out to the pair. Hopefully the rest of the night would be as wonderful as the past few hours had been!

Hey there, I would like to toss my two bits in to help you out on this. I've seen much work on this app but I have some points you might want to take a look at. The major problem I see is his cutie-mark. I don't see a story behind it. At the moment he has a cutie-mark but when did he get it? Was it before he left Cloudsdale, which is the best option but raises other questions, or was it after? Ponies usually get their cutie-mark when they are young, so him receiving it in Cloundsdale would make the most sense. Now this raises other questions. How is his cutie-mark the Shadowbolt's logo? If he got his cutie-mark when he was young, then Nightmare Moon would have had to copy his cutie-mark onto the Shadowbolt's uniforms, which really does not make a lick of sense. Since he copied the apparition Shadowbolt's costume to a 'T' the logo would have been copied as well, so the entire team would be wearing his cutie-mark as it stands. It just is very confusing. Maybe you could have him get his cutie-mark when he was young, explain it and his special talent, then the apparitions were made they either had a different logo from his mark and Nightshade here used his cutie-mark as his team's logo. Or Nightshade's cutie-mark was original and different from the apparition's logo and he decided to use the apparition's logo for his new team. Those are the two options that would make more sense. That was the glaring issue that I see personally, next up are some smaller issues. as RCTwi said above me the customization of Wonderbolt costumes does not seem like something that would be allowed within their ranks. They are a national symbol after all, they have to be presentable! Also having him crash through a pillar is a wee bit too much injury for a single pony to withstand and not have major injuries or worse. Maybe he could crash through something a little less solid and painful? All occurrences of the team name of the Wonderbolts should be capitalized if at all possible, along with working on some of the grammar in the post to make it more readable. A good trick is to read the lines out loud and listen to yourself as you speak them, if it does not sound right to your ears, then it most likely needs some tweaking. Onto his personality! This part worries me a bit to be honest. You describe his personality rather well in the section that you designated for it, however, as the application progresses into the character's background story his personality does not match. Specifically the point where he injures other ponies and does not care, that is very troubling. Actively hurting someone and not caring is a very strong marker of psychological problems that would manifest down the road. It also borders on not fitting into the theme of the "Mane" RP, anypony should care if they hurt another pony, it is just a common feeling. Nightshade having an absence of this feeling is a very dangerous thing. It means that he sees what he did as wrong and doesn't care, or does not see anything that he does as wrong. Both of these are, again, psychological markers for very bad disorders. I am sure that if you were to work on these points, the application would be that much better!! ~Sage AkA Freddie Freewings

Hey there! I like the idea behind this character! It is interesting to have an Earth Pony that likes the weather and wants to know more about it. You seem to have the basic outline of a good app here, it just needs some extra info and a little filling out. Her cutie-mark story is a little slim, maybe you could expound upon that a wee bit. Did she do anything else to get her cutie-mark? Maybe she had to do a project for school and while researching, writing, and presenting she realized her love of meteorology? That way her story would have a little more depth! You also might want to expound upon her home life a little. Were her parents disappointed that she had her, "Head in the clouds", as it were, or were they supportive of her decision? Another point is that Ponyville is getting a wee bit crowded, you might think of moving her to one of the other wonderful cities that dapple the face of Equestria. This does not mean that she can not visit Ponyville, or anywhere else on the map for that matter, just that her apartment and job would be in one of the other cities. Also giving a little more depth to the reason behind her liking the weather would go a very long way! Earth Ponies are usually more in tune with the ground beneath their hooves rather than the sky above them. Was there a defining moment when she realized that a whole different world existed up there? Maybe a storm during which something happened to bring her to the realization that studying these things would help the entirety of Equestria? Also adding a little bit to her personality would help too. Is she a driven and focused pony, or is she more free and open? Just some Ideas here. All in all I like the character and the Ideas behind her, adding some of the suggestions will bring this app up another few notches. When you add things such as back story and motivation it gives your character something to base all their actions off of. It gives your characters depth and makes them more dynamic for you to play and for others to interact with! ~Sage AkA Freddie Freewings

