Unicorn Soft Rime [Final]

[8bitIcecube]

Roleplay Type: World of Equestria

Name: Soft Rime

Sex: Male

Age: Adult Stallion

Species: Unicorn

Coat Color: Alice Blue; #F0F8FF

Mane/Tail Color & Style: Midnight Blue; #003366; with Pale aqua streaks. His mane is a messy Midnight blue pike of average length ending in pale aqua streaks.

His tail is also average length with Midnight and Pale blue streaks present in equal amounts.

Eye Color: Aquamarine

Cutie Mark: A melting ice cube;

Physique: He is a slender stallion standing about top-average height without much added weight by fat or muscles.

Origin: His birthplace is Manehattan. He grew with his parents which ran an Ice-Saloon, which he now owns.

Occupation: He is currently running the Ice-Saloon, preparing, mixing and cooling the different flavors of ice.

Motivation: His drive are the smiles and thanks of overheated-ponies after being cooled by the ice.

Likes: Soft Rime likes vanilla and banana flavored ice-cream. The soothing sounds of violins. Perfectly made Ice-sculptures. Running for long periods and the time right before dawn.

Dislikes: Hot weather. Very young Foals. Chocolate sprinkles.

Character Summary:

Soft Rime grew up with his two unicorn parents in Manehattan and went through schools as a mediocre student. He rather spent his time at his parents’ Ice-Saloon, learning magic from his father than learning from school books. He also enjoyed company with his very small group of friends, playing games and having fun.

He earned his cutiemark when he was helping his father clean out the Saloon's fridge. As eager colt he started to melt one of the bigger cooling elements, but also a bucket of vanilla ice-cream next to it. His father saw the good ice going to waste and cried out to stop. This startled Soft Rime, making him lose his concentration and balance. Stumbling into the table, he toppled the bucket of half liquid vanilla-ice. Soft Rime's thought of ice made the liquid freeze on impact. Creating a vanilla flavored Popsicle-unicorn, with a cutiemark. His father congratulated him cheerfully on freezing that ice so fast and gaining the cutiemark, proud that his son could succeed him in his work. Soft Rime addressed his new cutiemark with the widest smile he'd ever pull, filled with pride and glee he turned his attention to remove the frozen problem at hand.

Soft Rime is to be noted as an trustworthy pony, capable of keeping secrets and always trying to keep his word. But he always had problems showing his emotions and state of mind. He is the last pony to break out in laughter, to cry uncontrollably or to cheer loudly. This makes him look ‘cold’ to others while he actually has lots of warmth to give. And although he tends to be melancholic and pessimistic he’s very easy to cheer up.

Soft Rime's parents retired last year, leaving their son with their saloon. Soft Rime is now faced with the daunting task of running the saloon all by himself, preparing the ice, using magic to cool the fridge and saloon, serving customers and various other odd jobs. Not sure if he can handle the busiest season on his own. But when he saves up enough bits from his business he would like to see the rest of Equestria before opening up shop in a quieter place than Manehattan.

[8bitIcecube]

Removed some inconsistencies, fixed some words and grammar. Added a mediocre cutiemark story.

And lastly, marked as finished. Please leave your comments.

[IceStorm]

Hello there, and welcome. Always good to see new people coming to the RP.

Character Summary:

Soft Rime is a rather passive pony, he has a soft nature but acts somewhat emotionally detached.

He loves his two parents, but wants to escape their care to finally starts his own life. Preferably somewhere quiet and not so bustling as Manehattan.

He runs a few rounds on a daily basis, right before town. And after he tends to get the shop set-up and ready for another day.

A special some-pony hasn't entered his life yet, nor is he actively searching. And if he would find somepony fitting he wouldn't approach the mare on his own accord.

His special talent is the affinity for cooling magic, being able to freeze substantial amount of water (and other things) with equal effort.

He can sense the temperature in close proximity. Being able to somewhat accurate read temperatures in a mild range around the freezing point.

Making further extinction between warm, hot, ablaze and cool, freezing and polar.

He uses this to find leaks in the Ice-Saloons' walk-in fridge. To freeze new made blends and to keep the temperature down.

He's also capable of the opposite, making the tale behind his cutiemark. Where he actually managed to melt all the ice in the fridge making it a "cold" sauna of evaporated ice-creams.

The vanilla smell is stuck in his mane till this day.

Okay, so this has the makings of a fun character indeed, though somethings that would help it go a lot farther and help you in role-playing him.

What caused him to be emotionally detached? Has something happened to him to cause him to be emotionally detached or is it just from the general city life?

What has made him want to escape from his parents, and what does he want to do with his new life? Is the Ice-Saloon a family business that he's looking to spread to other areas or does he want to do something different?

Also, what are you meaning by right before town? I'm kinda confused as to what context that is meant in.

He earned his cutiemark when he was helping his father clean out the Saloon's fridge.

As eager filly he started to melt one of the bigger cooling elements, but also a bucket of vanilla ice-cream next to it.

His father saw the good ice going to waste and cried out to stop.

This startled Soft Rime, making him lose his concentration and balance.

Falling into the table, he toppled the bucket of half liquid vanilla-ice.

