Pegasus MorningDawn ( Ready )

[MorningDawn]

Roleplay Type:World of Equestria

Name:MorningDawn

Sex: Male

Age: Young Stallion

Species:Pegasus

Eye colour: Brown

Coat colour: Light Brown

Mane/Tail/Markings colour & Style:Both mane and tail are Dark Brown with a tinge of red around the edges

Physique: Tall

Cutie Mark: Letter being blown by wind

Origin/Residence:Manehattan

Occupation: Messenger Pony

Motivation:He wishes to protect others around him. He wants to fall in love.

History: As a colt MorningDawn was drawn toward many things. He had a curiosity about the guards that work to protect the Princess, eventually he wanted to become a guard. His main plan was to join the guards, but he was curious about other jobs, too! In an attempt to get his cutie mark, he read hundreds of books on hundreds of occupations and jobs. He read a book about farming, so he gave it a try and left the plants to find them dead the next day.[colour=#ff0000] [/colour] He knew he didn't want to try that again, so he kept reading books. After 5 volumes of encyclopedias, he gave up.

Morning forgot all about learning to fly. He was so focused on trying to get his cutie mark he ignored his lessons with his father. He walked outside with his father and they started working at it. In a couple of days Morning could fly, and he could fly well. He decided that he could deliver letters for the guards. He was such a good flyer he would get the letters delivered in no time at all. When he asked his parents if he could sign up they said he could. He went to the camp expecting to enhance his skills, but the camp merely trained them to deliver letters and how to read maps and know the best routes and such.

When he graduated from the camp he earned the title "Messenger Pony MorningDawn". He was glad to finally have a job and wanted to start work right away. The day after graduation he was sent on a delivery. He did as he was told, not to look at the boxes inside. He was curious to what was in it though. When he made it to town he gave the package to the local post office. The ponies there thanked him, but when he was about to walk out of the building, they got all excited. They told him to look at his flank, he did as he was told, and what he saw he couldn't believe. He saw a letter being blown away by the wind, that means he delivered it. He did it fast, too. He looked at the cutie mark, then he left. Nothing to celebrate over. He still needs work to be done.

Character Summary: MorningDawn is an excited young stallion ready to explore the world, that is if he had permission to. He has a stubborn attitude, but can follow orders or commands. He is a curious young fellow who, at times, explores everything and anything he can. His motivation is to fall in love, so he travels from town to town meeting new mares while an on-the-job delivery. He is a Young Stallion waiting for change, and it comes at any moment. He likes to see others around him happy and safe. The one thing he hates is evil, but he will protect others for any reason. He would like to fall in love with a smart decent mare. One with black hair and who is a little bit shorter than himself. When Morning meets someone new, he greets them but tries not to talk. He doesn't want to show most of his emotions. Unless its a mare he really likes, then he tries to act smooth with ponies.

[Blueblood]

Couple of things:

1. Proper Formatting for an application includes the labels that each item answers, it really save confusion. I think this might be a technical error, maybe it was garbled in transmission.

2. If you're not finished with an app, label it a [WiP] in the subject title (you can change it by using the "Full Edit" Option.

3. I'd like to see his history and personality expanded upon! We have surprisingly few couriers here.

[flutterscotch]

Hello!

A few things before we can get your application into consideration.

1. In the title of your thread (and to change this you have to click on the kind of greyed out button that says "use full editor") it should say [WIP] so the helpstaff can be alerted that this is not quite finalized.
   
2. Your application needs to be formatted properly. See below.***
   
3. We do not refer to ponies as specific ages here, because we do not know how long ponies on the show live. So I've changed that to "colt" which implies "adolescent".
   
4. We do not allow previous relationships with cast characters, so he can not be Celestia's messenger, but he sure can, even as a young kid, be a messenger pony.
   
5. His character summary should be more thought out. This application is a guide that other users will read to really understand your character and be able to interact with him. This should include a short history of his life, as well as the story of how he got his cutie mark, how he came by his job, and WHY he wants to find his one true pony love.
   

Please add these things and I'll let a regular helpstaffer take it from there!

