Jane

Hammer Spark holds up the finally knotted Cherry Stem with pride! At last, after eating 27 cherries, he had finally done it! [colour=#7f0000]"You see?"[/colour] he says proudly, as a red earth pony and the two pegasi enter the shop, (funny that; he didn't remember them leaving) [colour=#7f0000]"it's not just private pegasus business! Unicorns can knot Cherry Stems, too!"[/colour] ​

Hammer Spark looked down at the rainbow mare's half-eaten bowl of ice cream. It really did look appetizing, but he had more immediate matters to attend to. Such as, say, private Pegasus business?[colour=#7f0000]"I'll have you pegasi know that Unicorns can too tie cherry stems into knots with their tongues!"[/colour] he announced, suddenly realizing that he was now not only defending his own honour, but the honour of the entire unicorn race! He began furiously chewing on a cherry and tried once again to tie it into a knot. When this one snapped too, he let out a frustrated growl! He was one of Equestria's finest! He would not be defeated this easily! So determined was he, that he failed to even notice that Rainbow Dash and Chocolate Mint had long since left him alone in the shop and were outside flying. ​

Finally! The cone began to glow blue as he took hold of it with his magic. Only then did he realize how much he had frightened the pony behind the counter.[colour=#7f0000]"I-I apologize for losing my temper like that,"[/colour] he said, ashamed of his outburst. For good measure, he ate the cherry that was atop his cone and attempted to tie it in a knot using his own tongue. He very nearly had it, too, but instead he managed to snap the stem of the cherry in half. Why, this must mean that he didn't have what it takes! This would never do! Not one to back down from a challenge, he shook his head with frustration.[colour=#7f0000]"Could I have some more cherries?"[/colour] he asked, throwing the bits down on the counter. He would tie a cherry stem into a knot with his tongue, even if it meant his chocolate peanut butter ice cream melted while he did so! Such would be the sacrifice he would make! ​

Well wasn't that a turn around? Though Hammer Spark wasn't about to be treated by a mare like this. Chivalry was not dead, and Hammer Spark strove to be living proof of this.[colour=#7f0000]"While I appreciate the offer, I was rather more upset about the cutting in line. I was here first, if you don't mind my insisting so. However, the deed is done, so we ought to move away from it. I'll pay for my own ice cream, thank you very-"[/colour] Hammer Spark was suddenly feeling quite forgotten as counters were stood on and lessons were requested and a conversation ensued. What was this? All he'd wanted was Ice Cream! And, furthermore, he was one of Equestria's Royal Guard! He was better than this, surely! He cleared his throat angrily, using his magic to thrust his bits into the shopkeeper's face. [colour=#7f0000]"One double scoop Chocolate Peanut Butter and Vanilla Mint Chip if you please, without any further interruptions!"[/colour] he demanded. [colour=#7f0000]"Thank you!"[/colour] ​

The sergeant smiles at the mare. Of course, he already had his heart set on the chocolate peanut butter, but sometimes it was good to try a bit of the old with a bit of the new. [colour=#7f0000]"Well, ma'am, if it wouldn't be too much trouble I would really love to try a scoop of the chocolate peanut butter mixed with a scoop of vanilla mint-"[/colour] he pauses mid sentence as a bright blue pony with a rainbow mane dashes into the shop and cuts in front of him in line. So the show was splendid enough to be in a Wonderbolts performance, but that didn't mean Hammer was terribly impressed at being cut off. He glared at the mare, but wasn't sure whether or not it would be worth his effort to point out that she'd cut in front of him. He gives the mare behind the counter a rather confused look. ​

((OOC: Hey, I think Hammer Spark is waiting for the owner of the shop to offer him service. That's normally what people in shops do to customers. Just a hint. ))

Hammer smiles and licks his lips hungrily, glad that he'll be able to taste some of that delicious ice cream after all. [colour=#7f0000]"Oh thank you,"[/colour] he says to the mare with a smile, [colour=#7f0000]"I really do appreciate this. It's been an awfully long day and on a warm afternoon like this ice cream would hit the spot just perfectly."[/colour] He follows the young mare into the shop and begins looking over all of the delicious flavours.​

...okay, I'm done now. *dons professional staff mode* Just a few teensy tweaks needed for WoE. Occupation and residence go before history and cutie mark (though I see why you put them after - it's just that Phil is overly dedicated to his app form ). Also, could you expand on the cutie mark story just a little bit more? Without going into the realms of tragedy or serious injury, was there anything specific (maybe a near-miss?) that Jet Stream witnessed or was a part of that made him so passionate about safety? The cutie mark story should be a bit longer and more detailed, as earning one's cutie mark is one of the most important moments in a pony's life. Could you try to write it so that it reflects that by adding some more vivid detail and emotion into the story? That's it! So excited to get to RP with you!