Soft Rime's thought of ice made the liquid in the bucket freeze on impact.

Creating a vanilla flavored Popsicle-unicorn, with a cutiemark.

This is a decent story. I honestly can't think of anything that would be able to improve on it. The only thing that I could think of is how did he get out of the Popsicle? Did his father get him out of it? or was he able to regain control of his magic and melt it away from him himself?

Author Notes:

This is my first try of making a forum-RP character. I tried to set his personality and ties to his background as compact and clear as possible.

Although, I'm not sure of making this the definite background. Just wanted to make a start and get this off my mind, before it starts getting random.

I played with the idea of him attending, "Celestia's school for gifted unicorns". But not sure how, why and which implications were tied to that.

I hope that it's clear that he posses a relatively large potential for magic, but managing freezing ones hoofs to the ground at most. Not making a whole pony into a ice sculpture.

And it's maybe clear to state that his prowess in magic only extends to cooling and lesser heating of things.

Are you wanting him to currently be a student of Celestia's school for gifted unicorns or has he already attended? Both options can open up a lot of role-playability. Also what would he benefit from it? Would it increase the effects that he has on ice? Increase the rate for freezing or how far his range is?

Furthermore (yes the notes are longer than his summary) I'm not sure if I want to put him past the point he moves away from his parents to.... Ponyville?

Not certain if he has a future of ....ice-cream and general cooling pony for all your cooling and preservation needs. (Do ponies have fridges? They do now!)

Yes, they have fridges. We saw the first one in Applebuck season so you're good there. However if you are planning on having him leave Manehatten, might I recommend Stalliongrad if you're looking for a place for his talent for cold to prosper. Or maybe even Canterlot with it being on a mountainside. I don't think ponyville is an option at the moment due to the housing crisis that is there. (located in the spoiler tag in Origin/Residence on the application outline)

This is the foundation for a good character, I am looking forward to see where this goes, and seeing this character in action.

[8bitIcecube]

First off, thanks for the abundant and well pointed reply.

What caused him to be emotionally detached?

Mind the exact wording, I intended him to act somewhat "cool and not caring" not because he is but because he has problems showing expressing his emotions.

It's a part of his inner personality. Not something caused by a youth trauma. I guess I could word it better.

What has made him want to escape from his parents, and what does he want to do with his new life? Is the Ice-Saloon a family business that he's looking to spread to other areas or does he want to do something different?

This is a part where I clearly failed to clearly describe my thoughts, my bad.

I wanted to explain something as, he wants to start his own life. Get loose from his parents' care.

Also, what are you meaning by right before town? I'm kinda confused as to what context that is meant in.

Overread that mistake, replace "town" with "dawn".

This is a decent story. I honestly can't think of anything that would be able to improve on it. The only thing that I could think of is how did he get out of the Popsicle? Did his father get him out of it? or was he able to regain control of his magic and melt it away from him himself?

To shorten the story, I left out that part. It's open for interpretation how a young colt gets a bucket load of vanilla ice off his horn.

Are you wanting him to currently be a student of Celestia's school for gifted unicorns or has he already attended? Both options can open up a lot of role-playability. Also what would he benefit from it? Would it increase the effects that he has on ice? Increase the rate for freezing or how far his range is?

It was an idea that played in my head, but didn't dare to imply because I didn't know what was involved. Regard it as discarded.

Thanks for catching those errors and supplying me with (hopefully) the last flaws in his character.

I'm going to take my time to fix them. But I guess I can get it done this evening.

Thanks for your help,

Sublimating again,

8bit-Icecube.

[8bitIcecube]

Basically rewrote his whole background. The thoughts remain the same, only different wordings.

Reflecting my thoughts more clearly, whilst refraining from loads of text.

I hope I didn't screw up the grammar. Which I'm pretty sure I did.

Anyway, would like another review before marking this as final..... again.

(Last time was waaay too soon, sorry for that.

I'm new and I demand the right to make mistakes )

Please leave your comments below,

8bit-Icecube.

[Chocoswirl]

^w^

This is a pretty good application, I must say. Though I ask, after he acquired his cutie mark, do you think you could explain more about how he felt about this? How about his parents? I think it would help to go into a little more detail about that.

This is a great application overall!

[8bitIcecube]

How about his parents?

What do you mean? How he feels about his parents or how his parents feel about his cutiemark?

I iz confuzzled. And honestly I don't really have a good vibe how to describe his feelings about his cutiemark....

Could you give me some suggestions? Have milled it over since yesterday..

And thanks for the compliment. I try to have some quality.

[Chocoswirl]

I meant how his parents felt about his cutie mark. Sorry for not being too clear! ^^"

Was he proud of himself when he froze the liquid and got his cutie mark? Was he surprised? Things like that. Maybe he could have been proud of himself for freezing the liquid and his parents were too. You could go into more detail after that.

Oh, and you would want to change filly to colt. Filly is for a girl. :3

You're welcome! ^-^

[Chapien]

Hello and Good Morning!

