Mic Check (ready)

[MicCheck14]

World of Equestria

Name: Mic Check

Sex: Female

Age: Young Mare

Species: Pegasi

Eye colour: Crimson red that fades to a pale pink towards pupil

Coat: Dark redish brown...sort of like a dark rust colour that she tends to keep obsessively clean since image is important to her

Mane/Tail: A spiked black and purple mohawk at night she lets it fall and it covers her right eye her tail is a choppy black that is lined in purple

Physique: She a slim and tall for a mare. As much as she tries shes very lanky and uncoordinated.

Cutie Mark: Its a Microphone with a green check mark on it that she got as a little foal. She was a small and shy little blank flank and had signed up for a talent show, per Kickstarts request. She thought she would never get her cutie mark since she was the last one in her class. She was on stage looking down at her brother. He gave a rare smile and she took a deep breath. She began to sing a song her mother sung to her as a lullaby. As she poured her heart out into the song her voice gradually got louder and louder and she found the strength in it. She put her all into it and at the end of the song her cutie mark appeared along with the roar of applause and a first place ribbon.

History:As a little foal she was so shy, barely talked and was like her brothers shadow. From an early age it was clear she had a deep rooted affection and sought comfort from her big brother. She was always humming or singing quietly to herself or to her brother when he asked. She was raised by her mother and older brother, Kickstart. They had a small little house in Cloudsdale, but frequently visited the woods outside of Ponyville to get abit of flying practice. Their mother was very supportive of her little foals and lavished them with attention while their dad was away on business dealings in Phillydelphia. Whenever her dad came home she grew more and more rebellious leading to her personality and look now. Her mother supports her creative streak but her dad...not so much. His dislike for his daughters actions and way of life was gradually accepted and her mother having another baby girl Cloud Streaker whom Mic Check affectionately calls Clouds. She loves her smart baby sister and sings her to sleep like her mum used to do for her. At the birth of a new foal she was so elated to not be the youngest and immediately made that deep connection to her new sister just like her and her brother.

She soon found the house of 5 cramped and felt a yearning need to leave...but where would she go? One day her older brother got a job Manehattan, fixing things, since he was good with his hooves. The fear of losing her brother and her need to spread her wings and explore her singing talents lead her to move with him, and Cloud Streaker followed naturally. As they all left home to live together she meet other musically inclined ponies. She is with them constantly and learns from others. She is still wild and unruly but a very desperate pupil to anyone who can just get her to pay attention and deal with her. Her brother still asks her to sing for him and she still sings lullabies to her baby sister before bed. She learns so she can one day meet her goal of being the best singer in Equestria...maybe even perform for a princess one day.

Residence: She lives in Manehattan but was born in Cloudsdale

Character summary: Shes a little of a ditz but has a kind heart. She can be overbearing with her loud voice and not really choosing her words carefully. Shes a talented singer and excels at anything that requires a beat. Including, but not limited to beatboxing and singing soft melodies and more pop inclined music. Her motivation is lead by the smiles she sees on her siblings faces as they listen to her singing and she wants to see everypony smile when they hear her music. In her free time she can be found flying above Manehattan or walking outside town...or even in town, all you have to do is follow the voice. It's hard for her to make friends as strangers make her shy again. Her faults are her recurring shyness and her loud voice which she has a tendency to not realize as it increases in octave and strength. Her ultimate fear is losing her voice or the strength in it. She a little clumsy, constantly falling but she never lets it deter her. She gets back up and sometimes doesn't hit the ground thanks to her quick reactions with her wings. Don't let the slim build in her legs fool you. They've have got some serious muscle and kick in them. She's an 'apprentice' singer of sorts, if that's what you want to call it, performing just for her love of it and constantly learning. It's all to see others enjoying it.

Likes: She loves seeing others enjoying all types of music, especially when the rare pony comes up to her and says the enjoy her music. Although such public things make her shy self return. She's very family inclined and will defend her family with everything she's got. Walking around town and hearing anything with a beat like carriages or even singing birds makes her heart soar. She enjoys sharing her fascinations with her baby sister and older brother. As odd as it also seems she loves the quiet bliss of nature. Being a Cloudsdale-born pegasi and moving to Manehattan left her yearning for the quiet of nature again.