Hi there Shooting Star! I'm Jane, and I shall be the RPH assisting you with getting your application ready for WoE. You seem to have a pretty interesting concept for a character here, but there are quite a few changes needing to be made before we'll be able to set you up in the World of Equestria. Essentially, this application is focussed far too much on Shooting Star's magic and not enough on who he is as a pony. The wonderful Bellosh101 wrote a great article on Swordponies and Spellponies that is definitely worth your having a look at. Secondly, the nature of his magic just seems strange and ambiguous. It's my impression that the Princesses are the only ones who can control the bodies of the sky (sun, moon, stars, etc.). Since you haven't really outlined what it is his magic can do, only that it's related to stars, I'm kind of unsure about the extent of its power. The general consensus is, however, that his magic cannot feed off an external source, as it's pretty much been established canonically that a unicorn's magic "comes from within" (see Twilight Sparkle's rants in both Bridle Gossip and Feeling Pinkie Keen). There are several ways to have your character be interested in the stars and astronomy in general without having his magic depend on them. Third, ponies wouldn't ever be bullied for a lack of magical ability as foals and colts. Sweetie Belle has never shown much of any magical ability, nor has she ever been bullied, and it is my understanding that young unicorns simply need to develop their magic as they grow older. We're even shown in "Cutie Mark Chronicles" that Twilight Sparkle, who would later become one of the most magical unicorns in Equestria, had difficulty turning a page telekinetically. Your Unicorn would not have been alone in having "next to no magical abilities for a large period of time while going through school," and this certainly would not have warranted constant bullying, nor made him feel inadequate in his parents' eyes. Lastly, please don't make any references to other cast characters in your application, not even for comparisons. The references made to Fancy Pants and Trixie will have to go. You can just say "Higher class ponies in Canterlot", and "travelling magic shows" without referencing those two characters and it should be fine. That should be enough to get you started. Please post here once you've made the requested edits, or if you have any questions, and I will do by best to get back to you as soon as I can.

Why did you decide to join Canterlot? Also, why is the sad Cebu sad?

Much, much, much better! I'm really impressed. I'm sorry I forgot about this when writing my review earlier, but the physical description provided in the app is sufficient and the picture played a role in me thinking this was a reference. Could you remove the image, as it adds very little to the app overall? Also, you've talked mostly about her interests in the character summary, and that's good, but could you add a little bit more to her personality, and especially to her mannerisms and how she behaves around other ponies? This is RP based on social interaction, and other players might be looking at this app to try to get an idea of who your pony is when RPing with you, so those details are rather important. Also, this particular line doesn't seem very WoE - considering her occupation a boiler explosion might be an acceptable fear, as long as she doesn't live in constant paranoia of one happening. But being buried alive seems a tad irrational for our light-hearted, slice of life game.Just add a little bit more to her personality, and you should be right as rain!

Looks great Dio! Again, love the idea of a Crystal Pony trying to live outside of the Empire!

This was the day Stormwing had feared the most, ever since he moved to Trottingham and started spending more and more time with his grandparents. Grandma Periwinkle had fallen and was now in the hospital, and it was storm day! Stormwing had spent the entire day with the other weather ponies preparing for the storm, and it wasn't until he stumbled into his Aunt that he realized something had happened.She had already been to the post office to mail letters to the rels, but Stormwing knew immediately that he needed to get word to his mother and sister much sooner than the mail would allow. It was only an hour's flight to Cloudsdale, and Stormwing adored flying through the storms - it was a risk, yes, but as far as he was concerned, it was a risk worth taking. Leaving his grandmother surrounded by her husband, daughter and granddaughters, Stormwing set off through the rugged night towards the City in the Sky where his mother and sister lived and worked. His heart beat wildly with the thunder, and he felt the adrenaline course through his veins at every lightning flash. The driving rain soaked his pelt and feathers, and stung at his eyes - to any other pony it might have been miserable, but to Stormwing it was absolute bliss. Suddenly, there was an almighty flash and a crash closer to Stormwing than he ever could have imagined, and the smell of burning feathers filled his nostrils as a shot of pain coursed through his left wing. It wouldn't be his first time getting struck by lightning, much like this wasn't his first night out in a storm, but the timing of it could not have been worse. Frightened for the first time, the gray-blue stallion began flailing his legs, wildly reaching for something to grab onto. With a thud, he landed on a large cumulonimbus cloud. It seemed to still be charged with electricity, but at least he wouldn't be plummeting to the dangerous surface of the lake below. He brought himself to his hooves, his heart still thumping wildly as he tried to stretch his wings once again. His left wing cried out in pain and Stormwing suddenly realized that he would never be able to fly in this condition. He was stranded! All around him the storm raged on. He could only hope somepony would come along soon to help him out. ​