The fresh air and the warm Sun were so wonderful that day, it vaguely reminded Monty of his Homeland. The wind blowing through the tall grass and the Sun heating all it saw. Occasionally a nagging sensation would tug on his sleep but thankfully he was a deep sleeper. Well for the most part he was, whenever he slept outside he would always sleep a tad lighter. Most likely a hold over from his youth sleeping on the plains of his Homeland. A loud rustle and the sound of pages blowing in the wind, accompanied by a yelp, awoke him from his slumber. His amber eyes flashed open assessing the situation. His saddlebags were now empty. Had the books been stolen? No, there they are on the ground for some reason. Did they fall on their own? No, they were secured before he went to sleep. What is that, tiny deer? Apparently this tiny deer, who was ringing some bells in Monty's noggin for some reason, had dumped his saddlebags all over the ground and messed up the order that he had put the books in. "Why do you look familiar, little one?" He asked the deer with a sleepy expression on his countenance. "Did you visit my shop in Hoofington once upon a time? I swear I know you from somewhere." Monty smiled as he scrutinized the little fawn. She was adorable that is was for sure, but there was something about her. A little hint of mischief, a niggling suspicion that she had more going on behind those big doe eyes than she was letting on. "THAT'S IT! You are the tiny Perry-whats-it that came into my shop and had some candy! You know, if the candy man can take a rainbow and sprinkle it with dew, he should be able to remember the ponies, or perry-whats-its that come into his shop at very least." Monty smiled widely as his ear flopped down. "Little Miss Chotchkie if I am not mistaken." He paused for a moment to look at the books scattered around the little deer monster. "Now be honest, were you looking through my books? Because those are for ponies a wee bit older than you are, and you should always ask before looking into someone else's things, you never know what you might find after all." Monty said with a sly wink. He dismounted the bench and stretched his long legs. He walked over to the little deer and rumpled her horn stubs and hair. "Those are coming along nicely, I think? I have really never met another perry-whats-it before. Anyways, would you like to help me pack these books back up into my bags please?" He looked around suspiciously for a moment and leaned close to Chotchkie's ear and whispered, "I am on a mission after all. I think I can trust you with this. I am looking for the author of these books, Miss Hyacinth Hills. I heard a rumor somewhere that she sometimes visits this neck of the woods, and I was hoping that I could catch her as I moseyed on home." Monty quickly went back to gently putting his books back in the bag. "Say, have you ever heard anything about, You Know Who?" He asked motioning to the remaining pile of books.

Rivet quietly stood next to the Pegasus mare and the big pink griffon. She actually didn't mind listening to other people's conversations. After all she had been mute for her entire life, she had gotten used to sitting and listening rather than participating in the ongoing conversation. She always had herself to talk to after all. 'Hrm, there is a shipping route between Stalliongrad and Aquellia? Huh, maybe that is where NSI gets some of their raw materials. So if this griffon here knows about shipping and so does Snowfall, maybe I could convince them that on a trip to the Gallopocus the ships could stop at the docking station I am building! Oh that would be fun!! I could work on the ships, implement some of my inventions! Make the engines more efficient. Plus all the different classes of vessel have different engines! It would be like working on a completely new item every day!' Rivet pondered to herself as a silly grin slunk onto her muzzle. Lola addressed Rivet as though the little unicorn were somepony important. She let out a silent chuckle, which must likely looked a little odd. 'What are you laughing at, this is your IN you silly filly!! Use this to talk about your work, make it sound important, get those ships to visit the station! Don't miss this chance!' She quickly stifled the chuckle. “I own, operate Whirring Gear Light. Light-house near Hoofington. Make inventions, Steam power, can fix airships. Improve engines. Make more efficient. Good at steam. Mechengineer when I was a filly. Built light-house systems from scratch, NSI parts helped. Very good quality.” The type-writer clicked out in a hurried manner. Rivet smiled a genuine happy smile as she levitated the slip between the griffon and the pegasus so they both could read it. 'Don't push it too hard Rivet. Let them ask for the schematics and drawings. That way they think it was their idea. It always works better that way.' She thought biding her time.

Ah, curse your sudden but inevitable betrayal!

Hi there! I would like to say that this character seems very interesting and a cool character to RP. Just one real issue I see. The invisibility portion of his spell book seems a little, out of place. Invisibility is a powerful skill that would require massive amounts of both training and magical prowess. I struggled with this as well on a character that I created a while back. Sable here has the ability to use a "perception filter" that allows him to blend in with crowds but not become invisible. Invisibility, even for a short time, seems just a wee bit too powerful for a pony not to specialize only in that area of magic. Just my take on it though. Other than that the character seems interesting, especially with the old alchemy bordering on old chemistry, that is a very neat field! I can't wait to see where this character goes! ~Sage AkA Freddie Freewings

Hello! Just wanted to pop in and say that I see all the parts that make a wonderful application here. You have his back story, cutie-mark story and even an explanation, and his personality. I like the character and his pamphlet seems like a very cool idea! I like the character, well executed app, and well done! I hope he gets approved, and see no major hang ups in him being accepted! ~Sage AkA Freddie Freewings

Hi there! I like the app and the idea behind it, I have seen marked improvement from when it was first put up. The only thing I would care to stress is that all cameras, even the expensive ones, would run on film or slides. The more expensive models would most likely run on slides, which are a different type of negative such as Kodachrome and Ektachrome. The colors, picture clarity and over all look of the picture would be far superior to regular 35mm film. However, slides are specifically designed to be projected, so what Snap here would most likely carry and use for his job would be a regular old 35mm camera running colour, or black and white, negatives. Remember the faster your target is moving the higher the film's ASA has to be to stop the motion on the negative. Slides have notoriously lower ASA than regular film, somewhere usually around 64 ASA. This would only be good for a stationary object, but anything as quick as a hoof-waving at the camera would most likely be blurry. There is also the light level to contend with, which is controlled by the F-stop. Also in brighter situations one can conceivably increase the shutter speed on the camera and catch quicker motion with a lower ASA film. There are a whole slew of different things that you can do with an old fashioned 35mm camera, some of which can blow your mind. Anywho, just wanted to pop in and say that even the expensive cameras in Equestria would be 35mm film or slides. Just to give you an idea of what you would be working with when you play the character! ~Sage AkA Freddie Freewings