***

Roleplay Type:World of Equestria

Name:MorningDawn

Sex: Male

Age: Colt

Species:Pegasus

Eye Color: Brown

Coat Color: Light Brown

Mane/Tail/Markings Color & Style: Dark Brown with red a the tips/The same as the mane/:

Physique: Short

Cutie Mark:A shield with a blue dragon

Origin/Residence:Manehattan

Occupation:Messenger pony

Motivation: wishes to fall in love with another pony, a real relationship, and be a member of the Royal Guard.

Likes: Everthing that agrees with him

Dislikes: Anything that stands in his way

Character Summary:

MorningDawn is a very stubborn pony, but wishes to change and be humble:

[TemplarFrost]

Here is that revision I promised, Morning.

• [colour=#FF9900]Recommended[/colour]
  
• [colour=#FF0000]Needs to be fixed[/colour]
  
• [colour=#4A86E8]Revision[/colour]
  

[colour=#282828]Roleplay Type: [/colour][colour=#282828]World of Equestria[/colour]

[colour=#282828]Name: [/colour][colour=#282828]Morning Dawn[/colour]

[colour=#282828]Sex:[/colour][colour=#282828]Male[/colour]

[colour=#282828]Age:[/colour][colour=#282828]Colt[/colour]

[colour=#282828]Species: [/colour][colour=#282828]Pegasus[/colour]

[colour=#282828]Eye colour:[/colour][colour=#282828]Brown[/colour]

[colour=#282828]Coat colour:[/colour][colour=#282828]Light Brown[/colour]

[colour=#282828]Mane/Tail/Markings colour & Style:[/colour][colour=#282828]Both mane and tail are Dark Brown with a tinge of red a the edges[/colour]

[colour=#282828]Physique:[/colour][colour=#282828]Short[/colour]

[colour=#282828]Cutie Mark: [/colour][colour=#282828]A shield with a blue dragon.[/colour]

[colour=#FF0000]Your OC’s cutie-mark, means their skill. What they are talented at. If your OC is a messenger pony, the cutie mark should signify that. My suggestion would be a mail letter, with a wing on it. But hey, your call.[/colour]

[colour=#282828]Origin/Residence: [/colour][colour=#282828]Manehattan[/colour]

[colour=#282828]Occupation: [/colour][colour=#282828]Messenger pony[/colour]

[colour=#282828]Motivation: [/colour][colour=#282828]He wishes to fall in love.[/colour]

[colour=#282828]As a foal, Morning Dawn didn't understand many things. He lived in a big house, filled with places he could explore. But his parents did not approve. They had thought to keep him safe, they had to keep him away from things that would draw his attention away. [/colour]

[colour=#4A86E8]As a young foal. Morning Dawn longed for knowledge of the world. He lived in a big house, filled with wonderful places that he could explore. Unfortunately his strict parents did not approve. They wanted to keep him safe. Due to this, they kept him away from things, that would draw his attention away.[/colour]

[colour=#282828]So, he wasn't allowed to see other people, go to school, or even sometimes read books.[/colour]

[colour=#FF9900]That sounds just a bit harsh there. [/colour]

[colour=#282828]But, at night, he would sneak into his favorite reading place, the basement. His fear of the dark didn't stop him. He had always wanted to see what a book was like. On the first night he snuck out, he had read a History book on how Equestria had got its name, this made him think of his parents. ( Unicorn and Pegasus) Saddened, he realized he could not read. [/colour]

[colour=#FF0000]Conflicting logic. He [/colour][colour=#FF0000]read [/colour][colour=#FF0000]a history book on how Equestria had got it’s name, but then he was saddened that he could not [/colour][colour=#FF0000]read[/colour][colour=#FF0000]? [/colour]

[colour=#282828]He worked at it for many nights. When he finally finished the book, he finally had something to be proud of. [/colour]

[colour=#FF0000]Ditto, My suggestion is to get rid of the fact that he could not read in the first place.[/colour]

[colour=#282828]After that book, he read a fiction novel on two pony's who loved each other, but they couldn't they were from two kingdoms. So, in order to remain in love they both disguised themselves, and went to a ball. But before MorningDawn could finish his book. His parents burned it. [/colour]

