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MorningDawn

By MorningDawn
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MorningDawn

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Thanks and i now realize your perspective, i know what i want to say, but not how to put it into words. But thanks to you you are helping me get a good understanding of how i should make this go down and write this app. Once again, Thank you

P.s I'll get started right now!

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MorningDawn
MorningDawn

Thanks and i now realize your perspective, i know what i want to say, but not how to put it into words. But thanks to you you are helping me get a good understanding of how i should make this go down

flutterscotch Equestrian

flutterscotch

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Ok!

So I copied your application as it stands right now and made some comments and questions in red, and then added an overall analysis below that.

Roleplay Type:World of Equestria

Name:MorningDawn

Sex: Male

Age: Young Stallion

Species:Pegasus

Eye colour: Brown

Coat colour: Light Brown

Mane/Tail/Markings colour & Style:Both mane and tail are Dark Brown with a tinge of red around the edges

Physique: Short

[colour=#ff0000]So far, so good![/colour]

Cutie Mark: Mining Symbol

[colour=#ff0000]Please elaborate this. As I said before, I see a crossed hammers in your profile pic, but there are a lot of different mining symbols.[/colour]

Origin/Residence:Manehattan

Occupation:Messenger pony/ Coal Miner [colour=#ff0000]It sounds like, according to his history, that would only be interested in being GOLD miner. I think it is safe to say just a messenger pony at this point.[/colour]

Motivation:He wishes to fall in love [colour=#ff0000]Why is this his main motivation? What will he do when he achieves this motivation? Surely he has other goals in live than just falling in love. Does he want to be a great miner?[/colour]

History:[colour=#ff0000](<--You need to add this field to your application)[/colour] As a colt MorningDawn was drawn toward many things. He had a curiosity about the guards that work to protect the Princess, eventually he wanted to become a guard. His main plan was to join the guards, but he was curious about other jobs, too! In an attempt to get his cutie mark, he read hundreds of books on hundreds of occupations and jobs. He read a book about farming, so he gave it a try and left the plants to find them dead the next day. [colour=#ff0000]Those poor plants! :) [/colour] He knew he didn't want to try that again, so he kept reading books. After 5 volumes of encyclopedias, he gave up. He tossed a book to the ground finding a page spilling its contents to him. As usual he was curious, so he read about the page. It had to do with mining, minerals, and what kept Morning's wealthy family's fireplace going, coal! He wasn't really interested in that black rock, so he kept reading on about what kinds of materials you might find while mining. The materials all had scientific names that Morning had to read over 5 or 6 times before he got the word. He kept reading on and found the one material that his family actually was very fond of, gold!

[colour=#FF0000]Make this a new paragraph. [/colour]He read more and more about the caves, how the cave systems might have water ways, or tunnels. He even read that creatures live in those caves! Finally, Morning couldn't take it! He ran outside with a lantern in his pouch and ran over to the ground. He started hacking at it, more and more, twice the power. It was his first time so he tired out quickly and found the idea was now silly. You can't find dark, deep, adventurous, thrilling caves just by hacking at the ground! That is just silly, so Morning stopped and walked into the house. He found a map his Great Grandfather kept during his prospecting ages, but now he sits in a chair and sleeps all day. He read the map over and found a small cave system nearby. He talked with his parents about it and they agreed. As long as Morning had gear.

[colour=#FF0000]Make this a new paragraph. [/colour]In the morning he ran over to the small cave and walked into the darkness. Eventually he lit his lantern and found some of those materials in that book, the scientific kinds. He gave a try at it and got the hang of it. Soon he was carrying full pouches of various rocks and materials. He lugged himself to home and took off the pouches. His Great Grandfather came and yelled in excitement, but then he said something, " Look! MorningDawn! You got your cutie mark!" Morning looked at his flank and Ta Da! His cutie mark appeared! [colour=#ff0000](so this is his special talent, but how does this help him in the Royal Guard?)[/colour]

[colour=#FF0000]Make this a new paragraph. [/colour]He loved the fact that he could mine now, but his parents don't let him go often. Then he turned to his idea of becoming a guard. He tried multiple times to convince his parents, but they simply did not approve. In anger he ran away to a place that his parents would probably not find him, his basement. He spent hours sitting in the basement thinking about how he would get to the guards.

[colour=#FF0000]Make this a new paragraph. He[/colour] found a bookcase in the basement, hopefully he could find his answers there. He read hours on a book that really had nothing to do with the subject on matter. He was intrigued by the book so he kept reading on. When he finished, he walked out of his basement and apologized to his parents. They were sorry as well and accepted his apology. [colour=#ff0000](What answers did he find, or what made him decide to apologize to his parents?)[/colour] His parents granted him the right to go into the guards, but MorningDawn was to serve only by delivering letters. He was excited and went to bed early that night. He woke up in the morning to find his parents downstairs eating in the kitchen. They told him that he was going to be trained by a Sargent that works to protect Princess Celestia.

