holypony20 Posted April 4, 2011 Report Share Posted April 4, 2011 [ Pony Related Character ]Name:Tobias SalilGender:MaleAge:Stallion (28)Species:PegasusPelt Color:Crimson RedMane/Tail Color & Style:Deep Sky Blue & White Eye Color:AquaCutie Mark: A sword with wings behind it.Physique:Tall and robustResidence:Travels to many different places.Occupation:AdventurerMotivation:Even though he is injured and cant fly well anymore it didn't damper his spirits to see the world.Likes:Flying through the sky's, calm fields, and helping people in trouble.Dislikes:Bullies with no regard for someones feelings.Character Summary:Tobias Salil was a young Pegasus living in Cloudsdale that really wanted to get into the Wonderbolts. He was also a very adventurous pony because of all the stories his father told him of his adventures. He went into Junior Flight School and worked to graduate and try out for the Wonderbolts. He really liked the Wonderbolts because he liked all of there cool routines and moves so he was inspired to create his own. But when he went to try out something really bad happened. He had an accident that ruined his hopes for getting into the Wonderbolts. He was flying through the Everfree Forest one day practicing his flying routines. He heard a cry for help and he flew as fast as he could towards it. There was a Hydra chasing his old friend from Junior Flight School so he distracted the Hydra so his friend could get away. In the process the Hydra bit off part of his wing. Tobias after he got away from the hydra couldn't take it anymore and broke down and cried. His whole life's dream was just crushed in a moment. He got back to Ponyville and he got the wing patched up all nice and clean. After all of that he didn't let the situation get him down. He couldn't fly very well because that part of his left wing was gone. But he felt that he still had the adventurous spirit in him. As long as he could walk he could travel. Now he travels around trying to see the world and everything it can offer.Edit: I fixed the Cutie Mark so it not so similar to the Wonderbolts logo. I also revamped the story about his life. His disappointments and his spirit rising from the depression. I hope that its a much better story and I'm still stuck on having a much better pony like name. Ashi if you can help me or anyone else that reads this it would be a great help.Edit: updated with picture Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Thunder Boomer Posted April 4, 2011 Report Share Posted April 4, 2011 I'm not keen on the name "Scar Wing," It doesn't seem very creative to me. His parents named him that, and then by some coincidence later in life his wing was scarred? Doesn't seem that probable to me.Also, Ashi's character Storm Thrasher is a retired wonderbolt who has a scarred wing due to an accident. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
holypony20 Posted April 4, 2011 Author Report Share Posted April 4, 2011 The name ya it was hard for me and the story I could change I'm trying and Ashi if you think I was trying to copy your story I wasn't trying to and I'm sorry. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tam Posted April 5, 2011 Report Share Posted April 5, 2011 I don't believe you were trying to replicate my Storm Thrasher holypony20! Don't worry. But I do think the character feels very... flat. I'm not sure how to explain it. There's just a lot lacking and not a lot of depth or feel for this character.Ajax first off just doesn't seem like a very pony-like name.Age rounded to 28 years, so he's an older Stallion. If he was going to stay a Retired Wonderbolt you do have the right age for it.Ohh, now I admit seeing it a bit.>Residence:Travels with the weather.My character Thrash is a much much older Stallion, exWonderbolt with a damaged/torn wing, and now he's a weather patrol captain so he follows weather. This actually might be hitting to close to home just as a warning of character similarities!Occupation as an adventurer.. You might wanna mention more detail into it, why does he do it? You mentioned his cutie mark has a sword, maybe we can build from that! Like he wants to conquer all the lands by adventuring through them so he can say his own four hooves have gone where no pony has gone before with great pride. Even with a hurt wing!We don't know anything about this pony. We know what he looks like and why his wing is hurt. We should know where he comes from, why is he the pony he is today, what got him into the wonderbolts and why did he care enough to try and save some random pony? Why was he even out there to see that endangered pony? It was all just a little to sloppy. But I think with a bit more spit and shiny he will polish up beautifully. You have real potential here to make a true-blue-adventuresome type pony! Might be more fitting to make him full-on adventure than a Wonderbolt.Wonderbolts would need to stay in Cloudsdale and train in flight maneuvers while he would long to go out and explore. Seems a bit conflicting! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tam Posted April 5, 2011 Report Share Posted April 5, 2011 >Cutie Mark: A lightning bolt shaped sword going down with wings behind it.Also... Can you maybe just make it a regular shaped sword? I mean a lightening bolt is fine and all.. but it also has wings? It's just to close to the wonderbolts logo. :c Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