[colour=#FF9900]Equestria 451? Again, your OC’s parents are sounding very hostile and strict for Mane RP. Remember, you must be able to see this character in the TV show itself.[/colour]

[colour=#282828]They piled rocks upon the door to the basement. Morning Dawn had vowed in his heart that he himself would fall in love. His parents were enraged by that remark so they sent him away to the guards, so he could be tough respect. [/colour]

[colour=#FF9900]Ditto[/colour]

[colour=#282828]He had no problem with that, but he didn't want to tell them that, or they would keep him. In training he was top of the list at everything he did. Princess Celestia frowned upon though. [/colour]

[colour=#FF0000]Sorry, your OC cannot have any past relations with cast characters. I recommend substituting her, with a Sergeant, or an Officer instead. [/colour]

[colour=#282828]She did not want a small foal to take risks for her. So now Morning Dawn is a messenger for her. His first job made him excited. He was suppose to deliver a message to Ponyville about some dragon. But on the way there he had tripped on a rock and his lights went out. [/colour]

[colour=#FF9900]If your OC is a Pegasus, then why would he trip on a rock?[/colour]

[colour=#282828]He woke up in Ponyville. But in the hospital.[/colour]

~~~

Judging by your app so far, you seem to have trouble with creating the “Character Summary” part of your OC’s application. Don’t worry, I do too at times, just keep in mind...

• Cutie Mark Story, what your OC’s special talent is, and what he did to get his cutie mark. If your OC is a colt, you could always leave him blank-flanked
  
• Flaws, nopony is perfect. Be sure to write about what your OC’s flaws are, and how they could overcome it.
  
• Personality, what is your OC’s personality? are they happy? or sad? Serious? or Carefree? Stuff like that
  

And

• Be sure to tone down on the severity of your OC’s parents. Again, this is the Mane RP. Be sure to be able to envision your OC in the actual show itself
  

• Read the rules, if you haven’t already. I know it’s boring, but it really helps.
  

• PM a Senior Helpstaff if you need further help. Like Phil the Time Wizard, he’s always online.
  

[Rosewind]

Any progress on this application?

[MorningDawn]

Yep

[Rosewind]

How are things coming along?

[MorningDawn]

A-OK

[Rosewind]

How is progress? Do you need any help?

[MorningDawn]

Yea, but i need this app's approval though.

[SteelEagle]

Hey there. I am taking a look at your app. It has a lot of interesting ideas, but the following issues persist:

1- "They had thought to keep him safe, they had to keep him away from things that would draw his attention away."

I'm not sure I understand this. It just seems like a non-pony train of thought devised to make his parents an overbearing presence. The following sentence continues this: "So, he wasn't allowed to see other people, go to school, or even sometimes read books." I don't see the correlation between the already troublesome thought process of the parents and how this keeps him safe. As it is, the parents are so insane that it makes the entire backstory fall apart.

Suggestion: You can keep his parents as being overprotective by having them constantly watching what he does to make sure they approve. This achieves much of the same effect while not making the parents seem so...unpony.

2- "But, at night, he would sneak into his favorite reading place, the basement. His fear of the dark didnt stop him." It doesn't seem like he is afraid of the dark then. Just remove that fear that goes nowhere.

3- "He had always wanted to see what a book was like. On the first night he snuck out, he had read a History book on how Equesetria had got its name, this made him think of his parents. (Unicorn and Pegasus) Saddened he realized he could not read. He worked at it for many nights. When he finally finished the book, he finally had something to be pround of."

This goes back to #1, but it doesn't make much sense that he couldn't read because his parents didn't want him to? It is just so unbelievable that it shatters all that it touches.

Suggestion: After taking #1, and if you still wanted the illiteracy angle, try this- "He snuck off to his secret reading place with a history book, something his parents had for so long denied him. However, he had serious trouble understanding it as the vocabulary was far above his level, since his parents had only allowed him to read foalish literature. He resolved to fix this and after many nights of intensive studying, he was able to understand that which before blocked his progress. He finally had something to feel proud of."

4- "But before MorningDawn could finish his book. His parents burned it. They piled rocks upon the door to the basement. MorningDawn had vowed in his heart that he himself would fall in love. His parents were enraged by that remark so they sent him away to the guards, so he could be tought respect."