Dislikes: She dislikes those who don't appreciate family or have a good familial bond, but she appreciates different views. She is a very loving pony if you can bare with her shyness and learn to like her loudness. She absolutly detests waking up every morning to the noise of the city but refuses to leave, as annoying as it maybe she couldnt bare to leave her sister or brother and stays because of all the friends she made.

Edited May 30, 2013 by MicCheck14

[starswirlthebearded]

Hey there! I'm star swirl your friendly neighborhood RP Helper!

Before I review this, could you do me a favour and remove all the formatting? The small text size makes it hard to read.

All you need to do is edit the post, select all text and hit the eraser looking button to the left of font!

Thanks

[MicCheck14]

I apologize! I didn't realize that the font size had changed, I hope its better now.

[starswirlthebearded]

Yes, much better! Thanks! Now on to the critique

This is a pretty decent start to a potentially interesting character, but there are some things that need editing, tweaking and changing. So please bare with me.

Now first thing on the list is actually the name. "Microne Checkaphina" That doesn't sound very pony. In fact it seems a bit odd in general even for Equestria. However! The nickname is perfect! You should just go with that! "Mic Check"

I think you mean "fades to pale pink" rather than "pales to pale pink"

Now for physical attributes, I know you want to put additional info, but try and keep it to physical descriptions. There are somethings there that are better suited for Character Summary. Like for instance being uncoordinated. Things like that don't have anything to do with physical description, but has to do with the character, and thus should be in the character summary! Nothing big, just some cut and pasting (with tweaking so it can fit)

Unsupportive parents is a bit cliche, but I don't see a problem with it. However, having another foal JUST because of that is another story. I'd tweak that since it seems a bit mean and unpony, since that means they don't care about her at all. Also it would be a third foal so it would be further odd. It is kind of implying that the father is disowning Mic, which doesn't quite work.

Now the next paragraph... I'm sorry, but that will need to be entirely revamped, changed or otherwise removed. First off... her brother cannot get a job at SAA. That is telling other characters what to do. (namely the Apple family ponies) And also, we know that it is a purely family run farm, so no outside hands other than friends of the family (mane 6). This basically removes the necessity for being in Ponyville (for the better)

My suggestion would be to think of where she would move to better suit her singing. (Like a big city where there would be singers she could learn from, like Canterlot, Fillydelphia, Baltimare, Manehattan) And go from there. If her brother is good with his hooves he can do many things in a big city where repairs would be needed.

Keep in mind that the vision of Ponyville is the extremely similar as the one in the show. There are no famous ponies there. No pony that would be able to help Mic realize her dream.

The last thing I'd suggest for her history is advancing her age and time a bit. Unless you plan on her moving and living with her brother in what ever city you choose.

For character summary, it seems a bit much for a filly. She has no official training, yet you are painting her as proficient in anything to do with singing. Learning to sing lullabys doesn't mean she can do anything else. If you want you can, again, make her older and find a mentor somewhere that can teach her those things.

I'd also delve into more things outside of music. Likes Dislikes, and integrate the job and motivation into the character summary a bit more organically. (In other words it should be part of the paragraph instead of a separate one line field) This allows for expansion that will give us more insight into your character.

If you have any questions let me know!

[MicCheck14]

Ok, i took your words into consideration and to heart and I think Mic Check is officially ready. Anything else that I should change please let me know! I would love for her to be a usable character in WoE. I enjoy constructive criticism.

[starswirlthebearded]

Great changes! Thanks for your understanding!

I don't see any serious issues anymore. Just some proofread type stuff (like you still say "filly" in the physique) But none of that is reason for me to not pass this along to Senior RPHS.

If any more changes are needed (other than those small ones which you should just quickly correct), either myself or a SRPHS will comment further!

But great work!

[RarityDash]

Looks good to me!

[SonicRainboomGirl]

Congratulations!