Hello there. I would like to lend a helping hoof with this character if I may. First things first, I don't know if his pseudonym will work, since it is already a pony's name, Pinkie Pie. Although his real name seems alright to me. Also Danton is correct, you should change the topic to match the pony's actual name, this helps the staff out, and people who are looking for your character to read up on him. You can, however, use the tag system to add extra tags to the topic, that way when someone searches for his pseudonym they will find his app! Next up, Ponyville is getting a little crowded these days, maybe he could be based out of another town or city? There are many fine ones all through out Equestria that he could call home. Now this does not mean that he can not visit Ponyville, or anywhere on the map for that matter, it only means that his abode will be in the other city of your choosing. The Character summary is the next part you might want to add a little to. Quicklime is correct, in that matter, Why was he picked on? Even if your character does not know, the narrator (you) should know. Maybe this was his motivation to play music in the first place? Adding a little more to the story of his youth will definitely help the application. When you add something to a pony's background you give the character depth and dimension. It gives the character a place to base all of their actions and aspirations out of. His cuite-mark story needs a little more meat on it as well, I would say. You have the basic outline of what happened but it is just lacking that little extra something. There is nothing saying that he can not be a natural at Jockeying but he seems to have picked it up rather quickly for a pony that had never been around a turntable before. Maybe you could have him struggle at first with it, hone his skill a little, then put on a great show? Just an idea to make him seem a little more realistic. Again, Quicklime is correct, There is not internet in Equestria. Skye outlined the current level of technology in Equestria very nicely here and electricity here, if you want to give that a look over I'm sure it will help. One last thing, please type up your posts in a word processing program, or a browser that has spell-checking capabilities, I know I am horrid at spelling sometimes and using these devices will help the overall quality and presentation of your posts and applications in the future! ~Sage AkA Freddie Freewings

Rivet was actually enjoying herself at this get together, as odd as that was for her. Usually large groups of people in small enclosed areas made her nervous for some reason. 'All the hustle and bustle,' she surmised, 'gets to my ears I guess.' The pegasus mare however seemed to have the ability to make other ponies feel comfortable when speaking with them. 'Maybe that is why she is such a successful business pony? After all being able to relate to other ponies is the key for business. Maybe I could ask her for some help getting an airship way-station set up at my light house in exchange for some of my designs. That would be great!' There were other footsteps approaching from her rear, heavier than a normal pony it seemed, with an odd click to them. 'Oh but how will I introduce the concept of my designs to her? Coming out and saying it might put her off …' A large mass of pink feathers and orange fur moved into Rivet's peripheral vision. It took her a moment to recognize the blob as a griffon, she took a step back. "Madame Snowfall, I presume. Pardon me for interrupting, but I have been very much hoping to meet you. I am Lola Silverbeak, and it is a very great pleasure to make your acquaintance." Rivet wasn't particularly intimidated by griffons, she was just around them even less than she was around regular ponies. She didn't know how to properly act around griffons, sine their culture was rather different from that of ponies. Rivet kept a weather eye on this pink griffon as she spoke and bowed to Snowfall. 'Oh this makes things even harder. How am I ever going to get on the topic of my designs now?' she silently wondered. The griffon turned to Rivet and spoke, "And it is a pleasure to meet you as well, though I must admit that I have no familiarity with you, miss..." Rivet's eyes went a little bigger than usual, 'Oh my, why is she addressing me? I'm not that important.' Rivet nervously thought to herself. The tendrils of magic deftly reached out for her typewriter and tapped out a message to the griffon. “Rivet, pleased to meet you Miss Silverbeak.” it read. Rivet put on a sheepish smile towards the griffon. She fidgeted with her hooves on the floorboards for a moment before mentally scolding herself for acting like a silly filly and proceeded to stand up straight and follow the conversation.

Now that is interesting! Aerial dancing, that sounds really unique! I am sure that if you edit the original document and add a little on that in there that it would take off! (No pun intended.) I like where this pony is going, I really do! A little back story goes a long way, even if it is bland. It gives others a little bit of a feel for the character and makes them more interesting. Now just be sure to add these things to the actual app and there you go! ~Sage AkA Freddie Freewings

Hello there! It is great to see another pony from Stalliongrad. There are a few pointers that you might want to work on that I can see. First is his name, usually ponies have a name that reflects what they do, or their special talent. While Dimitri's name is very Russian, it may not fit into the theme of the "Mane" RP. Also since this is an English speaking board foreign language, such as the Russian characters that spell out his name, are usually frown upon. It is better to stick with the Anglican pronunciation for foreign words. Here is the source material for Stalliongrad. Within the app it seems that you have a basic handle on what Stalliongrad is like but adding certain things, such as mentioning what District he lived in with his parents, would kick the app up a few notches. Stalliongrad is a center of industry and a center of diversity. It is not communist by any means, this I can assure you of. Stalliongrad is indeed far removed from Celestia's seat of power in Canterlot, however it is still under her control. It is like any other town, Ponyville for example, aside from it's physical layout and building design. I just want to stress that Stalliongrad is not a separate nation. All the rules that apply in Ponyville apply in Stalliongrad. Stalliongrad draws allusions to Russia, however it is not a Russian analog. It is a very capitalistic state if nothing else, and is marked by its integration of the races and their concepts of living! I do see much in the way of his back story, this is good! Unfortunately I do not get a good feel for his personality. I see that he is a very simple pony, but other than that, what makes him unique? Is there any defining attribute of his personality that makes him, him? Why does he yearn for the simple life? Also it is interesting to see a Pegasus that likes the ground life and farming, usually this is an Earth Pony thing. Maybe there is a reason for him liking the ground over the air? These tings will give your application, and by proxy your character, depth. That way you can play a more dynamic character when the time comes around! Which means it will be more fun for you, and the people that you choose to RP with! One last thing! I see nothing wrong with his cutie-mark, nor the story behind it. Since this is a PG-13 community drinking is perfectly fine! Just don't go overboard in RP's is all I would suggest. Does he sell his vodka? Maybe he has a little store set up near his home to make an extra bit or two on the side? Another thing that you might add to the app to give him a little more depth! All in all he seems like a pretty laid back pony and a great start! If you take some of the points into consideration, I am sure that he will get through. ~Sage AkA Freddie Freewings