There are a few issues here. First we have the characterization of the parents, who are so overwhelmingly overbearing that they become the stuff of fairy tales. Second, even if one accepts they want to keep him safe by keeping him from everything, why would they be enraged by him saying he wants to find love? It just doesn't make sense. Third, here at the forum, the Guard is a military force with established backstory and I don't believe you can send foals to it. Older colts may join IIRC, but it has conditions.

Suggestion: "His parents were shocked to find out that he was reading a book with such lewd conduct and sold it, telling him that he wasn't prepared for such 'adult' material. Morning Dawn told himself that the emotions and love he felt in the book's characters were something that he would one day have, and as time wore on and he grew old enough, he took the first available option- joining the REA. With his parent's permission, he was able to join."

5- "He had no problem with that, but he didnt want to tell them that, or they would keep him. In training he was top of the list at everything he did. Princess Celestia frowned upon though. She did not want a small foal to take risks for her. So now MorningDawn is a messenger for her. His first job made him excited. He was suppose to deliver a message to PonyVille about some dragon. But on the way there he had tripped on a rock and his lights went out. He woke up in PonyVille. But in the hospital."

A few problems. The first just ties into how the parents are characterized. If you take my previous suggestions then obviously this will change, but throughout his backstory the parents seem to exist purely to try and crush him at every turn for almost no reason. Secondly, how is a pony who is barely literate and has no established skills or physical ability score so highly when in board canon the REA has a lot of ponies who have spent the majority of their young lives training score lower? It doesn't make any sense. Third, Princess Celestia is played by a player here and therefore you need the player's permission if you want her involved in any way, whether that is her thoughts on him or her position. Also, Morning is a Pegasus, so why doesn't he just fly instead of trip over a rock? We also discourage new characters from living in Ponyville.

Suggestion: Taking my previous suggestions and rolling out with the following as well, "Morning Dawn tried his hardest during training, but consistently scored low. However, as a pegasus, the REA still found use for him as a messenger. Since he is rather young and inexperienced, he has been tasked with the second easiest route the REA has established- the Manehattan-Ponyville route."

This is just the start. We need a cutie mark story that explains how he got the cutie mark, which needs to be reflective of himself. But once we square this away, the rest will be simple.

[aFlatmajor]

I came across this app prepared to review it only to find it littered with suggestions, tips, and other things if that nature. So it looks like you have some work to do. Take the already given advice into consideration.

Although, if you wish for this character to remain unchanged (though you WILL need an actuall cutie mark story and possibly an edited character history/summary), I would advise putting him in Crossovers.

If you couldn't see your character in an actual episode of FiM, he won't be allowed in WoE RP.

Also, my word isn't law since I'm not a Mod or RP Staff or what ever, so you could kinda just ignore me if you'd like. But it would be appreciated if you took my words into consideration as well.

Good luck trying to get this character in World of Equestria!

[Rosewind]

Any progress on the changes we asked for? Thanks!

[MorningDawn]

Not yet no approval, but i still rp.

[SteelEagle]

We can't approve until you make the changes.

[Rosewind]

Any progress on the changes we asked for? If you're not sure how this system works, or you need help, please let us know in this thread so we may assist you!

[Rosewind]

Please respond within five days or this application will be removed. Thanks!

[MorningDawn]

Yikes! Fear runs deep, but blood runs deeper....

[Rosewind]

Any progress?

[MorningDawn]

I did your edits.......That you wanted me to do

[SteelEagle]

You took away some things, but didn't replace it with anything. You need to work on his history, not just delete it.

[flutterscotch]

Hiya Morning Dawn! Once you make the changes that SteelEagle has asked you to, please let us know that this ready to be reviewed again.

[flutterscotch]

Hello Morning Dawn, and you made progress on this application? Can you please comment to let us know you are still interested in finishing it? If not, we may have to lock it in 5 days.

[MorningDawn]

I made some edits.....I really want to finish it

[flutterscotch]

Hello Morning Dawn,

So, I am going to dedicate some some to helping you get this app up and running, but it might take a just a little while longer.