Hiya! Welcome to Canterlot! Have you ever seen a shooting star?

After a hard day of training at the barracks, Hammer Spark was on his way home to his apartment when he suddenly decided that he was craving some ice cream. To his dismay, he soon discovered that his favourite ice cream shop appeared to be closed. He was about to give up when he recognized its owner looking very forlorn, walking along the other side of the street.[colour=#7f0000]"Excuse me,"[/colour] he called out, [colour=#7f0000]"I do so hate to disturb you like this, but I was just wondering if you might consider opening your shop for a brief moment so that I might have a spot of your delicious ice cream. I won't be a moment, but you simply make the most delicious chocolate and peanut butter ice cream I have ever tasted in all my life."[/colour] He hoped the mare would hear him and open up the shop for him - it really seemed a strange hour to be closed, in any case. And he really wanted some of that ice cream. ​

Hammer Spark listened with intense interest as his sister spoke passionately about her journeys. So intensely focused was he on finally hearing her voice again that the ballroom and its excitement seemed to slowly fade away into the background.​ [colour=#cc99ff]"Well, it wasn't too long ago that I got back from a voyage of many months down to Unyasi, if you can believe it. Such an exotic and lively land that is! We saw so many new things there. Quite the experience."[/colour]​ [colour=#7f0000]"Unyasi! Oh my dear sister, that must have been so exciting! I have only heard stories about the place, it must have been wondrous to visit and experience first-hoof! The Zebras have such a unique and fascinating culture and I am sure it was quite insightful to spend some time in their native land."[/colour]​ [colour=#cc99ff]"Other than that, I've mostly been called upon for the usual sorts of excursions. Everfree, the badlands, the swamplands in Aquelia. I'm still the dragon to call on for anypony wanting to trek through any of Equestria's rougher spots. I have a few Arctic excursions coming up; that area has become a lot more popular what with that Crystal Empire that's apparently up there now."[/colour]​ [colour=#7f0000]"Ahh, the arctic! I may have ventured to the far northern reaches of our land once or twice whilst I was stationed in Stalliongrad. I have yet to get to the Crystal Empire, though I would love to head up there as soon as I can,"[/colour] he sighed, smiling. [colour=#7f0000]"It is so good to hear that you're making a life for yourself, Sierra. I always knew you would accomplish great things - how wonderful is it to see and experience Equestria for yourself? Of course, my experiences have differed rather drastically from yours, being of the military variety, but I have still been so many places and seen so many things, and I wouldn't have it any other way."[/colour]​ [colour=#cc99ff]"I haven't been down toward Canterlot in I don't know how long. These days I don't even tend to spend very much time at home in Breakbeak before I have some other trip to leave on,"[/colour]​ Hammer frowned slightly. He knew his sister didn't much like crowds, but of course in his excitement to see her, he very nearly forgot where they were as he listened to her speak of her adventures. But as their conversation slowed, he too began to be self-conscious of the stares the two were getting from the other ponies. There weren't too many - a lot of the ponies were engaged in their own affairs - a tall unicorn mare seemed to be deep in conversation with a light red earth pony. A grey mare in a lavender gown stood anxiously with her family. Perhaps they had both worried needlessly as to just how Sierra would be received at the event.[colour=#7f0000]"And I do so appreciate that you came to Canterlot to visit me as you did. I know how you feel about the crowded city and I'm so grateful that you're here in spite of your reservations,"[/colour] he told her, [colour=#7f0000]"but to put it simply, unless you're planning on setting the place ablaze, it doesn't really look like anypony cares that you're a dragon. I think they're just more curious than anything."[/colour] ​

