Earth Pony PepperJack [ready]

[LordGecy]

here's a small edit... I have internet tonight but not my flash drive... and It won't let me edit the app on my phone...

[Rosewind]

Hi! Do you wish to keep this application open?

[LordGecy]

Yes please! I'm sorry between work and everything else I'm lacking in comp time... I'll finish by the end of the week!

[LordGecy]

okay... I don't really know what else to put thats not just her being tied into random stories she's been in... so I guess the things that are left are the magic guild (How does one enter?) and Proofing...

[Bellosh]

As a RPer in the Magic Guild RP, I can say that you don't need to mention it in your app. Once PepperJack's approved by the RP Helpers for use in WoE, you can simply sign her up in the Guild's OOC thread and leave it at that.

[LordGecy]

okay cool! She'll be there soon! XD

[starswirlthebearded]

Hey there LordGecy! It appears that you are done, so let's get right to it!

First off it looks like you've gotten plenty of solid advice for this app, and have used a lot of it! Which is fantastic! I'm going to break up my review into two sections. The first is content, the second is nitpicky stuff.

So let's begin with the cutie mark story! I must agree with Tales in regards to where she found the seed! A filly heading into the Everfree Forest won't fair well. The CMC would have been doomed had it not been for Fluttershy! Spike got attacked by Timberwolves and was subsequently saved by AJ. Twilight, the most powerful unicorn mare in Equestria even fell prey to the monsters that lurk within! However you do have two very realistic possibilities for wilderness that could work for the acquisition of the seed! If you want it found around Ponyville, the Whitetail Woods are right on the opposite side of Ponyville from the Everfree Forest! Those woods are far more kind than the Everfree Forest! The other option is finding it in the woods around Stalliongrad! Hopefully one of those two will suit your needs.

Next in the cutie mark story is the result of the potion! I know it was originally an alicorn potion, which was very bad. Now it is an invisibility potion, which is still not exactly WoE acceptable. Invisibility is one of those abilities that can easily be abused in game. On top of that, from what we have seen, alchemic potions tend to be medicinal, rather than magical. My best advice is to make it vague, noting that it is a medicinal potion. Potions can not replicate magic in any way, as that takes away from the uniqueness of unicorns.

I would make a mention of using a book or something as general guide though. Mainly because I don't think it would be so easy to just throw a bunch of random rare ingredients and get an effective potion. Either a general guide to potion making and ingredients or something of the like. Potion making, to my knowledge, is pretty exact science. A certain concoction can make a great potion, while others can create a potent poison. Every time Apple Bloom has brewed a potion, for instance, it turned out to be some kind of poison to ponyfolk! Having a guide as a knowledge base can only help validate the story!

Other than those three things, I quite like the cutie mark story! It is detailed, and shows her love for cultivation of materials and potion brewing. Two very important parts of this character.

Now onto history! Alright, so... You have a lot of detail in your history, which is good and bad! But before I get to that, I first have a suggestion! Being home-schooled is fine, being extremely shy and introverted, I would rethink that. Remember this is a slice of life RP dependent on interpony relations! So I'd tone that down and perhaps go into friends that she may have had in Stalliongrad as well as Ponyville! Let us know how your pony interacts with everyone!

The story about getting Nuggets is great and really detailed. However, it completely dwarfs everything else! I felt like I was reading the adventures of Pepperjack and Nuggets, rather than Pepperjack's history. About 3/5 of the overall history is about her and Nuggets. Try to shift the focus more on your character rather than the pet companion. I know pet companions can be an important part of the history, as it can show companionship that will last a lifetime, but it shouldn't be held in as high regard to the interactions between himself and other ponies. I do understand that Nuggets played a major role in the acquisition of PJ's cutie mark, but that still doesn't warrant that much of an extreme focus. My advice? Tone that story down a bit, like the discussions with the farmer. You can sum that up in a couple of lines. The same can be said of the naming process.

And then go into detail about Pepperjack! What did she do for fun? What was her times like at her mother's and her father's? You only go into that briefly for that one story. What about the other times? Did she do anything different between the two places? How was it like at her father's? How did she find Stalliongrad compared to Ponyville? Did she like it more, less (barring of course the lack of pet). How did she kindle her love for alchemy? (That is a big one, as it is a major part of your character's development). Did her father make her study while she was there because she was home schooled?

