ParrySlice Posted January 1, 2015 Report Share Posted January 1, 2015 Name: Pyriacnin "Blitz"Gender: Male.Age: Young Juvenile.Species: Dragon.Eye colour: Blood red.Character colour: Bright red.Mane/Tail/Other: Crimson red (other)Physique: Pyriacnin is about the size of an average pony, has a scar on his left eye.Residence: Cave near Ponyville, maybe 1/4 of a mile away.Occupation: Wandering treasure merchant.Cutie Mark: N/A (he is a Dragon they don't have those.Unique Traits: Dabbles in fire magic (he can effect fire can't really conjure it that would take a lot of power to do and most likely kill him).History: He was thrown out for being smaller than his brothers, after these event took place he traveled over a matter of many years later, to a small cave near Ponyville, was and still is very poor, other than that he has a few treasures here and there but he is very much a loner another interesting fact was that he was also thrown from his family because, he would not take in barbaric pleasures such as making Ponies fear his kind. He had learned fire magic a long time ago when he met a wise old pony who understood him and decided to take him in, the old wise Pony taught him to control his anger when he was young ,and made him understand fire and it's mysterious ways. Many years later Pyriacnin went searching for a place he could call home when he flew over a city he had heard of a long time ago , he remembered that the wise old Pony called it 'Ponyville' he knew it was inhabited by the equine kind so he did not attempt to enter their territory for they would begin panicking because the Ponies have an innate fear of Dragons, and Pyriacnin did not want to ruffle their poor feathers so he settled in a cave near a small condensed area of forestry close to the town where he lives gathering nick-knacks and treasures here and there but he is building up the guts to enter Ponyville sooner or later and show the inhabitants that they should not fear him or hate all of his kind as others of his kind hate Ponies. The hoard Pyriacnin has is quite diminutive compared to other dragons but he doesn't have the same greedy intent that his kind has but he has to live with fact that his kind doesn't understand the real values of life. Character Summary/Personality: Explosive, sometimes naturally easily angered, he also at times can be impatient, sometimes vengeful when faced with a set back which leads him to be passionate about his goals and at time will be arrogant and Rebellious but still smart, he also is at times very understanding and accepting, desires more than anything a family and friends, and some kindness Pyriacnin has a fond respect for the Pony race he wants Ponies to not fear Dragons, it very much bugs him. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Armony Posted January 4, 2015 Report Share Posted January 4, 2015 How is this application coming along? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ParrySlice Posted January 5, 2015 Author Report Share Posted January 5, 2015 is done Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ParrySlice Posted January 7, 2015 Author Report Share Posted January 7, 2015 READY Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
starswirlthebearded Posted January 8, 2015 Report Share Posted January 8, 2015 If this is ready please change the title from (wip) to (Ready). Thank you Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RainbowDaringDash Posted January 8, 2015 Report Share Posted January 8, 2015 If this is ready.... Then i guess il see if i can help out......My disclaimer is the same as always, i am not a RPH, just a friend helping a friend First thing, with the Young Juvenile for the age, i dont exactly know about it. In my personal opinion, i would just say young Colt, or just Colt, but Young Juvenile.... Could one of the RPH who review this answer this.....As i read through it quickly, ignoring the lack of length, I noticed that a lot of Grammar mistakes, mainly a few Caps, but also just... something does not agree with my eye(Im good at English, so i pick these things up to easily.....) The next thing i notice is the few Rips in the wing and a scar. Im not much for those types of injurys, so i kinda winced when i read it. It might go through, but you might have to explain why.Now to the main points that i know from experience will need to be helped out.The history will easily need to be expanded. A few ways you could ddo this is include what his life was like BEFORE being kicked from hs family. What caused them to do it? How was his life after he left their cave? How did he survive? Did anyone help him?Same with the summary, i think your goign to need to expand on it a bit. Maybe tell us in mopre detail about his personality, tell us about what she hates and enjoys, whats her ife goal?Thats all i really have to say Good Luck Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