First thing we have to do is tackle what you have in your summary currently. So I am going to ask you a bunch of questions, because I really want to know how who your character is a little more.

One major thing is that I would like to see this part be in "history", and broken up into a few separate paragraphs. This is all good info, and I like the mystery of the message about the packages, a lot. It shows a lot about him that he is unflinchingly disciplined and does his job without question, but at the same time has a potential flaw of not being curious or skeptical enough. I sure hope those packages are legitimate mail!

[colour=#282828]

As a foal MorningDawn was drawn toward many things. He had a curiosity about the guards that work to protect the Princess, eventually he wanted to become a guard. He tried multiple times to convince his

[/colour][colour=#282828]

parents, but they simply did not approve. In anger he ran away to a place that his parents would probably not find him, his basement. He spent hours sitting in the basement thinking about how he would get to the guards. MorningDawn found a bookcase in the basement, hopefully he could find his answers there. He read hours on a book that really had nothing to do with the subject on matter. He was intrigued by the book so he kept reading on. When he finished, he walked out of his basement and apologized to his parents. They were sorry as well and accepted his apology. His parents granted him the right to go into the guards, but MorningDawn was to serve only by delivering letters. He was excited and went to bed early that night. He woke up in the morning to find his parents downstairs eating in the kitchen. They told him that he was going to be trained by a Sargent that works to protect Princess Celestia. The first couple of days it was rough and he took some emotional damage, but whenever he pulled out the book his parents told him to keep he was cheered up. On the boot camp he was trained to fly, he was trained to be the best. He wasn't forced to by the leaders, but he wanted to be the best. When he graduated from the camp he earned the title " Private Messenger Pony MorningDawn". He was glad to finally have a job and wanted to start work right away. The day after graduation he was sent on a delivery mission. He did as he was told, not to look at the boxes inside. He was curious to what was in it though. He made it to the town he was delivering to and dropped the box off, but before he did that he looked at the note on the box. It was for him and it said : Stick around town, you will be needing to get more packages. The note was anonymous and he had no clue who wrote it, but orders are orders. Currently he sits outside wondering who's packages he would have to deliver.

[/colour]

So we know a lot about the time he convinced his parents to let him start the career path to become a guard. Good! We know about his schooling, also good!

But we don't know anything about his early childhood other than that he was drawn to many things and wanted to be a guard. And you left out one of the most important parts of any pony's life...getting their cutie mark, and how their cutie mark relates to their special talent. How does his mining symbol cutie mark relate to his special talents? I can see from your avatar that you mean a chisel and hammer is his cutie mark, but my first thought because I didn't realize that your avatar was your character (and yes you can laugh at me for this) that you meant the same symbol that the Pittsburgh Steelers have on their helmets! So can you please describe this better, as well as telling us how he got it and how it makes him special or what it made Morning Dawn realize about himself?

Ok, if you get that far, that should do it for history.

So if all that ^^ is his history, but now we need a character summary of what he's like. We DO know that he's driven, and wants to be a guard, and has discipline from his history. We also know that he might have a flaw that makes him a more rounded character. But we need to know who he is. What does he like? What does he do when he is not waiting to deliver mysterious packages or doing his job admirably? Why is falling in love his primary motivation?

Basically, what the purpose of this section of the application is that other people can go to it, read it and decide "Hey, my character would get along well with this pony!" or "oh man, my character and this pony will be oil and water!" so that they know how to properly react during RP.

So if you can step back and try to see the application from my perspective where I don't know so much about your character and have all these questions, and fill in those gaps in my knowledge so I have a clearer understanding of who Morning Dawn is, we'll be closer to approval.

If you can do that and then wait until Saturday morning for my feedback (around 10 AM - 1 PM EST), I can sit down in chat with you and go over your application in real time to help you improve it if you'd like.