Pegasus Valoren Seeker

[ShadowStorm88]

Edited version.

Name: Valoren Seeker, or Val.

Gender: Male

Age: Stallion

Species: Pegasus

Pelt Color: Black

Eye Color: Green

Mane/Tail Color & Style: Extremtly jet black rockish in the front that covers abit of his left eye, and rockish in the back as well. His tail is spiked across the back, and has a streak of dark blue through it

Cutie Mark: A silver sword embedded through a shield with the symbol of Canterlots army. He recieved this when he was a foal, when he was trying to find out what he was good at. Whilst in school as a foal, one of his friends was being picked on by the school bully. At first as a foal, he was rather timid and didnt want to get invovled so he wouldnt get hurt so he tried to ignore it. But when he saw the bully wouldnt stop, a feeling of valor entered him as he decided to invovle himself. Getting in the bullies way, he demanded he stop whats hes doing. When the bully didnt listen, Shadow popped him one in the nuzzle, pasicfing him which caused the bullies little gang of followers to disband. Having protected someone, Shadow blinked as a felt a strange sensation. Looking down, he saw his cutie mark but at the time didnt know what it ment. It would be sometime before he realized what he had to do.

Physique: A powerful runners build with muscles.

Residence: He has a small home withint Canterlot. He wanders from one place to the next, and seeks powerful opponents so he can become stronger.

Occupation: Wandering Fighter, and Protector

Motivation: To become the number one fighter in all of Equestria. He thought about joining the royal guard, but decided against it since he didnt want to join something where he would be told what to do, and when to do it. In order to better himself, and to live up to his cutie mark; he trains and travels from one place to the next, seeking powerful opponents to use as a lesson in order to proect others.

Likes: Fighting, and Exploring. He desires friends as he's sadly never made friends that he could keep as being friends with. The reason of this is mostly because of his wandering nature, and how he fears is that if he befriends those in the sort of life he leads, that they'll get hurt because of him. Secerly, he desires to find love yet does not know how to show it. He loves adventure as well, and thirst for it all the time since he wishes nothing more then to go as many as possible. Helping others, it gives him a good feeling after he has done whatever he could to help out.

Dislikes: Trouble. Having his trust broken, and betrayl.

Character Summary: His father is a Captain of the royal guard to guard princess Celestia, whilst his mother is a teacher of the local school for other ponies. Born in Canterlot, Shadows father joined the Royal guard as a means to keep his family secure. Shadow at first wanted to become a guard like his father when he was a foal, but as he played with friends during games where he had to follow others, he discovered that he disliked taking orders, to almost an extreme sense. Deciding to strike out on his own, Shadow wandered away from Canterlot and into Evergreen Forest. Encountering monsters, and beast that sent him fleeing for his life; he discovered a lone deer that had gotten its hoof stuck in a root sticking out of the ground. A small sized dragon leared over it, eager to eat the lone creature. Feeling a sense of courage burst within him, Shadow charged towards the creature in rush as he kicked it as hard as he could at its nose. The shock of being attacked in such a manner, cause the dragon to flee as the deer freeded itself at last and fled the scene. That was when he realized what his cuite mark ment. The sword and shield. It was up to him to protect others, on his own terms. So, when he was old enough to leave, Shadow struck out on his own from Canterlot to explore Equestria, to help in protecting others and to become Equestrias number one fighter. Whilst that is the dream he aspires to live up to, the sword he understod ment for him to be able to become stronger and to fight otehrs, the shield ment he is supposed to be able to protect others. Which is why he trains, in order to become strong enough to protect what he cares about.

[MyLittlePonyTales]

Sorry, but this character isn't going to work in our RP as he stands right now. The only world that exists in the RP is Equestria. However, the Crossovers RP (which does not require accepted applications) would be fine for this character.

If you wish to keep him for regular RPing, he's got a bit of a ways to go. Firstly, his age. We don't use child or teenager or adult, we use foal, colt/filly, or stallion/mare.

There's nothing that says your character can't be a fighter, though. There is the royal guard, for one, which means that there probably are ponies who actually fight, sometimes.

Some things to take into consideration when working on your application:

Where were they born?

What did their parents do for a living?

Where do they live now/how did they get there?

When/how did they get their Cutie Mark?

Expand on the character. We know nothing about them. What you've got to do is help us get to know the character.

[ShadowStorm88]

Edited version.

Name: Shadow Enigmer

Gender: Male

Age: Stallion

Species: Pegasus

Pelt Color: Black

Eye Color: Green

Mane/Tail Color & Style: Extremtly jet black rockish in the front that covers abit of his left eye, and rockish in the back as well. His tail is spiked across the back, and has a streak of dark blue through it

Cutie Mark: A silver sword embedded through a shield with the symbol of Canterlots army. He recieved this when he was a foal, when he was trying to find out what he was good at. When he discovered he had a love for fighting, he woke up with the mark after challenging the school bully when he went to school the day before.

Physique: A powerful runners build with muscles.

Residence: He has a small cottage outside of ponyville. He wanders from one place to the next, and seeks powerful opponents so he can become stronger.

Occupation: Wandering Fighter

Motivation: To become the number one fighter in all of Equestria. He thought about joining the royal guard, but decided against it since he didnt want to join something where he would be told what to do, and when to do it.

Likes: Fighting, and Exploring. He desires friends as he's sadly never made friends that he could keep as being friends with. Secerly, he desires to find love yet does not know how to show it. He loves adventure as well, and thirst for it all the time since he wishes nothing more then to go as many as possible.

Dislikes: Trouble. Having his trust broken, and betrayl. He also hates when others looks down him because of his age.