[colour=#FF0000]Make this a new paragraph. [/colour]The first couple of days it was rough and he took some emotional damage, but whenever he pulled out the book his parents told him to keep, he was cheered up. On the boot camp he was trained to fly, he was trained to be the best. He wasn't forced to by the leaders, but he wanted to be the best. When he graduated from the camp he earned the title " Private Messenger Pony MorningDawn". He was glad to finally have a job and wanted to start work right away. The day after graduation he was sent on a delivery mission. He did as he was told, not to look at the boxes inside. He was curious to what was in it though. He made it to the town he was delivering to and dropped the box off, but before he did that he looked at the note on the box. It was for him and it said : Stick around town, you will be needing to get more packages. The note was anonymous and he had no clue who wrote it, but orders are orders. Currently he sits outside wondering who's packages he would have to deliver.

[colour=#FF0000]Make this a new paragraph. [/colour]He pulls out the book his parents gave him. [colour=#ff0000](When did his parents give this book to him? Was it a graduation present? Was it a hint from his parents that they wanted grandfoals? :D) [/colour]He reads it and already knows the ending. The stallion and the mare kiss, they get married, they get a nice house, they have kids, they are friends with everypony and they die a happy life. He too, wants to fall in love. It seems skeptical for a young colt to fall in love, but its his choice now is it. [colour=#ff0000](I do not think he is a young colt anymore, so can you change this, please? it doesn't seem too out of line that a young stallion would want to find true love.)[/colour]

Character Summary: MorningDawn is a young excited young stallion ready to explore the world, that is if he had permission to. He has a stubborn attitude, but can follow orders or commands. He is a curious young fellow who, at times, explores everything and anything he can. His motivation is to fall in love, so he travels from town to town meeting new mares. [colour=#ff0000](Does he do this while he is delivering packages for the royal guard?)[/colour] He is a Young Stallion waiting for change, and it comes at any moment. [colour=#ff0000]Can you tell us a little more about him here? Please tell us more about what he likes and doesn't like. At this point we do not even know what kind of Mare he could fall in love WITH. [/colour]

[colour=#ff0000]He seems very easily willing to believe whatever he reads in books. Will that cause him trouble later in life?[/colour]

[colour=#FF0000]Does he have any hobbies or quirks?[/colour]

I think the issues you are having with this application is that you might be trying to do too much with one character for your very first character. If you want a miner pony, you should just stick with that, and make another character who is a messenger later on. If you want a guard/messenger pony, you should go that route and change the cutie mark and corresponding story. I think that will help with his twisted history a little bit, because If I knew your pony in real life I would keep asking him why, if his special talent is mining, is he in the Royal Guard.

Whichever you choose, either of them can want to fall in love, but I really don't think that should be a primary motivation. Almost everyone wants to find someone to love, and they don't need to read from a book to feel that.
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SteelEagle Alicorn

SteelEagle

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Sorry for the delays- major problems on this end. Your app is very much approved, but you need to remove references to some sort of 10th rank and being trained to join the Royal Guards. That can be a goal and you could attain it, but the how is up in the air and not accepted lore. Once you do that and tell us, I will send this up for fin al approval.

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Rosewind Alicorn

Rosewind

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This application is close, but it needs some tweaking.

Formatting. Please unbold your application, and bold the field topics only. This will make your application easier for others to read. Example:

Name: Morning Dawn

Character Summary: Prancing ponies picked a peck of pickled peppers.

The only real big problem I see is that this character doesn't make a lot of sense. He gets a mining cutie mark, then abandons mining to become a messenger? He should involve himself with his special talent in some way instead of saying "I got my cutie mark now, on to something else!" If he is a messenger, you might want his cutie mark to be something to do with that since that's what he seems to be move on to after trying out mining. It's plausible he could be a messenger for the Royal Guards, and could be involved with them in that way. That actually might be kind of neat, since we don't really have characters that explore that aspect of the REA. He could have all of his letters delivered by dawn, which would make a good connection to his name. These are purely suggestions about character design; you are free to design this character how you'd like, but it must make sense so other players can understand more about your character when they read your application.

Outside of all that, try to include a little about Morning Dawn's personality. What would he be like to meet? Does he have any hobbies or things he likes to do? Quirks of some kind, like maybe he gets hiccups when around other mares, or he hates the colour yellow? Little things like that breathe life into a character, and will give you more opportunities for fun situations in the roleplay.

If you need any additional suggestions or help, feel free to ask. You're almost there!

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Rosewind Alicorn

Rosewind

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On the edits, but now my idea for MorningDawn is completely being distorted. I will do them anyways...

I encourage you to not think of this as "distorting" your character, but giving him focus so that he will make sense to other players in the game. A lot of my suggestions were just that: suggestions to bring focus to your character. You could easily keep him as a miner, or a mining messenger. What I ultimately need is more consistency of what kind of character you are presenting to us, and some information about your character's personality. When that information is clarified and provided, this application will be ready for a stamp.

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