[colour=#8C9AAB]Ponies? Ponies? Rook said nothing to her sister, but a low growl formed in the back of her throat. She had seen a pony in the camp once - terrible whiny little thing who gave endless grief to the clan leaders. Needless to say, Rook wasn't terribly impressed to think her sister had attended a whole gathering of ponies. Rook went on working quietly next to Kalime. She marveled over some of the prettier diamonds, and while Rook had never really cared much for beauty, she had to agree that the triangle-cut diamonds were lovely. At least Kalime was showing some interest in Diamond-Dog appropriate behaviour just then. The bigger dog grunted in response, pulling two more rubies and an emerald from the rock wall and tossing them both into the wagon nearby. [/colour] ​"Is Rook angry at Kalime again? What did Kalime do now? Because she swears it was not her that ate Rookie Rookie's share of the oatmeal..." [colour=#8C9AAB][colour=#FEE995]"Not oatmeal,"[/colour] Rook said with a sigh. She had a feeling it was one of the pups who had gotten into her oatmeal anyways, and even then she didn't much like oatmeal, so that didn't bother her any. [colour=#FEE995]"Ponies. Me no like when you leave camp. It dangerous."[/colour]Kalime needed to understand this. She needed to understand that Rook wasn't anxious about her leaving camp for no reason. She honest to goodness loved her sister and only feared for her safety when she vanished for hours at a time like this. Rook feared the world outside the camp - she saw no reason to leave the constrains of their territory. Not when there were hydras and manticores and dragons and ursas running around out there. The ponies with their funky magic made her anxious, but the fierce creatures haunted her nightmares. [colour=#FEE995]"Me worried is all."[/colour] she said with a slight sigh.[/colour] ​

[colour=#cc0066]"Well howdy there! Thank ya kindly, ya don't look to bad yourself. Ah actually set this here boutique up all by myself! Ah could've used some strong hooves, though, Ah nearabout fell offa my ladder a few times."[/colour] [colour=#00333E]"Well that's sure a shame,"[/colour] Stormwing smiled widely at the mare's kind words, [colour=#00333E]"I sure would have helped you if I'd been in town and known a damsel of you was in need of my aid. Ladders must be terrible things to try to manoeuvre on your own."[/colour] It soon became clear to him that he was dealing with a proper businessmare, when despite his advances, she went straight for Whirligig and set about helping her find a dress. Still, nopony to help her? He could hardly imagine trying to set this place up on your own. And ladders? As a pegasus, Stormwing had never needed to use one. The stallion did not envy Earth Ponies, not one bit. Apparently they were stronger than unicorns and pegasi, though, and so far from Stormwing's experience, this had proven true. This spunky little country mare seemed to have everything worked out - even in his inexperienced opinion the little dress shop looked like it was bound to be a success, especially in the city of Canterlot where there was plenty of market for fanciful clothing. ​[colour=#cc0066]"Well shucks, those are an awful lot of compliments! Thank ya kindly. As for ballgowns, Ah've got a section of 'em right here. Allow me to show ya. By the way, what's your name?"[/colour] [colour=#498995]"Well you've got an awfully lovely shop bluebird, and it's oh so very deserving of lots and lots of compliments! Oh, and my name's Whirligig, how silly of me not to introduce myself! What's your name, Bluebird?" commented the young mare as she followed the earth pony over to where the assortment of ball gowns were hanging. To her great delight, the store owner showed her a lovely floor length gown that the delighted Whirligig decided was completely and absolutely perfect.[colour=#498995]"Oh, Bluebird! That dress is absolutely gorgeous! I simply adore it. I must try it on at once!"[/colour]. Whirligig took the hanger from the store owner and flew into the change room in order to try own the delicate gown. ​ Stormwing, meanwhile, finally found the clothes for stallions. He would be attending the evening's ball as well, and was certainly in need of something to wear so as not to be completely outdone by his sister. He wasn't much less hopeless when it came to stallions fashions, though, and was completely lost as he examined the fancy suits and waistcoats. What would be enough? What would be overdoing it? Or, as Whirligig had mentioned, what would suit his personality? What would look good with his colouring?Of course his attention was drawn away from his ponderings when Whirligig emerged from the changing room wearing a lovely gown! All of Stormwing's concerns about his own wardrobe (and his bit purse) vanished when he saw his sister. Her mane still hung loosely about her in her usual fashion, and she would probably be looking to get that done tomorrow along with finding some jewelry, but the gown made her look absolutely splendid! He would have to keep an extra-close eye on the other stallions come tomorrow evening. [colour=#00333E]"Whirly-bird, you look beautiful!"[/colour] he exclaimed, smiling proudly at his little sister. This dressmaker really knew her stuff, of that Stormwing was now quite certain. ​ [colour=#498995]"Do you think so, Ducky? Actually, I think I rather like it myself. It's elegant and simple, and rather 'me' I'd say. It really is lovely-dovely!"[/colour] Whirligig said with a smile, twirling around the shop for a bit. [colour=#498995]"I can tell you definitely designed this with a Pegasus in mind,"[/colour] she said, turning her attention back to the fashionista,[colour=#498995]"it's super lovely to fly around in. I really like it, but you know how it is; never go with the first one without trying on others. Do you possibly maybe have anything else I could try on?"[/colour][/colour]​

