Wysteria Posted August 20, 2011 Report Share Posted August 20, 2011 Please critique me if needed. I'm still a little amateur when it comes to writing. The Silver MarePrologueA young blue pony galloped through the Everfree Forest at a fast pace, her head bent down, eyes shut tightly, and wet tears streaming past her. Trixie’s hat flopped into the mud as she ran along, but she took no notice. She was too ashamed to even care. Her whole reputation, her pride, her honor, and her money, all gone in less than an hour. How would she make do? She couldn’t go back to Ponyville and request for jobs, the ponies would be smug and would never let her have one. She felt so alone… no pony would ever care for her now… now that she was worthless. (Also because she was ashamed she had so boastfully acted)After a long while, Trixie gave out and fell down in a heap on the wet ground. Her chest heaved rapidly as tears flowed openly from her drooping eyes, and small wails escaped her dry lips. Finally, Trixie opened her eyes once more, her eyes still glassy. The moon was full and its soft rays gliding down, sending pools of light waving across the ground. Noticing that her body was uncomfortably sprung out on hard, cold, rock, she slowly lifted her aching body out of the dust and sat up, head low. Suddenly, the rays disappeared, a long shadow standing before her in its place. Trixie lifted her head quickly.“You’re lost, aren’t you?†questioned the shadow.Trixie wiped the tears from her face with her arm, the trails of water still clinging to her face as she choked out in a watery voice, “Yes. Could you please help me find the nearest pony town?†“We’re too far away from any ‘town’,†replied the shadow, “Trixie, I have been watching you. I know what you’ve done and how you feel. You need to let go of your hate and love those who hate you. I’m willing to teach you the power of friendship if you are willing to be my student.â€ÂTrixie’s eyes widened as a great smile played across her mouth. “P-p-power?†she stammered gleefully.“Yes, it is very strong and could overmatch any obstacle in its path.â€Â“I accept your wisdom, teacher!†The young pony proclaimed as she rose out of her sitting position and looked the shadow into its crystal eyes. “Then let’s begin.â€ÂNew!Chapter 1: AngelIt was a quiet and peaceful day in Ponyville. Twilight Sparkle rose slowly out of her cushiony bed to behold the wondrous day. The sun was gleaming down on bustling ponies, sacks of acorns, flowers, soda, and other accessories draped across their backs as they hurried to and fro. A smile escaped Twilight’s lips as she watched Pinkie Pie attempting to juggle a pile of boxes filled with cakes and pastries. She giggled a little at the antics of that silly pony. Still rubbing the crusty sleep from her eyes, Twilight brushed her mane. Every morning, the faithful student would expect Spike to fix her her usual morning meal, fried hay with oats. This morning, however, Spike was still slumbering peacefully. Twilight smiled fondly at the sweet baby dragon; she could make an exception to her daily routine. After having eaten breakfast, Twilight roamed the streets of Ponyville, glancing in the windows of shops at the delicious treats, the fantastic toys, and the vast amounts of books. Books were always Twilight’s favorite, so, naturally, she chose the bookstore to go take a peek in. As Twilight’s head was bent down studiously reading about the wonders of photosynthesis, a soft wave of air hit her face. She had become accustomed to that sweep of wind, knowing it was Fluttershy. The purple pony lifted her face pleasantly as she asked Fluttershy how her day was. Fluttershy’s eyes darted back and forth as she hurriedly whispered, “Oh, Twilight, it’s terrible! Angel has a very bad fever, and I don’t know what to do!†Seeing the anxiety on Fluttershy’s face, Twilight immediately complied to help and followed Fluttershy to her cozy cottage.“Oh, what do we do?†whispered Fluttershy anxiously as she softly paced the floor.Fluttershy and Twilight were standing in Fluttershy’s cottage, a sickly, little white bunny laying in a bed before them, thermometer in mouth, and ice pack on head.“Well…†pondered Twilight, “I know Zecora has an herb remedy for fevers; not sure if it’ll work on rabbits, but we’ll see.†Twilight gave Fluttershy a warm look as she continued, “I’ll stop by there today and pick up those herbs for you.â€Â“Oh, thank you!†Fluttershy hugged the purple pony; suddenly, she stopped. “Twilight? Um… do you think you could pick up those herbs right now? I’m afraid poor Angel is getting sicker by the second!â€ÂTwilight glanced down at the bunny, which looked with eyebrows lowered up at her. “I suppose so…†she murmed.“Here you go,†Fluttershy picked up a nearby basket with her mouth and took it to Twilight. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bronies For Life Posted August 21, 2011 Report Share Posted August 21, 2011 Hmmmmmm... A Little clarification, if you will. I dunno about anybody else (Anypony for the true MLP fanatics) but im not one for faceless entities. Was it Nightmare Moon? or Zecora? Or some benevolent being? Otherwise, I find this writing simply divine, in comparison to my own. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wysteria Posted August 21, 2011 Author Report Share Posted August 21, 2011 Ah, I see my plan has succeeded. My point was to make "the shadow" an unknown creature; I kind of tried to put you into the perspective of Trixie, who couldn't exactly identify what gender or species it was either. Edit: Oh, and thank you for that comment. It made my day. ^^ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bronies For Life Posted August 21, 2011 Report Share Posted August 21, 2011 All im here to do is help. By the way, you have quite the talent in literature, considering that 25% of all MLP stories are gore-filled 'Manifications' , 25% more are porn, 49% more are mediocre, most of the time revolving around somepony gaining alicorn powers/turning into a god/other rediculous nonsense. The 1% remaining is good writing, such as just about every bit of writing ive seen on this website.Tl;dr Its rare to find a good fanfic. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wysteria Posted August 21, 2011 Author Report Share Posted August 21, 2011 Aw, really? Thanks. My goodness! I had only a small idea of what those kind of fan-fictions are (After reading Rarity's New Dress and Cupcakes *shiver* ) I didn't know it was that bad though! It's sad that people can't rejoice for what the show is, a clean, fun, lovable show, and instead make it this dirty, gory, and sick television series. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bronies For Life Posted August 21, 2011 Report Share Posted August 21, 2011 I know. It simply disgusts me how sick minded some people can be. What drives the human mind to create a story about a Pegasus being tortured brutally by a pink pony?!? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wysteria Posted August 21, 2011 Author Report Share Posted August 21, 2011 Indeed! It's either for wanting to make a disgusting story, or for the sick pleasure of seeing the reactions people have and to scare them. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bronies For Life Posted August 21, 2011 Report Share Posted August 21, 2011 Well, it thrashes my mind that someone could pervert a smiley childrens show into... That. And then theres that one I heard about where fluyttershy snaps and violenty dismembers everypony else... WHO THE HELL MAKES THESE? In my humble opinion, they deserve a ticket onto the happy bus. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dusty Posted August 21, 2011 Report Share Posted August 21, 2011 Well, it thrashes my mind that someone could pervert a smiley childrens show into... That. And then theres that one I heard about where fluyttershy snaps and violenty dismembers everypony else... WHO THE HELL MAKES THESE? In my humble opinion, they deserve a ticket onto the happy bus.....But I'm on the happy bus. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wysteria Posted August 21, 2011 Author Report Share Posted August 21, 2011 Who has the sick mind to think up something like that? Everyone knows Fluttershy would never do that! Even when she snaps on the show, at least when she captures the animals, she isn't going to hurt anybody. She just wants to be their friend. But dismembering her pony friends? That's wretched! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bronies For Life Posted August 21, 2011 Report Share Posted August 21, 2011 I do believe that the authors of MLP slashers have a special place in hell waiting for them. If I had to take a guess, it would be an eternal rotation between the bottomless pit of burning forever and the has-a-bottom pit of burning forever with flaming spikes at the bottom. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dusty Posted August 21, 2011 Report Share Posted August 21, 2011 Who has the sick mind to think up something like that? That's wretched! I do believe that the authors of MLP slashers have a special place in hell waiting for them. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bronies For Life Posted August 21, 2011 Report Share Posted August 21, 2011 Who has the sick mind to think up something like that? That's wretched! I do believe that the authors of MLP slashers have a special place in hell waiting for them. You imply... That you write this kind of stuff? Get the hell into that bus to a nice, safe, padded room. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wysteria Posted August 21, 2011 Author Report Share Posted August 21, 2011 I think it's about time to start getting back on subject... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bronies For Life Posted August 21, 2011 Report Share Posted August 21, 2011 Why yes, I agree. This can wait for the hate thread.Either way, this is superb writing. Comparative to my writing, As seen in this characters summary, its simply eloquent. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dusty Posted August 21, 2011 Report Share Posted August 21, 2011 Yes off you two back hoofing me, I do like it. I think "faceless entities" are more scary thin ones you can see, you don't know what it is so you (well i do) make some thing even more scary thin what it was. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bronies For Life Posted August 21, 2011 Report Share Posted August 21, 2011 They say "Out of Sight, Out of Mind!". I would find it much more scary to see a giant man attack with a knife then see a shadow run by. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dusty Posted August 21, 2011 Report Share Posted August 21, 2011 giant man attack with a knife? I can just empty my revolver in to that, but i can't shot up a shadow running by. But this is why life is fun no one is the same! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bronies For Life Posted August 21, 2011 Report Share Posted August 21, 2011 Hmmmmmmmmmmmm... Oh well! I agree. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wysteria Posted August 23, 2011 Author Report Share Posted August 23, 2011 Chapter 1 is up. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bronies For Life Posted August 23, 2011 Report Share Posted August 23, 2011 Hmmmmmmmmmm... Yes, Yes. Quite. Be right back, gotta get my Wysteria shaped MAJIK CAPTHARA. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wysteria Posted August 24, 2011 Author Report Share Posted August 24, 2011 *Giggles* I'll start working on chapter 2... probably today. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wysteria Posted September 24, 2011 Author Report Share Posted September 24, 2011 Chapter 2: A frightful encounterThe scenery was most frightening as Twilight cautiously stepped her way through the Everfree Forest, a beige basket filled with green herbs clutched tightly in her teeth. Her head turned quickly as the soft shrill of an owl whistled through her keen ears. Nearly every sound made by any creature made Twilight jump out of her skin. The appearance of the Everfree Forest itself was enough to make even the bravest stallion worried for his safety. Dark shadows loomed in the trees, as thin, sharp branches hung down, stinging your face as you journeyed. A sickening odor of salt, greens, and what seemed to be dead bodies hung thick over the forest. The ground was also soft, sometimes pulling you down into the ground. “Thank Celestia,” Twilight breathed as golden sunshine streamed through the brush, a sign of home. She was about to jump over a rotting log, when without warning, a dark shadow sprung from the trees, standing boldly before Twilight. At first, she was terrified, but realizing who this strange pony was, she breathed outward with relief.“Oh, Trixie! I’m so glad it’s just you.”Trixie’s eyes lowered slowly, her cold eyes glaring deeply into Twilight’s. She shut her eyes tightly as she omitted power through her horn. The magic sprung over to the rotten log, lifting it, and throwing it into the forest. “Well, Trixie, that’s not bad at all,” Twilight said as a warm smile spread across her lips.“We have barely begun, Twilight,” Trixie hissed as she used her horn once more to lift Twilight into the air, throwing her into a tree so forcefully that the tree nearly split in two. Twilight’s head trickled hot blood, a throbbing pain pounding onto her brain. She could barely stand up, but she didn’t have time to as Trixie forced her to the ground again with her front hooves. “Now, run before I tear your body to pieces!” Trixie growled with malice through her clenched teeth.Twilight stood up, now fully able to, she took a few steps backward as she gazed with absolute horror at the nightmare Trixie had become. She nearly flew through the forest with all her might, tripping and cutting her cheeks several times before she arrived in Ponyville, finally collapsing onto the ground. “This cannot be true…” Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Conor Colton Posted November 5, 2011 Report Share Posted November 5, 2011 Wow, that was amazing, I seriously felt like I was in the Everfree Forest *shivers*The way you included all those subtle details just added to the uneasiness of this entire chapterKeep this up, it's really good By the way, is it weird that Trixie terrifies me now? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nasty Posted November 6, 2011 Report Share Posted November 6, 2011 That was quite lovely. I rather liked the second chapter. I think I might be the only writer that didn't make a fanfic :s I mean, it has to do with pones in a sense, but they're more referenced. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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