Character Summary: His father is a Captain of the royal guard to guard princess Celestia, whilst his mother is a teacher of the local high school for other ponies. Born in ponyville, Shadow had always wanted to go exploring when he was younger when he had heard about the many adventures other ponies had when he was a foal. Deciding to see for himseklf after defending himself from the school bully, he decided to go out and try adventuring whilst training himself to become stronger. He has a friendly rivarly with Rainbow Dash, as teh two compete all the time.

[MudBug]

I don't think I understand the shifting of the eye colour, it seems a little odd and maybe a tad too out of character for a regular pony of Equestria.

[ShadowStorm88]

WHoops!! Forgot to fix that part. Ill go fix it.

[ShadowStorm88]

Alright its been fixed.

[Thunder Boomer]

Could you move your revised post, to your post at the top of the thread? There should be an edit button on the top-right that has a picture of a pencil in it.

[ShadowStorm88]

Alright, I did it. I hope everythings in order

[MyLittlePonyTales]

You say in the dislikes, 'He also hates when others looks down him because of his age.' This makes it seem like he's a young pony, but you say he's a Stallion. Can you maybe clarify this a bit?

You also said his mom is a teacher...I feel you should just say school instead of high school. I get the feeling that ponies don't go to school for that many years, and that pretty much all foals attend the same school, regardless of age.

Also, since he's a Stallion, try adding more to his character summary. You skip from foalhood to adulthood, and don't really talk about what Shadow is like as a an individual. Sure, he likes fighting, but what else? What has he done in life? Maybe talk about his Cutie Mark story a bit more, you seem to just graze over it. Also, why was he born in Ponyville? It seems like his father, being a captain of the Royal Guard, would have resided in Canterlot. At what age/point in life did Shadow decide to strike out on his own?

Expand on the character.

Also, I see a red flag. The RP rules state that you can't have prior buddy buddy relationships with the main cast. So the part about Shadow and Rainbow Dash competing all the time has to go. However, while in RP, there's nothing to say that you can't meet her, get to know her, have a few races. You may RP with the main cast, but you can't have previous relationships. The RP is there to build those friendships.

[ShadowStorm88]

Alright, Fixed it.

[Manestream]

I am starting to see how this OC is coming together. I think this is doable, and I have a few pointers that might help solidify your concept:

1) Your OC's true talent is to protect others, and finding courage in the moment to overcome fear in order to do so. However, being a guardian is very different than being a 'fighter'. The way you have his interests written, it sounds like your OC really likes to fight- and not necessarily 'protect'. Thats why it seems like there is a disconnect. This is quite easily fixable though; you just need to go into more detail about the reasons your OC searches for strong opponents.

For example, your OC may actually dislike fighting, but know that he needs to be strong in order to protect others. For that reason, your OC may travel searching out strong opponents to 'train' with. Training sounds more civil, and respectable than 'fighting', so i would suggest using that approach as it seems more in line with your OC's character. In this way, your OC can work at becoming a great fighter for the sake of protecting something he loves- perhaps the idea of justice, or protecting those who can not protect themselves. Just saying that he likes to 'fight' however, seems more like he's a trouble-maker than a good-natured pony.

2) You say he doesnt have many friends- but you might explain why. If he defends people, they are likely to grow close to him. Perhaps he prefers to travel alone, or cannot seem to relate to other ponies well, but seeks to protect those in need. Add a tiny bit to explain why he is unable to keep many friends, and make sure it matches your character's personality.

3) "He loves adventure as well, and thirst for it all the time since he wishes nothing more then to go as many as possible. Helping others, it gives him a good feeling after he has done whatever he could to help out. "

'Adventure' is a very broad term- I think what your OC would likely seek is being in the right place, at the right time, to help other ponies/creatures in need. For this reason he wanders Equestria, letting fate guide him to where he needs to be, and trusting in the unseen hand of fate. Just saying he loves adventure is really general, and lacks the solid decision and characteristics that help define your character. You should ask yourself: 'what does my OC adventure for?' and the answer to that will tell you a lot about your OC.

4) I would change your occupation to better represent his cutie mark and calling in life. 'Wanderer' might be appropriate by itself. The only problem with it is that 'fighter' doesn't mean 'guardian', like your OC aspires to be.

5) Generally Ponie's names have something to do with their talent- and while this isn't strictly enforced as a rule, it is something that you might consider working with still. I don't get the sense of 'shadow' from your OC at all- rather he is noticeable, courageous when he needs to be, a trained combatant ('fighter, only in this sense), and he seeks to protect people. When i think of shadow, i think of sneaky, not strong, fleeting, quick, unnoticable, dark, gloomy, transparent, ethereal; and your pony really isn't any of those things. Rather, he's quite the opposite. Enigmer sounds like enigma, which basically means contradictory, riddle-like, or impossible. You could of course keep this name, but it just doesn't seem to fit your OC appropriately- it seems like you had a different pony in mind when you came up with the name; than the pony you built in this application. I would personally suggest you think about working the name around, but once again, that call is up to you.

I hope these suggestions help you expand on your OC; he's rather quite close to passing; but needs more clear definition so that his personality doesn't seem as general. In your case, i think you just need to change the wording in some places of your application, based on the advice i've posted up above.

I'm interested in seeing this pony in the RP; I have an OC pony who is a wanderer as well, though she is no fighter or guardian; perhaps they can meet in the RP at some point!

Very good job so far, just a little bit more and you will be there, keep at it!

[Manestream]

Great, your edit helps tie in some of the loose ends.

You do need to go through and check for spelling errors, I have spotted a few that need fixing; it will help your application read smoother and seem more professional.

I'll go ahead and change the title of your thread to your character's name, I like the name change much more.

Accepted.