Unicorn Swirl [FINAL]

[Legit101]

removed.

[knight]

QUESTION TIME!!!

What's her flavour called? What does it taste like? How did she make it? What happened to her parents' business after she left and took her flavour with her? How is she managing a business all by herself? When did she get her cutie mark? HOW did she get her cutie mark? You said 'in that moment' but THAT moment wasn't really clear. A flavour doesn't just magically become 'a highlight' I mean...somepony would have to try it, then tell somepony else, and then...so on and so forth, boom popularity!

You make it sound like at her shop, she only sells that one flavour. As an ice cream pony, doesn't she make more flavours? Like a traditional chocolate? or...y'know, other common flavours? I doubt a business could make it on only one flavour. Also, her motivation doesn't make much sense to me. Does she not already do that? I mean...what gets her looking forward to tomorrow? What does she want to achieve?

Also, I am unfamiliar with the color 'kind of blue.'...but maybe that's just me.

[Legit101]

QUESTION TIME!!!

What's her flavour called?

One day her parents let her make an ice-cream flavour after she nagged them for weeks, she tried and tried, until she got one she was happy with it, she called it Bizmo. HOW did she get her cutie mark? You said 'in that moment' but THAT moment wasn't really clear.

What does it taste like? How did she make it? What happened to her parents' business after she left and took her flavour with her?

I'll elaborate on that in a bit.

How is she managing a business all by herself?

It's only an icecream shop, can't be too hard, with the help of magic too.

Also, her motivation doesn't make much sense to me. Does she not already do that? I mean...what gets her looking forward to tomorrow? What does she want to achieve?

Good point.

flavour doesn't just magically become 'a highlight' I mean...somepony would have to try it, then tell somepony else, and then...so on and so forth, boom popularity!

Word of mouth, I guess I could add in that some famous/popular pony tried it out and liked it?

You make it sound like at her shop, she only sells that one flavour. As an ice cream pony, doesn't she make more flavours? Like a traditional chocolate? or...y'know, other common flavours? I doubt a business could make it on only one flavour.

At the current time she owns an ice-cream shop in Canterlot and still sells that same flavour from all those years ago and more of course.

I'll add in some names in a bit.

Also, I am unfamiliar with the color 'kind of blue.'...but maybe that's just me.

I'm not the best with colours.

[Danae]

Try to show, not tell. It makes the bio more interesting and easier to read.

Also, it needs to be paragraphed. Fluffing out the bio wouldn't hurt too.

I also recommend changing her name- Vanessa is not pony-like. Try: Triple Scoop, Vanilla Swirl, Caramel Twist.

Other than that, it's an OK bio. I'm looking forwards to seeing it when it's done! ^_^

[EDIT]

It's a lot better now ^_^

[brianblackberry]

I really do dig the concept of Bizmo, a magically enhanced ice cream that has no single set flavor but takes a little different (but great) to everypony, it reminds me of the "Zap Apples" which are great but the flavor is never truly explained. One idea to expand on this that would be great for her is her continuing to experiment with her magic to create new and exotic magical blends (or at least try to). It would make for a great plothook and potnetial for RP stories (ranging from general slapstick humor to magical adventure)

Just an idea for you.

For Great Justice!

[Skye]