Hello there! I like where this pony is going, we don't have many musical ponies on the boards. He seems like he would fit in well with the other ponies here. Just a few quick tips that you might want to consider. I can't seem to find his cutie-mark story. This is a very important piece of your character and it symbolizes what their true special talent is! I see that he as a gust of wind as his cutie-mark. Did he receive this when falling from Cloudsdale, or in another incident? Also what does this mark symbolize to him as an individual? What does he see it representing? How would the gust tie into music composition, since that is what it seems he loves to do? Usually the cutie-mark goes along with what the pony likes to do, that way he can work with his special talent and love every minute of it!! I see much of his personality in his character description, which is good, but not much in the way of back story. Back story is always good to include, it makes your character more three dimensional and the application more dynamic. It also gives him a basis for all of his actions, and the reasons behind why he acts the way he does. Such as; Why does he like to hang out with birds? Is there a specific reason, or does he just like the birds? Also the third paragraph in the Character summary it states that he finds it difficult to fly when unobserved. Did you mean observed, in that he has difficulty flying when others are watching? Or that he ins't the best flyer and like it when there is somepony there with him to make sure he does alright in his flying? Just some points you might want to address!! ~Sage AkA Freddie Freewings

Rivet smiled meekly as Snowfall shook her hoof. There seemed to be a slight accent to her words that Rivet had never heard before. It was very faint but interesting to Rivet. 'Oh maybe this is a Stalliongrad accent? She was probably born and raised here after all.' Rivet pondered for a moment. Rivet nodded her head with a big smile at Snowfall when asked about the evening. Her type-writer sprang to life again, “Yes, wonderful. Food good. Lots of people. – Snowfall pretty name. Live in Stalliongrad? Wonderful town, amazing sights.” The tape hovered in front of Snowfall's eyes. Rivet was always a little sheepish when meeting new people. She never knew how they would react to her not speaking to them. Sometimes it was a negative reaction where as other times it was sheer interest on the other pony's part. The banquet room was still full of other ponies, griffons, and the occasional zebra. 'I wonder why she came over to speak with me. Out of all these ponies I can't be that special. – Stop doubting yourself, she is being nice and liked your hair-clip this is a good thing. Maybe you could talk to her about what you do. Thank her for the products and the invitation. Yes do that!' Rivet scolded herself. “I bought some product. Good product, well made. Thank you. Invitation surprised me, thank you very much. Usually don't attend parties. Can't leave light-house. But this vacation time. Wanted to see Stalliongrad. Never been. Almost never seen snow. So pretty and white!” The second tape read.

The faint ticking of the mechanized gear kept Rivet's left ear occupied. A soft click every second or so counted out the minutes as she stood around and smiled at the ponies munching on their food. Everypony seemed intent to schmooze with one another and share stories of their past. There was a guffaw some where off in the distance, muffled somewhat by the din of clinking plates, moving ponies and griffons, and the murmur of polite talking. The laugh was stifled quickly but the sound resonated for a moment over the crowd, in the vaulted ceiling, before disappearing again. Rivet's ears twitched from side to side, picking snippets of conversations out among the patrons. She never really liked crowds, just too much going on, it made it hard for her to 'hear' her own thoughts. 'Well the food is tasty! You should be happy silly you are out and about, getting free food. Oh but what if that replacement pony moves some of my equipment, it took me forever to get everything in the right place.' Rivet quietly mused as she stood silently in the crowd. Hoof-beats, out of time with the rest of the room, not random, these had purpose, intent, a destination in mind. Rivet subconsciously swiveled her right ear to find the direction of the hooves. They stopped and a confident voice asked, "How fun! What a novel idea for a hair clip, where did you find such a thing?" The voice was confident, yet different, lighter and more nurturing, 'Female?' Rivet mentally asked herself. She turned her head towards the new voice. 'Oh my! It is the CEO!! Swallow your food, stand up straight, look more feminine, but not too much. Should I bow? No too formal. Hoofshake? Calm down Rivet, put your plate down and just say hello. You can do this.' Rivet's mind was running rather quickly. Her expression was at first shock and confusion but quickly turned to a small polite smile. The plate briskly moved to an open table as Rivet extended her hoof towards the mare. “Thank you for the compliment. I made the hair-clip. Simple, clockwork and gear, little welding.” The small type-writer clicked out from Rivet's left side. The type-writer was attached to a small leather harness that kept it to the side, up and out of the way, resting on her shoulder. The small piece of receipt tape slowly floated over towards the evening dress clad Pegasus that was speaking with Rivet. She bowed her head a little to let the other mare get a better look at the slowly rotating clip. “Oh! Sorry! I'm Rivet. Hello, pleased to meet you. CEO of NSI? Honor is mine.” The type-writer hurriedly tapped out and the paper soon joined the other floating in front of Snowfall. Rivet smiled nervously, trying to look her best. 'I so hope I am doing this right. I'm not that good at meeting new people.' She mentally fretted.