We want to know more about your character, and where she came from!

I'm also confused at "She finished her work before anypony else." Mainly because... what other ponies? None are mentioned in your app!

You can also totally expand on her years in College and post college!

Next the character summary! This is probably the strongest part of your app! It gives me a good sense of who Pepperjack is!

There is a bit of continuity conflict though! (Actually for the better) You say she believes she can be "part of da crew." But earlier you said she was shy and introverted! That is quite the opposite, which is good! Go with that! It will make interacting with other ponies in RP much easier! Focus on things like that rather than introversion! Believing that she can be "part of da crew" implies that she wants to be included with other ponies!

And the bits about wanting to allow ponies to fly (that can't) or do magic (when they aren't a unicorn) will have to be removed! This is for the same reason as earlier! Potions are more medicinal, they are not magic elixirs that can perform anything, as that removes the uniqueness of the other races!

Now for the final thing... the nitpicking! Please fix your formatting a bit. I know when you really get into writing you forget things like paragraphs and proper punctuation. So all I am really asking is to separate the different sections of your story into paragraphs and fix any grammatical and capitalization errors, which are littered throughout the app! There are quite a few run-on sentences especially, which makes certain trains of though seem to trail off. Easiest thing to do is read through your app, and when you feel like a thought is done, replace the comma with a period and start a new sentence!

I know that seems like a lot, but you really do have an interesting character here LordGecy! However there is some work to be done on the app itself! I know you've been working on this app for a while, so I'm going to help you as much as I can to get you into Mane RP as soon as possible!

If you have any questions about anything I said, please feel free to let me know

[tacobob]

Wow. Can't believe I missed this one. Pepperjack, best pony of the 'Three Fillies' and probably the one who will need the most therapy later on in life.

[LordGecy]

Couple Q's

1. What can I actually do as a potion? Cuz unless she magically gains then cures pony aides she can't really "Discover" anything... also, Pepper has memorized most of the alchemic books which I'll mention in this update. Also using a guide hinders the "Discovery" Process... huh... I figured there would be more questions... ah well... There's a portion of what ya said... I still gotta Fix Punctuation... but I'm runnin outta comp time...

Wow. Can't believe I missed this one. Pepperjack, best pony of the 'Three Fillies' and probably the one who will need the most therapy later on in life.

Yay! Pepper's happy to have a fan! and yeah... know any good therapists? Maybe Dr. Filly? XD

[tacobob]

Couple Q's

Yay! Pepper's happy to have a fan! and yeah... know any good therapists? Maybe Dr. Filly? XD

There actually are a few OCs out there who are psychologists..Believe it or not..And if worse comes to worse, Pepperjack can visit Ponyville and meet with a Twilight Sparkle. She's not a registered doctor or anything, but she can tie her hair into a bun, she has a pair of glasses (missing the lens) and she knows the whole 'talk to the pony on a couch' bit.

[starswirlthebearded]

Couple Q's

1. What can I actually do as a potion? Cuz unless she magically gains then cures pony aides she can't really "Discover" anything... also, Pepper has memorized most of the alchemic books which I'll mention in this update. Also using a guide hinders the "Discovery" Process... huh... I figured there would be more questions... ah well... There's a portion of what ya said... I still gotta Fix Punctuation... but I'm runnin outta comp time...

Hey there LordGecy!

A few questions? I see only one!

But to answer it... Here is how Manestream put it "not be overpowered." Which is a perfect summation in three words.

To expand upon that a bit, let us look at what potions we have seen in the show... The first ever was the Poison Joke Cure. All it did was cure poison joke afflictions! Then we had the Hearts and Hooves day love potion, which was a poison. (We can assume powerful brews have nasty consequences) The tooth fixing brew, which fixed tooth. And in fact just about every single brew listed in the episode "Cutie Pox" was medicinal in nature, fixing backs, bones, hair, or general good health. The brew that was used in the episode brought out the person's potential for what they desired. However, that is clearly a dangerous potion, since it created an ailment when taken for a desire that was not possible (cutie mark acquisition)! But that potion's original goal was therapeutic in nature initially, being used to bring out a rooster's morning call! Potions are not magic do anything brews. They have a limit!