That's quite alright - the first app is pretty much always the most difficult. I shall be here to help you all along the way! So, firstly, while I appreciate that you've looked at Rarity's fabulous application form for suggestions of ideas for your character, the suggestions she gives you for what to include in various fields are just that - suggestions. You don't need to list each suggestion as though it was a field in and of itself. We want you to write in prose, as that's the style of writing you will presumably be adopting once you start RPing. All of the italicized headings can go so that you're just writing about your character in prose-style paragraphs. Here are a few apps for you to look at that are filled out the way we like them, in order to help give you an idea of how we want the application to be written. Secondly, there should be no references to other characters from the show in your app, be it to compare or to say that your pony knew them. Relationships should be established organically within the RP area unless you have express permission from the other character's player. The reference to 'being born just after Twilight Sparkle' will need to go. If you're doing that to establish her age, simply saying she's a 'young mare' will suffice. Thirdly, when writing your character's history, you really don't need to mention events that took place in the show unless they had a direct effect on who your character is. You will notice that none of the apps I linked you to earlier make any reference to the events of the show, though some of their players may decide to play their characters as though they were present for certain events. It might come up in RP that your character was in the crowd at Twilight Sparkle's coronation, but that doesn't add much to who she is as a character and doesn't need to be mentioned in the app. Instead, try talking about her childhood in terms of, for example, how she felt about school, what sort of friends she made in school, how she felt about moving from the City of Canterlot to the outskirts, and maybe more about how she gets along with her parents. This section should be in prose as well. That should be enough to get you started. You don't need to change the title of the thread every time you make changes - just having it as "Calliope Steammusic (Ready)" will suffice, and when you've made changes just post here to say they've been done. I am following this thread and I will get notifications when you post. If you have any further questions, again post them here and I will get to them as soon as I can.

Hiya, welcome to Canterlot! Nope, you can go right ahead and share your videos whenever you like! Just be sure to put them in the appropriate subforum.

That's a pretty hilarious coincidence, actually. Okay, forgetting everything I wrote in that one paragraph, WoE or FFA my friend?

Hello, Welcome to Canterlot! You seem excited to RP! The RP section is here.

Hey there Paaaad. I'm Jane, and I'm the RPH who will be helping you with your application. Firstly, these are our RP types: World of Equestria - Character application required!Canterlot's canon-friendly roleplay, World of Equestria (or WoE/Mane RP) is a strict, structured game that mirrors the basic principles, rules, and continuity (canon) of My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic. Characters here must pass a review process by our volunteer staff to be deemed acceptable for play in this area. This game also features players that play Cast from FiM. Free for All and Crossovers - No application required. Free for All is an area designated for any character, and anything you can dream. This is a good place to test new character concepts, story ideas, and to meet new and interesting players. Mature content must go in the 18+ sub-section. ​Based on what I see here, it will take quite a bit of work for us to bring this application up to the level that is expected for WoE characters. If you are adamant that this character be for WoE, I will be happy to help to get it ready for that setting but it will need several changes. On the other hoof, if you would rather not making any changes to her, then you just need to change the "RP Type" to "Free For All" and you're all set to play her in that area of the board. Also, I have been informed by some of my colleagues that this character is a reference to a Homestuck character. Unfortunately, we don't allow for crossover characters in WoE (that's why we have a Crossover section!) - while it may be okay for your character to be very loosely inspired by a character from another medium, if this is a direct reference it won't be permitted in WoE. My Homestuck knowledge is incredibly sparse, so I wouldn't know if this is a direct reference, but I will be having someone who is highly knowledgeable of the series looking this over before passing it along to the senior staff to be stamped should you choose to keep this a WoE application. Just something to keep in mind. Do let me know here what you decide to do.