Saffron or was it Yolonda? Bridget? "Yo-Saff-Bridge", ... I was wondering... WHAT'S SHE DOING ON THIS SHIP? Didn't she try to kill us? ~Sage AkA Freddie Freewings

Interesting character. There seems to be only one or two abnormalities, the attempted murders would be the first. Even if these creatures are a little bit more wild than ponies, the other pups trying to murder their brother just seems out of place. Especially since it was done on multiple occasions, I could see once as a prank gone wrong. The other pups didn't mean for his life to be in danger, but from the way it reads, the other pups actively sought out the course of action to kill their brother, more than once. In a world of friendship and magic, this just seems extreme to me. Also the violent uprising may be a bit much. Maybe he took over the tunnels through economic warfare instead of bloody confrontation? The subjugation of the other diamond dogs goes hand in hand with the uprising as well. I don't see them forcing one another to work as slaves in the mines. Ponies yes, because after all from a diamond dog's perspective they are the top dog and the ponies should work for them. The enslavement of other diamond dogs on the other hand just seems a little over the top. Again maybe it was economic warfare, if you can't stand up to someone physically, why not mentally? Then he could have made a situation where the other diamond dogs would have to work to reap the benefits of the new economic standard, that he was in control of. Just some thoughts here. ~Sage AkA Freddie Freewings

Well if there is no problem with the Zebra Unicorn mix then that sticking point is abolished! The cutie-mark revision looks great too! Some last pointers I would like to make though. You may want to add a cutie-mark story, as in how he came to receive his cutie-mark! That always helps develop a character. Also you have more than enough in the way of personality, but very little back story. Maybe some hints at his origin and how he came to be who he is would help the app become more dynamic. Maybe a little information on how he grew up in the forest. Was he abandoned? Did he have loving parents? Does he ever question why he is different from every other pony? As I see the Zebra race, I do play one of the few on the boards, they are strong and proud with a very interesting heritage. I am currently working on a load out of their society for the boards, to be honest. Anywho, if he knew his Zebra parent, they would have been sure to pass on the "Zebra Torch" as it were to their son! These are just some points to mull over. Also you might want to change his eyes, they are a bit over the top from my view, sclera coloration is just a bit much. They just are kinda, out there, is all. If you check here they might border on the "Not normal eyes". Just trying to help you get your application through! ~Sage AkA Freddie Freewings