As for your other concern that you brought up, that bit of clarification is exactly what I wanted! I said guide as a general term so that she would know what she was doing. I think of potion brewing in very much the same way as I think of mixing chemistry solutions. It is rather easy to get a negative reaction by throwing in random solutions, and nearly impossible to get something beneficial from that. Unless you know what is going in, and how they react, and possible, theoretical outcomes, potion brewing can only result in disaster. So long as you make it clear that your OC knew what she was doing during experimentation (or discovery as you call it) that would avoid creating a poison, that is all I ask for the Cutie Mark story in regards to your concern about using a guide!

And take your time on doing the small proofreading and format fixing. Just let us know when you're done by replying here!

If you have any other questions and concerns. Let me know!

[LordGecy]

few edits! and Would a temporary colour change work? Thats not over powered is it? Wears off with water? I wrote it in so lemme know good bad or other? Also, I debated on negative colours or just random... Oh! and I'll do the punctuation Later Tonight!

[starswirlthebearded]

Pony physiology doesn't really work that way. If the potion worked more like a dye (topical), it would work though! You can even swing it that she has a particular proclivity to making interesting dyes, along with potions for medicinal purposes! Again, you don't always need to be absolutely specific! Sometimes less is more.

I still say you can add a bit to teen and adult history. The history still seems hyper focused on the pet rather than the pony. Let us get to know your character by creating a rich history for her!

Hope that helps

[SonicRainboomGirl]

I can't wait to see this app approved, hopefully soon!

[starswirlthebearded]

How's this app coming along?

[LordGecy]

Sorry guys/gals I lost internet for awhile there! Ill get right back on this! Also do you have any "altering" potion ideas? Cuz I wouldn't want her to make hair dye or anything... That's just... Blah... No offense!

[Rosewind]

Hi there! I think the real issue is that there really is no particular reason to alter your character's physiology to be anything outside of the norm for the kind of roleplay you're seeking to place this character in. Please consider that your character should reflect one we would see for real, straight out of the cartoon, and you will have an idea of what we are looking for in regards to World of Equestria designed characters.

Alternatively, you may make this application Crossovers, and you may design and play this character however you want, with no changes at all. Please consider the roleplay that will suit your play style, character, and game needs. If you have any questions about our roleplay types, why we are asking for changes, or need clarification on anything, feel free to ask right here!

[LordGecy]

Sorry about all the hiccups with pepperjack... I feel she would fit into world of equestria, I've just had to remold her from what she originally was... Which has been hard because she had such a solid base (1000+ full pages of a story) so watering her down has been taxing... I don't mean to just make excuses but I've racked my brain on a few of the issues and haven't come to any sort of conclusion (mostly the potion, and her teen and adult history only applied if she needed to be a specific age which in world of equestria probably wouldn't fly... So I would like her to be a college student so how can i specify that? Or is there an alternate route to apping a character as WoE and other?) Sorry for the big post... And you guys have been a great help! I feel bad you having to put up with this but it'll all be over soon! (i hope...)

[QuickLime]

Sorry about all the hiccups with pepperjack... I feel she would fit into world of equestria, I've just had to remold her from what she originally was... Which has been hard because she had such a solid base (1000+ full pages of a story) so watering her down has been taxing... I don't mean to just make excuses but I've racked my brain on a few of the issues and haven't come to any sort of conclusion (mostly the potion, and her teen and adult history only applied if she needed to be a specific age which in world of equestria probably wouldn't fly... So I would like her to be a college student so how can i specify that? Or is there an alternate route to apping a character as WoE and other?) Sorry for the big post... And you guys have been a great help! I feel bad you having to put up with this but it'll all be over soon! (i hope...)

You really shouldn't think of it as "Watering down " or "Dilluding" The staff isn't trying to destroy your vision, however they are simply trying to help you work with her so that she can play in our game, I am sure there is a way to keep the core traits that you want, and make it WOE stampable I had to do something very similar to Decible Disc but at the end I dont feel like I had to water him down.