starswirlthebearded Posted January 8, 2015 Report Share Posted January 8, 2015 First thing, with the Young Juvenile for the age, i dont exactly know about it. In my personal opinion, i would just say young Colt, or just Colt, but Young Juvenile.... Could one of the RPH who review this answer this.....Just to interject quickly, as this is a Dragon character, "young juvenile" is very much acceptable. (S)he can't call this character a Colt, since colt is an equine term. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ParrySlice Posted January 9, 2015 Author Report Share Posted January 9, 2015 okay srry i was refering to dracnomicon dnd for dragon ages and such.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mojo Posted January 13, 2015 Report Share Posted January 13, 2015 Hi there!RDD is spot on with his analysis of your app (except for the Age field, which Starswirl quickly corrected)I would encourage you to keep working on this app!Looks to be a very interesting dragon character! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ParrySlice Posted January 14, 2015 Author Report Share Posted January 14, 2015 AIGHT I made some changes how is it (PRS accept application I be wait for while) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RainbowDaringDash Posted January 14, 2015 Report Share Posted January 14, 2015 Well, the advice i can give now will be exreamly similar to what i said before. And by exremly, i mean like, nearly word for word.The history will still need to be expanded quite a bit, in my opinion at least. A few ways you could ddo this is include what his life was like BEFORE being kicked from his family. What caused them to do it? How was his life after he left their cave? How did he survive? Did anyone help him? (yes, exactly the same words )Same with the summary, i think your goign to need to expand on it a bit. Maybe tell us in mopre detail about his personality, tell us about what she hates and enjoys, whats his ife goal?An idea would be to look at some other peoples apps so that you know the amount of writing + quality that is required to get into Canterlot Chronicles. ------------------------This part is me more being a bit... over the top, but i can see a number of grammar mistakes everywhere. Lack of Caps is an eyesore(for me, dont know about other people....) At least with the amount i can see here. The whole 'Explosive, easily angered' part, i think could be neatened. Reading it aloud, it does not..... ugh, agree with any of the grammar i know. This may just be me tho....Another thing i dont understand, i dont think a dragon 'Learns' fire magic. Im pretty sure they are born with the ability to breath fire, and Dragons cant cast spells as far as i know.Sorry for my....whats the word, over critical-ness on the whole grammar thingDont give up pal Just a little further. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ParrySlice Posted January 15, 2015 Author Report Share Posted January 15, 2015 OKAY I VILL GUYS! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ParrySlice Posted January 15, 2015 Author Report Share Posted January 15, 2015 alright I expanded the history a little bit but I still might change it a bit, but for now anyways could you guys judge it a little bit Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mojo Posted January 16, 2015 Report Share Posted January 16, 2015 I can see you are trying to expand this app.Of course, since most dragons (not counting Spike) are quite reserved, I can see how this app would reflect that trait.Since this is CC and not WOE, I am willing to sign off on this dragon app!Recommending this app for further Senior RPH analysis! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RainbowDaringDash Posted January 16, 2015 Report Share Posted January 16, 2015 Well, good job Parry If the senior RPH pass it, your into CC Best of luck Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ParrySlice Posted January 19, 2015 Author Report Share Posted January 19, 2015 I am hoping it will be accepted soon because I acctually took the time today and go through and correct some errors, adding periods and capital letters I expanded it a little bit and examined it afterwords so now how does it look? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RainbowDaringDash Posted January 20, 2015 Report Share Posted January 20, 2015 If i can suggest one last thing, it would make it easier to read if each section was seperated.And it can take awhile for a senior RPH to come and approve it, they are busy with their everyday lives. Just gotta be patient Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ParrySlice Posted January 20, 2015 Author Report Share Posted January 20, 2015 Sounds just great I am on it thanks I love all the tips and stuff thanks Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ParrySlice Posted January 21, 2015 Author Report Share Posted January 21, 2015 I am just reminding those who helped me make this a better character that I really appreciated the help thanks! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Armony Posted January 23, 2015 Report Share Posted January 23, 2015 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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