Story: Cast In The Spirit of Hearth's Warming Eve(Feedback?)

[CandyStar]

In The Spirit of Hearth's Warming Eve(Incomplete)

 

Cover Art for my Story(With Permission)

Link: http://dcdavid28.deviantart.com/journal/In-The-Spirit-of-Hearth-s-Warming-Eve-564810130

 

Rainbow Dash and Fluttershy, two pegasi are left alone one Hearth's Warming Eve night as Twilight and the others leave to go visit twilight's parents in Canterlot. Rainbow Dash has had feelings for Fluttershy ever since they first met, but failed to tell her how she truly feels. Fluttershy offers her cottage as a place to celebrate the holiday together, but tonight may be the time for Rainbow Dash to impress Fluttershy, and have a great time, but also to win over her heart.

[CandyStar]

_{I had some help from a friend to do this, though it seems a bit off somewhere, I just can't quite place it. I've had plenty of people slam me for my grammar instead of trying to help me with the story, so forgive me if I seem a bit cautious or over-sensitive.}

[ToothpasteThy]

I didn't read the whole thing, but skimmed over it with a practiced English-obsessed eye.

I think that there is far too much usage of the character's actual names without enough replacing with 'she', 'her', and other such things.

Or was it something else that seemed odd?

( Also, pegasuses'. Pegasuses'. PEGASUSES'. lul, that might best be changed to pegasai's :3 )

Otherwise, it doesn't look bad from after a quick skim. Given, I was mainly looking for grammar stuff, cuz that's who I am, but still~ ( longer than I can ever get my stories ;3; )

[CandyStar]

One last thing people have to know, I don't really tolerate bad constructive criticism, so please understand that I have a slow learning curve on grammar.

[CandyStar]

I didn't read the whole thing, but skimmed over it with a practiced English-obsessed eye.

I think that there is far too much usage of the character's actual names without enough replacing with 'she', 'her', and other such things.

Or was it something else that seemed odd?

( Also, pegasuses'. Pegasuses'. PEGASUSES'. lul, that might best be changed to pegasai's :3 )

Otherwise, it doesn't look bad from after a quick skim. Given, I was mainly looking for grammar stuff, cuz that's who I am, but still~ ( longer than I can ever get my stories ;3; )

Yes, I know. But detailing things isn't my strongest point, and I sometimes choose the wrong words when writing a story. So thanks for that information, ToothpasteThy.