[starswirlthebearded]

Sorry about all the hiccups with pepperjack... I feel she would fit into world of equestria, I've just had to remold her from what she originally was... Which has been hard because she had such a solid base (1000+ full pages of a story) so watering her down has been taxing... I don't mean to just make excuses but I've racked my brain on a few of the issues and haven't come to any sort of conclusion (mostly the potion, and her teen and adult history only applied if she needed to be a specific age which in world of equestria probably wouldn't fly... So I would like her to be a college student so how can i specify that? Or is there an alternate route to apping a character as WoE and other?) Sorry for the big post... And you guys have been a great help! I feel bad you having to put up with this but it'll all be over soon! (i hope...)

I know it is hard to take a story which is your brain child, extract a character and place it into a strict environment with rules that your story didn't have. However we are here to help you do that! And by the way, that is what we are doing, extracting the essence of the character to be a roleplay character! It isn't diluting so much as condensing all that information that made your character unique and yours and getting it to work in WoE. Sometimes that can be hard especially for a particularly long story.

So to start with your concerns. First... The potions... Try to think of potions like this... They are extensions of OUR world's medicine, with a bit of kick! They can't do the impossible like alter the physiology of a pony, but they can help ponies in a multitude of ways! Perhaps the flower was a key ingredient to a cure for a disease someone she knew had! Since it is rare, it can be an entirely new medicinal potion that others haven't done yet, or perhaps they completed a potion that another pony couldn't complete because that flower was needed and they didn't know or couldn't find it. There is no reason to change pony physiology, but there is reason to help other ponies with useful potions!

As for your second concern, specify in her occupation that she is a College student. And write in the history what she is doing there, friends and whatnot. Not every character needs be an adult or out of college! All you really need to do with history is give us an idea of where your character came from and what made them into the pony they are today! Try to keep the focus on Pepperjack and allow us a window into her life and experiences. (which it already looks like you are doing to be honest.) I still think you could go into the differences between the father's place and mother's place though

Don't feel bad about asking questions, this app has been a long work in progress and we all want to see you succeed. So long as you are willing to work with us, I'm sure we can make it happen!

[LordGecy]

Sorry its taken so long for such a small update... I made the potion an anastezia... (I honestly have no clue how to spell that... It's what they give you before surgery! But mine doesn't have the sleep effect... Which is kinda creepy in retrospect... Anyways) I've been sick and computerless for the past week... And on my phone it won't let me edit it cuz its so huge... And I didn't mean it how it sounded in my last post pepperjack was in a "complete baby stage" because of that story so I've had to try and pull her essence which was not... Well... Existent... So I apologize about my previous post... She has came a long way and I truly thank you guys for helping me with her!

[starswirlthebearded]

No worries. And anesthesia (that's how it is spelled btw) doesn't have to cause sleep at all! That is general anesthesia, which causes reversible loss of consciousness. All other forms are methods of pain blocking! So I have no problems with that!

[LordGecy]

Okay cool! and thanks for the spelling... That word always bugged me cuz i never knew how to spell it! Anyways other than a bit more explanation into her father and mother time... I hate to ask... but is it needed? Cuz I'm not really sure what goes on in stalliongrad... Other then cold... If I need it I can try and come up with something though?

[starswirlthebearded]

Okay cool! and thanks for the spelling... That word always bugged me cuz i never knew how to spell it! Anyways other than a bit more explanation into her father and mother time... I hate to ask... but is it needed? Cuz I'm not really sure what goes on in stalliongrad... Other then cold... If I need it I can try and come up with something though?

You fixed the major issue, so I'll send it up for final review and see what the SRPHS say. It would only help though.

And it's less about what goes on in Stalliongrad rather than what pepperjack did there for fun/to pass time. Did it differ other than the lack of the pet?

Good work otherwise though.

I would suggest one thing though... The story of the pet... Separate it into paragraphs, right now it just looks like a wall of text which isn't nice to read.

