Earth Pony Shade [Ready]

[Rosewind]

Alright alright before i start here, i am aware an app has been made a long time ago, so now that i have an idea of how the RP works, im gonna remake Shade's app not only to be able to use my favorite original character, but to slightly help out another app i have in the works that needs an OK on Shade's Mane RP app. Here we go

Roleplay Type: Equestria Mane RP

Name:Shade

Sex:Male

Age:Mid-Age Colt

Species: Earth Pony

Eye colour:Dark Purple

Coat colour:Dark Green

Mane/Tail/Markings colour & Style:Mane and tail both punk style and black with red outlines

Physique:Fairly Skinny, Tall

Cutie Mark:Red thunderbolt with black mist covering it. The red thunderbolt represents him and the mist represents how he hides himself from other ponies sometimes, but also reaches out and lends a hand now and then

Origin/Residence:Stalliongrad was his original home, but he later went alone to live in Trottingham. He resides with a Pegasus named Sleet "Yuki" Glaze and another pony

Occupation: Student, but he does chores now and then for other ponies as income.

Motivation: He wants a better future, not being stuck in a small cabin. What he wants is a basic life, nothing special.

Character Summary:

History – He was born in a small, secluded cabin in Stalliongrad, where [colour=#ff0000]he lived a rather humble yet miserable life where he was often shivering from the cold[/colour] or trying to fix a part of the cabin. He was often telling himself that things got better as long as he tried, but [colour=#ff0000]he wasn't very motivated as a foal[/colour]. His parents wanted the best for him, but in the state he was in terms of living, he couldn't do much. He chose to leave his home promising his parents in a conversation that he would find a better life in Trottingham for its basic, yet organized way of living. He hitched rides now and then, and walked the occasional few miles, then rested. After a while, he arrived in Trottingham where he was welcomed by a Pegasus named Sleet "Yuki" Glaze, and became his roommate along with another pony. He currently studies botany, science, and his favorite subject is technology.

Parents – He shares a strong connection with his parents, despite leaving them many miles behind. He tells them about his studies and plans on bringing them over to live with him once he gets a home. His parents believe in him and hope for the best

Cutie Mark Story – [colour=#ff0000]Shade endured a lot[/colour], often drowning out the advice other ponies gave him, feeling that if he stopped and thought too much he would forget his goal. He motivated and lectured himself. After two weeks of doing this, he gained his cutie mark, a red thunderbolt covered in black mist. When he got his cutie mark, he thought long and hard and came to the conclusion that it was because throughout his voyage, he helped others but didn't really let them help him. [colour=#ff0000]He sees it as a description of his personality, a "one way door"[/colour]. Things wont go in, but things can go out, basically saying he wont listen to advice, but he will always lend a helping hand. (His personality is more independent if you're wondering what my gibberish meant :3)

Flaws – [colour=#ff0000]He is too closed, only taking his own advice[/colour]. Since he lectures and motivates himself, he sometimes argues with himself too. And like any Colt, he's a bit awkward around fillies.

Personality - He tends to be sarcastic sometimes, but he has a strong willed personality. He has a lot of passion for life, seeing that he sort of promised his parents that he'll make the most out of it. [colour=#ff0000]He's a closed book to strangers[/colour], but he is positive in what he's doing. [colour=#ff0000]He has a short fuse too depending on the situation, for example, he tells Yuki to go get something from the room across the hall and comes back with something completely different, that sets him off.[/colour]

I apologize IMMENSELY if the app is too short, and if you wish that i extend this a bit more, tell me what needs to be stretched. I'd rather know form an early point of view instead of the last second . Also, many distinct suggestions may come to me, so things might be tossed around a lot. I ask that you PLEASE make sure that what you are about to request improves the app without majorly interfering with other suggestions... Its kinda like what happened with my other app that is still in the works due to some confusion i had...

Anyways, PLEASE give me an opinion here! Thanks!

-Mist

I don't really understand what you are trying to go for with this character. You're telling me he struggles through life without accepting advice, but wants to help other ponies in some way. I also see a lot about this other character that is about his room mate, which is a common mistake with applications -- they should be intensely character focused. We don't know who Yuki is, and for the most part it shouldn't even matter. This application should strictly be about the character you want in WoE RP, not other characters and their relations to him. That's not to say a brief mention is fine, but the detail behind this other character is lacking and doesn't contribute to the design of Shade.

I've highlighted several parts of your application that demonstrate the tonality I'm asking you to avoid for WoE Roleplay. Is this a character that you would personally want to roleplay with? He seems kind of a downer, right? The idea behind character design for WoE RP is to make your character unique and interesting for other players to engage and play while staying close to FiM canon.

Here are my suggestions: Discard the dark history and try something else than the "he refuses to listen to other ponies" bit. You say he likes technology and science, right? Technology is a slippery slope because in canon Equestria, it's pretty limited. Have you ever seen Little House on the Prairie? That's about the technology level we want -- not very developed. We do have inventors though, but again, what they can invent is pretty limited. You say he likes botany -- why not expand on that more? He might like to collect interesting plants and study their properties, or perhaps sell them. Avoid mention of Yuki, as this other character really gives no focus to Shade, and you want as much focus can you can get.

The cutie mark story makes no sense. What does a red lightning bolt have to do with a pony that refuses to accept help or advice from other ponies? Try to come up with another cutie mark, or choose one that better suits this character. I'm not sure which direction you'll choose to take this character, but as it stands, the cutie mark will not work, since it makes no sense to the design you've currently presented.

Expand on this character and offer some details that would make him fun and interesting to play with. What else does he do besides live in a cabin and refuse help from others?

I understand there's lots to do, but WoE RP has very high standards for specific character design. Make this character like he would jump right off the screen. Design him like he might be a character toy you would purchase from a store; something Hasbro would design and approve themselves. Once you grasp that sort of design we need, I think you'll have an easier time getting this character approved for play. Don't forget, you may always tag this character for play in Crossovers, in case you would rather not change this character.

If you have any questions, please don't hesitate to ask!

[Lux]

How's the app coming?

[Mistfire]

making a brighter description and story for shade and doing other things too. Changing the cutie mark story too

[Lux]

Altright. Let me know when you've finished fixing your app.

[Rosewind]

I'm glad to see you're still working on this, Mistfire. As always, please feel free to ask here for suggestions or input on how to improve this character. I understand how frustrating making an application can be, which is why we have a dedicated staff to help you!

[Lux]

How's the application coming?

[Mistfire]

good, made some changes, also he doesn't live alone in a cabin, it now says he lives with yuki and duskus as a roommate. I think that changes some stuff. Also, I was a bit lazy on the cute mark story, sorry... but now that i thought it through i think that ill make it a notebook with a warm glow around it since i realized i wanted him to be a hard working student who cares about his family and future instead of extremely independent. And sure, ill make sure it focuses more on Shade and not anybody else.

[Lux]

Thank you for taking the time to change things.

One thing I would add is why Shade chose Trottingham. I understand how he wanted to see other places, but I think the readers would like to know why he chose that town over all the others in Equestria.

[Mistfire]

It ddoes say why he chose to live there but i forgot a part, so i put that in too. Thanks!

[RarityDash]

It's shorter than I'd like, but you really aren't missing anything vital. I could fish for more detail, but at this point I think I'll save us both the trouble... so:

[Mistfire]

Thanks off to keep it up with duskus