Wow, your character is very unique indeed! I have just a few questions to ask. For starters, what were his parents actually like? Why, and how recently, did they retire? Does anyone else work at the saloon with Soft Rime, or does he run the entire place on his own? Other than that and a few grammar issues, this is a pretty solid application- just try to expand on the background a bit. When developing a character, it is often vital to bear the key questions in mind at all times: Who, what, why, where, when, and how. Asking yourself these questions can lead to an even deeper, richer back-story, with more details and as an effect, be more interesting!

But as I said, it is a great application and I look forward to Role-playing with you.

[8bitIcecube]

Oh, and you would want to change filly to colt. Filly is for a girl. :3

Blasphemy! I would never make such mistake..... oops.

Other than that and a few grammar issues.

Grammar issues?! English ain't my strongest language, so if you'd care to PM my mistakes I could learn from them.

The biggest problem I have right now is the length. I try to keep it at ~3 decent paragraphs.

Thanks for the suggestion, let me address them. I hope to be approved soon enough.

[Chapien]

Blasphemy! I would never make such mistake..... oops.

Grammar issues?! English ain't my strongest language, so if you'd care to PM my mistakes I could learn from them.

The biggest problem I have right now is the length. I try to keep it at ~3 decent paragraphs.

Thanks for the suggestion, let me address them. I hope to be approved soon enough.

It isn't so much grammar;

But rather;

The way you structured your paragraphs

Was a bit odd

And reminded me

of a Poem.

[8bitIcecube]

The weird thing is, I get the same feeling. And I'm tempted to make it rhyme.....

But then again, I find that annoying for these things and it's too difficult for me.

It's because I avoid large sentences with extra sentences with several extensive clarification on them to make a long sentence that's difficult to comprehend and read and that really don't fits me so well.

AND I find it annoying to use the full width of the page. Makes it hard to read on an 1900 pixels wide screen. To break a line

mid sentence is also something to avoid. So these things I prefer together make it like a poem. I'll go and experiment with that. Thanks for bringing it up.

[Chapien]

I hear you there, my monitor is 1920x1080 and reading can be a pain in the flank on it. I just find it odd when people put one sentence in each line; its just a bit unconventional is all. I personally don't mind it, but others may find it hard to read.

[8bitIcecube]

Done editing.

Added some thoughts with his cutiemark and weaved some more information about him succeeding his parent's shop.

And adjusted the structure. It seems much less now, but that's what I expected.

This should cover most of his background, giving him a clear point to start.

And giving people a clear idea about his personality and his background, without getting really familiar with him or confining him with excessive details.

I feel that this is good enough to set to final, but I'd like some second thoughts.

Please leave your comments,

8bit-Icecube.

[Chapien]

Done editing.

Added some thoughts with his cutiemark and weaved some more information about him succeeding his parent's shop.

And adjusted the structure. It seems much less now, but that's what I expected.

This should cover most of his background, giving him a clear point to start.

And giving people a clear idea about his personality and his background, without getting really familiar with him or confining him with excessive details.

I feel that this is good enough to set to final, but I'd like some second thoughts.

Please leave your comments,

8bit-Icecube.

Good Morning again!

Well, you know what they say; quality over quantity. It is a bit of a short background, I will admit, but something I've found is that a short background can actually be very beneficial. It means less of your character is set in stone, leaving you far more room to grow as a character during the actual Role-play, which I feel is one of the most vital parts of Role-play; Character development and growth, rather than just sticking to a particular mold. For what you set out to do, this is a great application! And I'm glad that I could help.

[8bitIcecube]

It means less of your character is set in stone, leaving you far more room to grow as a character during the actual Role-play.

This is the exact way I feel about it.

Thank Chocoswirl and xIceStormx and you for all of your help.

I look forward to roleplaying.

[Chocoswirl]

Glad to be of help! ^w^

[Armony]

This application's got a good amount in the way of past events, but there's nothing here that defines the personality of your character. What does he act like on a regular basis? What would it be like for another pony to interact with him? What are his flaws? Answering questions like this will do a lot to add that missing depth to your character.

I'd also suggest doing some proofreading, either yourself or asking someone else to do it, to help make the application more clear. As it is, there are a lot of fragments, such as

Soft Rime's thought of ice made the liquid in the bucket freeze on impact.

Creating a vanilla flavored Popsicle-unicorn, with a cutiemark.

Rather spending time in his parents’ Ice-Saloon, learning magic from his father. Or with his small group of friends, which would joke about how he got his emotions frozen in the fridge that he likes so much.

Just to point out a few. Clarity is a very important thing, both for staff and for your fellow RP'ers

[8bitIcecube]

Thank you for the feedback.

I made some changes and added a small description of his personality. I hope it made that part clear. I also rewrote pieces of the rest, hopefully making it easier to read. My problem has always been the problem of writing clear sentences, without constantly resorting to small statements. Hope people will enjoy the changes and gets me into Roleplaying!

Please reflect and leave your comments,

8bit-Icecube

[Armony]

Excellent, that looks quite a bit better to me! I've got nothing else to comment on, so I'm going to send this up for approval!

[8bitIcecube]

Thank you

This means I can have the long awaited Stamp?

[SunsetSombra]

Looks good to me, can't see anything particularly troublesome with it from my end!