It had been a long six months for Rivet. After the explosion and subsequent hospital stay she had spent the majority of her time rebuilding the boilers that powered her light house. There had been much work that needed to be done. She had to rebuild the outbuilding from scratch and then re-engineer the boilers and super heater assembly. Luckily she still had that Roan pony's who lived on the islands address and could order specifically forged parts from him. The strange Zebra in town was a big help too, shipping her goods straight to her home. Luckily she had also found another supplier for some of the more mundane pieces of equipment that she had needed, a one Northern Star Industries. She had picked up one of their magazines at the Zebra's shop during one of her trips and decided that if she could order parts in bulk, such as bolts and rivets, she would have to spend less. Having spent the past few months ordering from these folks and rebuilding her home Rivet was feeling exhausted. One day whilst perusing her mail, she noticed a small silver envelope with her name embossed on it along with the NSI logo. Apparently she had been cordially invited to a banquet honoring the CEO Snowfall. This was to be a black tie event with formal wear only. This thought made Rivet cringe, she hated getting dressed and cleaned up. Rivet had fully intended not to attend the affair, due to the dress code and the distance from her home. After all Stalliongrad was a long trip for the little mare, and she couldn't just leave her light house unattended. She was in the process of drafting a response to the letter politely declining the invitation when an intent knock upon her door that echoed throughout the light house proper. It was an agent of the Equestria Light-house Authority, informing her that her mandatory vacation was fast approaching. Rivet never liked these vacations, she just didn't know what to do with herself during these forays away from her light-house. She usually went home and visited her parents in Canterlot. This time, however, she decided that since she had nothing better to do she would take NSI up on its offer. 'When am I ever going to have another chance to visit Stalliongrad?' She thought to herself as she packed her bags. 'I mean, what is one little dinner compared to spending an entire week in the most technologically advanced city in all of Equestria! OHH I might even get to see some of the newer model airships!! Wouldn't that be fun? See, this won't be that bad, you will be fine.' She continued to muse to herself. A few weeks passed and the date of her departure was soon upon her. The Equestria Light-house Authority had furnished a temporary keeper for her light-house, and assured her that nothing would be out of place upon her return. Rivet made it a point to show the temporary keeper around the entirety of the facility and make note of all the safety procedures that were to be followed. Of course she showed the drab and matter of fact temporary keeper all the emergency routines that were to be followed in case of an emergency. Rivet finally, reluctantly, left as the drab stallion shooed her out of the facility, constantly assuring her that everything was under control. Rivet made her way with her suitcases to the Hoofington train station and boarded a train bound for Trottingham, where she would have to catch a second train, from a different station, that would take her to Stalliongrad. The trip was long and tiring, riding on a train for upwards of a day straight is not much fun for anypony. As Rivet moved farther north the general motif of the land and dwellings slowly began to change. The farther north she went the more squat and well insulated the dwellings became. Also the landscape became more barren and studded with dry grass, before turning slowly into snow-scape. This was the first time that Rivet had seen this much snow, and it kept getting thicker the more north she went. Luckily the train was heated and well insulated. When the train arrived in the Stalliongrad station Rivet was greeted with an escort to help her find her way around the city. 'This place is massive! So many different ponies and griffons! And look at all these buildings!!' Rivet thought to herself as her escort showed her the different districts. Rivet was awestruck. After checking in to her hotel and wandering around the city for a while she started getting ready for the banquet, that is why she was here after all. She took a long hot shower, a process which she did not enjoy. All the grime that pigmented her pelt soon was loosened and flowed freely into the drain. Her mane and tail were next to follow. Slowly but surely she was becoming cleaner, her protective layer of silt slowly dissolving with the help of the lavender shampoo. Within the hour Rivet was spotless and squeaky clean, a feeling that she did not relish. Her mane had not been cut in quite some time, it hung in tousled waves down to her ankles as did her tail. She poked through her wardrobe trying to find an appropriate dress for the banquet. She did not want something too prim or dressy, but it was black tie after all. 'Why can't I just wear my saddle bags? They are comfy and hold all my belongings very well. All this pomp and circumstance is just … BLECH!' She thought to herself, sticking out her tongue at the end of her thought. Her eyes lit up a little when they fell upon her, 'Special Dress'. She had this dress custom designed by an interesting mare in Hoofington. 'If I have to get dressed up, I might as well wear something that I like.' She thought with a little levity. She slipped into the garment using her magic to fasten some of the harder to reach places and then looked herself over in the full length mirror. The dress was a little odd but she loved it. The dress had a thin breast collar, on which resided some brass gears, with a larger one in the middle. A small emerald accentuated her pristine pearl pelt and her lively green eyes. Attached to the breast collar was a small silver saddle with some more brass interlocking gears studding its perimeter. The girth was made of very light chain-mail, bronze again. The entire piece was brought together with a soft, flowing, almost translucent silver fabric covering her haunches and flank. The final piece was a small hair clip holding back her forelock from her eyes. This was of her own design, even if she did not use it often. Simple clockwork and springs powered a small gear on the front, causing it to slowly rotate, just like the gear on the side of her light house. Her escort furnished transportation to the banquet which was being held in the wooded Vysokii District. Rivet felt a little more open than she would have liked, wearing the dress and not having her dirty pelt. She kept to herself during the trip to the estate. There were ponies from all over Equestria attending this banquet it seemed. Rivet took her seat at the dining hall and waited for the food to be served so that she could get the evening over with. Rivet's ears perked up as a mare took the stage and started speaking to the audience. 'This is the CEO of NSI?!' Rivet pondered to herself as the mare in the black dress spoke confidently to the crowded room. 'I didn't think any other mares actually had anything to do with heavy machinery! This is a treat! Maybe she will be fun to talk to!' Rivet thought with a meek smile on her muzzle. 'OH Maybe she will even use some of my designs!! I am so glad that I took my portfolio!' Rivet's smile crept a little larger. The food was served, exotic treats from all over Equestria and some Stalliongrad favorites. It seemed as though no expense was spared for this banquet. Rivet daintily walked to the tables, making sure not to trip on her mane, tail, or dress. She picked up a plate and placed some appetizers on it. Rivet surveyed the room looking for the guest of honor, the CEO of NSI. Hopefully she wouldn't be that hard to spot. 'After all a white pegasus in a slimming black dress shouldn't be that hard to spot, right?' Rivet pondered to herself as she chewed some cheesy bread substance with a hint of paprika.

Hey there! I just wanted to pop in and give you my two bits. The idea of the pony running an old style fun-house I find really interesting! That way he isn't a lonely wanderer. As for the Zebra Unicorn mix, I don't feel that it is strictly necessary to the character. He could achieve the same look with some pelt dye and a little bit of sap to make his hair stand up. Just giving you some options there. Now I don't personally like the gallows, it seems out of place in this universe, even with our expanded board cannon. These ponies would just not hang one another. The gallows humor I understand however, but why would his parents name him that before he achieved his cutie-mark, or before his personality developed? Maybe that is his "Stage name", and his parents named him something else? Maybe the cutie-mark could be something other than a gallows. A laughing skull and crossbones maybe? Seeing as the CMC had skull and crossbones on their bandannas. Just throwing out ideas here. Or a Smiley face with a sinister smile? Just something referencing the act of being hanged a little less would be more appropriate. Other than that I find him interesting! ~Sage AkA Freddie Freewings