holypony20 Posted April 5, 2011 Author Report Share Posted April 5, 2011 Thanks for the suggestions I will try and change it around to see what I can do. I guess I can make him an adventurer that was an aspiring Wonderbolt but missed his chance because of the accident. I dont know do you think that would work. Ya I will also change the cutie mark I didn't realize how closely related to the the Wonderbolt logo it was. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tam Posted April 5, 2011 Report Share Posted April 5, 2011 That's actually a great idea! Gives it a real personal twist. He ever even got the chance to be a wonderbolt, but does this dampen his spirit? No. Because he still have 4 hooves and the wide world of equestria to see. I just picture that the sword of his cutie mark represents determination and the wings would represent freedom to go and explore as he pleases. Very epic in my head haha.But sure to take some notes about here he's from, growing up, let us know some background too. Not just one drastic event with a random pony, just doesn't feel to real. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
holypony20 Posted April 5, 2011 Author Report Share Posted April 5, 2011 I got it all fixed up but like I said after the edit part under the application I'm having trouble thinking up a more pony like name for him. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Skye Posted April 5, 2011 Report Share Posted April 5, 2011 You mention something about tearing his wing earlier in his summary, and then mention again later that the hydra bit off part of his wing. It seems to me that wing should be pretty much well mangled by then anyhow. It seems to be missing a little something from between the accident and the encounter with the hydra. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MudBug Posted April 5, 2011 Report Share Posted April 5, 2011 I think a few prunings here and there, a few proof readings and you'll be set to go. :3 THINK PONY. <3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
holypony20 Posted April 5, 2011 Author Report Share Posted April 5, 2011 You mention something about tearing his wing earlier in his summary, and then mention again later that the hydra bit off part of his wing. It seems to me that wing should be pretty much well mangled by then anyhow. It seems to be missing a little something from between the accident and the encounter with the hydra.Thanks for telling me Skye man I am messing up left and right sorry. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
holypony20 Posted April 5, 2011 Author Report Share Posted April 5, 2011 I think a few prunings here and there, a few proof readings and you'll be set to go. :3 THINK PONY. <3Ya sorry I'm not good at proof reading stuff so I might not catch much. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MyLittlePonyTales Posted April 6, 2011 Report Share Posted April 6, 2011 Hey, I came up with some names for you.Toby RembrandtTobias SalilThalion MegilValeriusToby/Tobias Perun Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
holypony20 Posted April 6, 2011 Author Report Share Posted April 6, 2011 Hey, I came up with some names for you.Toby RembrandtTobias SalilThalion MegilValeriusToby/Tobias PerunThanks Tales that's what I needed to finish this up. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MyLittlePonyTales Posted April 6, 2011 Report Share Posted April 6, 2011 Hey, I came up with some names for you.Toby RembrandtTobias SalilThalion MegilValeriusToby/Tobias PerunThanks Tales that's what I needed to finish this up.If you want a first and last name, mix up those words! They all have meanings too.Toby/Tobias: WingRembrandt: SwordSalil: SwordMegil: SwordThalion: StrongValerius: StrongPerun: Thunder, god of lightning Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
holypony20 Posted April 6, 2011 Author Report Share Posted April 6, 2011 Hey, I came up with some names for you.Toby RembrandtTobias SalilThalion MegilValeriusToby/Tobias PerunThanks Tales that's what I needed to finish this up.If you want a first and last name, mix up those words! They all have meanings too.Toby/Tobias: WingRembrandt: SwordSalil: SwordMegil: SwordThalion: StrongValerius: StrongPerun: Thunder, god of lightningCool so his new name means wing sword. Thanks for the creative name. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MyLittlePonyTales Posted April 6, 2011 Report Share Posted April 6, 2011 Cool so his new name means wing sword. Thanks for the creative name.Eyup, that was the point! You're welcome! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Skye Posted April 6, 2011 Report Share Posted April 6, 2011 Don't forget to change his name in your charater summary, you still refer to Ajax. But I think he's looking good now! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
holypony20 Posted April 6, 2011 Author Report Share Posted April 6, 2011 Don't forget to change his name in your charater summary, you still refer to Ajax. But I think he's looking good now!Ok now after many revisions I believe its all good right? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Skye Posted April 6, 2011 Report Share Posted April 6, 2011 I think he's looking alright. Approved! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
holypony20 Posted April 6, 2011 Author Report Share Posted April 6, 2011 I think he's looking alright. Approved!Thank you and sorry for putting you through all of my mistakes lol. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Skye Posted April 6, 2011 Report Share Posted April 6, 2011 That's why we're here! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
holypony20 Posted April 6, 2011 Author Report Share Posted April 6, 2011 That's why we're here!And I Rainbow Dash salute you for that. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tam Posted April 7, 2011 Report Share Posted April 7, 2011 Great job Holypony! <3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
holypony20 Posted April 7, 2011 Author Report Share Posted April 7, 2011 Great job Holypony! <3Thank you and that Rainbow Dash salute is for you too for working so hard to keep this site going and still able to converse with people. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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