[Rosewind]

Hi! I understand this has been a long and frustrating process. My theory is that your use of the old application form -- based with your unique character detail -- has caused creative dissonance. I've found use of the new application form has better success for character approval because it removes a lot of fluff, streamlines a lot of questions, and makes the character design process easier. I'm not saying you need to adapt a completely new form this late in the game, but I suggest you give it a look to see how you might improve this application.

Let's begin. I've highlighted troubled areas in red that need changes, clarification, or removal.

To start, I see a lot of information that could use trimming. Use of spoiler tags and inclusion of images hasn't really complimented this application design, and instead it's made it messy and long. Details are good, but they must be the right kind of details that compliment your character design. We want to know more about her, not her entire life history.

Cutie mark: Pepperjack always loved gardening. One day, while she was "wandering" in the Whitetail Woods, she found a mysterious seed. She brought it home and then planted it in her clubhouse, right next to the window that she loved to gaze out of, so that her new plant can "have a good view when it grows." She took care of it day after day, but no matter what she did, it wouldn't sprout. After many tireless months of seeing absolutely no progress, she thought that maybe she should give up, but she was always reminded of her mother telling her to "never give up." So, she strove to keep her little seed watered. One day, Pepper had, had a long hard day, and she had forgotten to water it. However, instead of leaving it till morning, she decided to go to her clubhouse and water it. Upon her arrival, she was shocked to see her plant in full bloom. Looking out the window like she had intended, Pepper began to water her flower, which gently bowed as if to say "thank you." "You're... Haaah... welcome little guy," Pepper said with a yawn and a grin. Then, with her eyes laden heavy from her long day, she sat down and tried to draw what her new finding looked like. But, before she finished, she fell swiftly to sleep, only to be awoken by the nearby chicken coop. She yawned and then wiped the sleep from her eyes. "And good morning my little-" she stopped there because much to her surprise her flower was back to a pot full of dirt. She watched her pot for awhile and even tried to coax her flower out. But, after awhile of seeing that it wasn't coming out, she left for the day, never letting the flower slip from her mind. She came back that night to see that her flower was looking out the window like before. So she finished her drawing, and spent the rest of the night just watching her flower, and when the sun started to rise the flower started to wilt until finally it returned to a seed. Pepper spent weeks studying her flower, and eventually even got a seed from it. As time elapsed, she had her whole windowsill full of these "phantom flowers." She had also learned that they only bloom when the moonlight is hitting them. After awhile she began to experiment with her flowers, seeing if she could make any potions out of them. After a LOT of trial and error, she finally discovered a potion that worked! A potion that once she had drank caused her to lose all sense of feeling in her body, which quickly caused her to lose balance and collapse onto the floor, she laid there in her clubhouse trying to come up with a reason as to why this could help before realizing a potion of this caliber could be used in hospitals to help ease the pain during and even after surgery, after about an hour of trying to control her muscles and failing, the potion began to wear off and she could move her head. As she boredly looked around she realized her cutie mark had appeared. It was of the phantom flower that helped her achieve such an odd potion!

[colour=#ff0000]Soo... It's a phantom flower (the flower only appears at night but her cutie Mark is always there) (it looks sort of like a 4 petaled Easter lily)[/colour]

Please clarify that her cutie mark should remain static and unchanging. Also her "discovery" of a potion that dulls pain should be treated as an addition to the drug repertoire of Equestria, as we've seen use of modern medicine and facilities in Equestria, which tells me that anesthesia already exists. What does this mean for PepperJack? Please make it clear she found a new medicine, but she didn't discover pain-dulling potions in general.

[colour=#ff0000]History:

Youth: Pepperjack was born in Stalliongrad to her lovely parents, Monterrey Jack and Cream Cheese, along with her less than perfect sister, Belle Pepper. Her mother and father divorced when she was very young. Pepperjack went with her mother (see residency) while belle stayed with her father in Stalliongrad for the Winter and Spring, so the sisters saw each other in the spring and fall. The two sisters were as different as night and day, but got along with each other perfectly. Pepper is a goody horse shoes and a nerd, so she never really had many friends, and as such, became shy and introverted. Pepper was home-schooled (mostly because of bouncing between homes) but still went to school occasionally to try and learn more, For the first Spring away from Stalliongrad, the mother and daughter pair traveled all over Equestria looking for a suitable place to call home. After a long and tiring search, and much to peppers dismay, they finally settled down in the outskirts of Ponyville. She missed her father dearly. She has a great relationship with both of her parents, though her mother is very protective and her father is... another story. After they got all moved, in Pepper's mum said it would be good for them to visit their new neighbors and say hello, (Tl;Dr ignore spoiler if you don't have time)