Great application and interesting pony! I like him. There are a few spelling errors throughout but they only detract slightly. The motivation could use a little more depth, he may like art but what moves him to write stories for other ponies? Does he want to educate them or just make them escape from reality for a bit? One possible sticking point I can see is the family name. As it stands there have been occasions where the helpstaff have decided against the actual family surname idea in Equestria, which makes sense. It really isn't portrayed in the show all that often. Also his magic, why would he be able to make illusions or fire? Those seem like two very specialized skills that would take years of practice to master. I know that Pyrite and a few others have dedicated their life to the study of the interaction between magic and fire. All I am saying is that you might want to give him one special part of magic that he excels at but isn't over powering. Maybe the illusions would be a good one? Have him use them to help himself visualize the world that he is creating as he writes it? I think that sounds kinda cool! Just some thoughts thougj, and I hope they help! ~Sage aka Freddie Freewings

Well this is an interesting take on a pony. Someone who is good at the inner machinations of magic but can not seem to utilize the actual spells. Very interesting! First things first, you referred to him as a filly in the first paragraph, most likely a spelling mistake, happens to the best of us. Now on to the meat of the story. While you have the basic outline of a character's back story you are missing some important elements. One being how did Insight here come to get his cutie-mark, and what does it mean to him. Cutie-marks seem to be the manifestation of what that pony excels at and their special talent. But they also may have a special meaning to the ponies that carry them! They are a very unique and personal thing after all! Also his motivation is a little vague, this is the section that would describe what drives him to do what he does. Why does he wander? He is looking for a cure! Motivation right there! You could also add a little more intrigue with is father's disappearance. It seems a little rushed as it is, I like the idea don't get me wrong, but a little detail on that could go a long way!! All in all, work on the cutie-mark story, and add a little more meat to the app in the way of descriptions of his past, and Bob's you uncle, you have a great app!! ~Sage AkA Freddie Freewings

Good thought Brian! I really had not thought about the ramifications of a herbivore watching a carnivore kill and devour its prey. I would imagine that Edelweiss would understand that Gwen being a carnivore would kill and eat smaller animals. Whilst ponies do not do this, I would assume Griffons do, I would think that Edelweiss has become accustomed to Gwen munching on the stray mouse or pigeon. She may never be fully at peace with this but I would imagine that after the years she has gotten used to it to the degree that she no longer really worries about it. Ponies can do some pretty amazing things, one time it was pointed out that Fluttershy of all ponies was handing some ferrets a meal of dead fish. So I would assume that ponies who are exposed to the act of eating meat would get used to it eventually, but never be 100% okay with it. Maybe a pang of sympathy here or there. Something along those lines. Thanks for the thoughts Brian and Dio! ~Sage AkA Freddie Freewings

