Ridiculous storytime!

[Halide]

Right, let us make up some INCREDIBLY SILLY and COMPLETELY BALONEY STORIES that are meant to be PATENTLY RIDICULOUS.

I will begin.

Son, lemme tell you about the time I demolished a brick firehouse from the inside with my bare hands.

So there I was, fightin' this brick firehouse - It was me against it, and it wasn't giving up. 'Course, I wasn't about to be beaten by a bunch of brick that man put together! A man made it, a man could unmake it! I thought to myself, what's the biggest weakness a firehouse has? Dalmatians, of course! Didn't have any. So I thought, second biggest? Carpet bombing! Didn't have that either. Third biggest? Tactical artillery strike! Didn't have that either. Got all the way down to seventy-fourth biggest, and that was me, right between hurricaine and an army of men with sledgehammers. Lucky Seventy-four. Year I bought my favourite car, but I didn't know that yet.

Anyhow, I thought, shucks, this ain't gonna be so hard, I just rolled up my sleves and punched that building square in the door! That didn't work. Glass door, maybe, but this was no pushover. This was an 1880 firehouse, and those were gnarly and older and meaner than anything you ever did enter in yer whole life! So I decided to let it think it was winning. I marched right in, plain as day, walking in the door, taking a stroll, remarking on the architecture, all the while in my mind I was playing a little game I learned back when I was two : it's called 'find the load-bearer', and it's real simple. You just go around a building, find the biggest, thickest, solidest pillar in the centerist of the building, and you let 'er rip.

So there I was, me against this brick firehouse, and I was letting it win, just a little. Me, my bare hands, and my brain versus a hundred and thirty years of brick. And then, I thought of it - the guts. You couldn't kill a beast like that by whackin' at its arms and legs and eyeballs and windows. You had to go straight for the belly, reach through it like a hideous lovecraftian nightmare-meal, and grab it by the spine! Show it that even if you got inside it, by god is it gonna regret even thinkin' of lookin' atcha!

So that is what I did. I casually, slowly strolled down to that beast's basement, and I gave it a big ol' hug, right around the central pillar. I could hear it laughing at me, I could hear them old bricks breathing, rasping, wheezing, and I could hear it thinkin' "what's his game?"

And I tell you that is the last thing it ever thought, cuz right then and there, I pulled that whole fifteen-inch cast-iron pillar right out from under it, held it over my head, and that brick monster came tumbling down like a house of cards, louder'n the hooves of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse, angrier than every man who ever lost his job, an' harder than the hailstorm of '62.

And that right there is how I saved christmas from the Alien Space-Mongols.

[Acynder]

Trapped in Everfree Forest. Bloody Hooves everywhere. Armed with my Beam Katana, Seryn and my 6 token personalities. Also got my 11 best soldiers from my Tactics Ogre army with me. Also have to save Jade from them giving me about a 30 minute time limit in a battle where the enemy ratio is about to the hundreds of thousands to 13 guys.

CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!!!!!!

[Neopopulus]

Ok, I made a crazy story.

but pinkie pie ate it.

The end.

[Merrypaws]

Ever hear the one about how Luna had to take over for a day, when Celestia wanted to see if she could run all the way through the palace garden before she finished singing 'I'm a little teapot', and she tripped over a frog on a unicycle?

[Total-Tortilla]

There was once a time where Jerry Seinfeld fought a giant man-sized Lobster business-man.

I forget the rest of the story though, I guess it just blew right over my head!

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

There's no amount of liquor or illegal substances in the world that can bring sense into that.

[Halide]

...I remember saying 'storytime', not 'short non-sequiter quip' time. Ok, ok, fine, trying this again.

Son, Little lady, you just pull up a chair and you listen, cuz it's time I told you all about how kids are turned into adults, just like me. Now, you all know that a baby eventually grows up into a big kid like anything else - through pooping and eating and eating all your spinach. It's good for you. But turning a kid into an adult? Now that's something different and special.

It was the summer of '57, and I'd just turned thirteen. April 13, it was, and that was the time that my old man said 'son, it's time you stopped being a kid and started being a man. We got too many kids in this world, and not enough men. And by gum, I'm gonna make you a man, you ain't gonna get yourself turned into coal like your big brothers and sisters'. Course all the kids who don't get turned into adults become coal! Where else would they go, hunh? Now shaddup and stop interrupting the story.

So he took me outside, right to the ol' chopping block, where he turned trees into kindling using nothing but the hair on his chest and his hate for trees. See, a tree killed my gramma, and so he made it his life to turn trees into nothin' but a fine ash, and what better way than to turn 'em into kindling and burn 'em? Anyhow, he took up that great old logsplitter, picked it up, ran his finger along the edge like the finest bit of silk, and handed to me. He said 'son... You gotta go get your growin'-up done now. You gotta get it, and if you don't wanna end up a little ol' humdinger of a man, you better make sure it is high-quality growin'-up. You can't get that from a squirrel or a rat or even a tree. You gotta go get it from somethin' big an' strong.'

So he sent me off into the woods. THE woods, mind you, not just any old woods. Axe in my hands, and a determination to do my pop proud. Turns out he'd already sucked all the growin'-up out of the woods, though, cuz try as I did, there wasn't anything bigger than a beaver out ther to be found. Now, you bet I tried makin' something bigger - just like you can make a snowman outta snow, I tried makin' a forest-man outta forest critters. Beavers for the body, squirrels for the chest, an' a pumpkin for the head. They didn't like that. Pumpkin darn near bit my arm clean off!

And that's when... IT came. It was two houses tall if it were a foot, feet slamming down on the ground like the biggest drums o' doom you ever heard, eyes as mean as old taters, teeth as long as the dog. No, not that little trumped-up rat yer mom keeps in your purse, the big one we keep out back. It just looked down at me, and said 'gonna step on yew'. All it had to say as it lifted a foot up. Giant tree-man, it was, and I'd be darned if my old man was gonna lose his mom and his son to a big ol' block of wood. So I picked up pop's axe, and I just chopped that sucker down. Took me three and a half days, but by the time I was done, I was six foot tall, half as hairy as an ape, and living in my own log cabin.

Whazzat? Puberty? That's a big ol' lie, kid! You grow up by fighting giant monsters in the woods, just like those vidjyergames taught ya!

[Noedig]

There was once a man who lived on Mars, he was called Ronne. He used to make these cool gadgets that do nothing and don't benefit. These little gadgets were called holo-games. It works like a Nintendo, but doesn't look like. All these little holo-games did nothing but blank. Blank did nothing but phobia. This phobia was called anaphobia. The fear of nothing. After all that, he died.

The End.