Name: Edelweiss, she was named after a white mountain flower, common to the high reaches of Gor Zarya. She loves her full name and prefers to be called by it rather than any variations. Sex: Female Age: Mare (Mid-thirties analog human years) Species: Unicorn Pelt Colour: Appaloosa, White base coat with black spots. She blends into the snow covered city of Stalliongrad rather well. Reference Picture. Mane & Tail - Markings, Colour, & Style: Her tail and mane keep with the appaloosa style, mostly white with some black streaks. Her mane and tail are of a moderate length and straight as a pin. When afield she puts her mane in a loose pony-bun, and braids her tail. Keeping them away from her face and out of her way. Eye Colour: A dark green, deep and contemplative. Cutie Mark: Three feathers. To her it symbolizes her love of Raptors and the elegance of nature. Reference Picture. Physique: Slender and light on her feet. A bit shorter than other mares. Origin: Edelweiss was born and raised in the Veya District. She has since moved to the Ostrov District high atop one of the many spires. Roleplay Type: “Mane” RP Occupation: Falconer for hire. She has been contracted out to the airship docks in Ostrov to clear away the pigeons and geese. She has also been contacted to help clear the landing spaces in Stabil Krasnyi. Motivation: Edelweiss loves all sorts of raptors. She is a major proponent of outdoors education and conservation. She aims to educate the city dwellers of Stalliongrad in the amazing field of nature! Likes: Edelweiss likes the woods, outdoors, and raptors of all sorts. She loves her companion Gwenevere. She also loves the snow and the cold. Dislikes: Surprisingly for a city dweller she does not particularly care for the city. The noise and lack of open space sometimes wears on her nerves. Ponies that are ignorant of the amazing things that are right in front of their faces also irk her. Personality: Edelweiss is a very quiet and thoughtful pony. She may spend an entire day mulling over a decision before choosing her course of action. She does not brood, she merely likes to sit and contemplate things. She is a pony of few words, she lets her actions speak for her. If someone aggravates her, as rare as that is, she will walk away and go for a stroll in the woods with Gwenevere. She is a fan of the old axiom, “Walk softly but carry a big bird.” Well that is how she knows it at least. She is very professional when on the job, she may come off as a bit curt at times. In reality however she is an amicable pony who is easy to get along with, she is just rather quiet. Companion: Reference Picture. Gwenevere is a female Gyrfalcon. She is mostly white with black bars on her wings and spots on her chest. Gwen stands about twenty inches and has a wing span of around fifty inches. Gwen is Edelweiss’ working partner and as close a friend as could be. Gwen looks out for Edelweiss and Edelweiss looks out for Gwen. Edelweiss raised Gwen from an “eyass”, fledgling, and has worked with her every day since then. As per Edelweiss and Gwen’s meeting; When Edelweiss was a Filly and out hiking in the Vysokii District, up high in the Gor Zarya, Edelweiss heard a pitiful whimper of a scream. She picked her way through the deep powder that had been deposited the night before. Edelweiss soon came upon a small cliff, the pleading was coming from a small alcove about mid way up the cliff face. As Edelweiss worked her way up and poked her head up to see what all the noise was about, she saw the remains of a birds nest, some cracked egg shells and a small white and downy baby bird. The bird was all alone and was visibly frightened and malnourished. Edelweiss managed to convince the eyass that it would be a good idea to come with her so that she could take care of the orphaned bird. Long months passed as the eyass matured into a full grown Gyrfalcon. The bird had imprinted on Edelweiss, making it very unlikely that she would reintegrate into nature. Edelweiss made the very hard decision to commit her life to the juvenile bird. Edelweiss named the raptor Gwenevere. They forged a strong bond over the subsequent years that they spent together. Gwen is Edelweiss’ best friend and pretty much adopted daughter. Gwen thinks of Edelweiss as her mother and best friend as well. Even though the two share no means of verbal communication, they still seem to be in sync with each other to a degree that only can come from years of close contact. Edelweiss has trained Gwen extensively in many varied arts. The first and foremost of which is Falconry. Edelweiss makes her living by cooperating with Gwen to chase off the pigeons and geese from the airship docks in the Ostrov District and occasionally the Stabil Krasnyi. It should be known that Gwen is not a pet, she is an independent animal that lives with Edelweiss. Gwen has also been trained in the tracking of larger quarry. If a pony were to get lost in the wilderness, Edelweiss could use Gwen to help find the lost party visually. Edelweiss can almost never be found without Gwen nearby or perched on her back or shoulders. Character Summary: Edelweiss was born in the Veya District to two very loving, but busy, immigrant parents. Her mother was an expert seamstress at one of the textile mills in that district, and her father was a hard working factory foreman in the Kuznitza District. Needless to say this afforded Edelweiss with copious amounts of alone time. After school, Edelweiss would often go for walks through the streets of Stalliongrad. She never much cared for the smog of the Kuznitza District, nor the hustle and bustle of the Ostrov District. Living in one of the taller apartment buildings in the Veya District afforded Edelweiss with a good view over parts of Stalliongrad. She would often sit up on top of their building to get away from the hustle and bustle of the streets, it was above the city miasma and a trifle more quiet. It was during one of these contemplative moments that she observed an osprey in flight. The flight enchanted her. How the bird could soar and dance upon the thermals and eddies mystified the small filly. This soon became her new hobby. As soon as school let out, she would hurry home to watch the falcons soar high over the impressive city of Stalliongrad. She visited the Chenya District on many occasions to learn more about her favourite animal, withdrawing as many books as the library would allow her to. She would spend hours observing, sketching and learning about these magnificent beasts. During this period Edelweiss would often take trips out into the wilderness to observe these animals in their natural habitats. Honing her skills of stealth and tracking to find the perfect observation post. It was during one of these trips that she found Gwen as outlined above. Feeling the obligation to take care of the orphaned animal she obviously took it home and cared for it. After the crucial, and exhausting, period of time where the eyass would be the most dependant upon it’s caregiver, when Edelweiss could finally sit back and relax, that she noticed something had appeared on her flank. She was far too busy taking care of the chick to have noticed the addition before, feeding it, keeping it warm in the cold climate, and desensitising her new ward. It was hard work but Edelweiss loved every minute of it. She surmised to herself, after much deliberation, that this was what she would want to do with the rest of her life! From that day forward Edelweiss has dedicated her life to the betterment of all nature and raptors. She began to notice more and more how the city of Stalliongrad was encroaching on the pristine wilderness of the Vysokii District. Edelweiss actively attends school classes with Gwen to try to educate the young foals of Stalliongrad about the beauty that sits right in front of their muzzles every day. Although she is often scouted and asked to join the Stalliongrad branch of the REA due to her stealth and knowledge of the wilderness, she declines every time. She feels that her obligation is to nature first. Edelweiss has since moved out of her parent’s apartment and moved to the Ostrov District, to be closer to her jobs. She lives atop one of the taller spires in the District with in a small, homemade aviary. She has brought nature into the city with her home. Native plants and shrubs are all around; even a small pond is on premises. She has a small shack on top of the building for sleeping in, but other than that, it is as close to nature as can be found in the Ostrov District. Skills: Edelweiss is not an especially magical Unicorn. She can use basic levitation spells and some other common place unicorn spells but she does not rely on magic very heavily. One spell that she does have which is unique is a spell that allows her to track Gwen. Gwen is fitted with a small bewit around one of her legs. This bewit has a small gem embedded in it; Edelweiss can charge this gem with her unicorn magic and by doing so, she can track Gwen in flight and find her in the event of Gwen getting lost or carried away with the hunt. Equipment: Edelweiss owns many different pieces of equipment for her to use while practicing Falconry but a few of the most important ones are as follows. A saddle that is made out of thick leather, this affords Gwen a perch so that she can travel with Edelweiss where ever she goes. Edelweiss also carries a whistle to give commands to Gwen when she is afield. The bewit is another important piece as mentioned above. On occasion Edelweiss must have Gwen wear a hood so that she will not get over stimulated from the city around her and become unnerved. While this is a rare occurrence it still happens from time to time since Gwen is a wild animal.