So the two set out to nearby homes, after a long day of awkwardly going door to door for meet n greets, they arrived at the last house, which was owned by a strange old farmer and a whole hoofload of animals. Pepper wasn't that into meeting her neighbors, but she was curious about all the cute little critters wandering about. She was in awe of all the animals, so she decided to take a look around a bit while her mother was talking. Soon, she found herself looking at a large, red chicken coop. She decided to just pass it by, knowing that there were so many more interesting animals to see than just plain old chickens. As she walked away, a small chick was quite taken with the speckled filly. Unannounced to Pepper, she had a tiny yellow follower. Pepper stopped and watched a few pigs wallowing in mud. While she was distracted, the chick crawled into Pepper's tail to get all warm and snuggly. Once Pepper was all done looking at the animals, she decided to rejoin her mother at the door, trying to tell the farmer that she didn't need anymore blueberries. After a very drawn out and blueberry filled exit, the two finally left for home once more. Once in their house, Pepper walked into her room and heard a small peep. She looked around not knowing what made the sound. She paused for a moment and heard it again. "Peep!" She looked all over for it. Still not finding the source, she stood still for a moment until she heard it again, realizing it was coming from behind her. She turned and only saw her bedroom wall. Puzzled at this fact, she heard it once more, now realizing it was coming from her tail. She reached in and pulled out the little ball of feathers, "oh! hey there little guy! where'd you come from?" The chick just blankly looked at her and hopped up and snuggled up to her mane. Pepper gently trotted into the kitchen where her mum was cooking dinner. She showed her mum the little chick. Her mother was surprised to see the little ball of fluff and after alot of questioning she said it was too late to go looking for his owner but that they could go first thing in the morning. Pepper wasn't exactly thrilled about getting to revisit the homes they previously had that day, but she had a pretty good idea of where the chick came from. Her mother said she should take the chick outta the kitchen unless she wanted chick nuggets. The chick peeped happily. Pepper ran back to her room with her peeping hat and crawled into bed, "well we'd better stay in here where its safe! We wouldn't want any chick nuggets." The chick happily chirped, omitting a chuckle from Pepper. "hmm... nuggets? *peep* do you like that? *the chick nodded in agreement* Pepper thought it was odd, a chick liking the concept of "nuggets" hmm... Thats what I'll call you! you like that? *the chick chirped happily and layed down in her mane and began to drift off to sleep* Mmm... a chicken named Nuggets is kind off... odd... but it... it kind of suits you! *the chick fell asleep* Goodnight little guy..." Pepper quietly sat and waited till dinner was ready, and silently ate while her friend rested atop her head. She then went in and placed her sleeping hat on the pillow next to her and she swiftly fell asleep. The next morning came and Pepperjack woke up to a small peeping as the sun began to rise. "Ugh... Nuggets... It's still early... Go back to sleep." After a seemingly sleepless morning, Pepper got up and got ready to take the chick back home. "Well it's time to go..." Pepper slowly cantered towards the farmhouse and knocked on the door "Yeah? who is it? Oh, hello little filly what can I do ya fer?" "I think your Chick followed me home" "My chick? Wait... does he have a black spot on his legs? where a cutie mark'd be if he were a pony?" "Umm... I... I dont know..." she pulled him out of her hair "Yup! It's that little rascal! He gets outta the coop and wanders... He's kind of a loner..." "He's a loner?" "Yup never lets anypony near him but me... how'd ya catch him?" "He just climbed in my hair" "Really? Huh... hand 'im here" pepper hesitated "Well little guy... it looks like this is goodbye..." the chick snuggled up against her before being handed to the farmer "Bye nuggets..." "Nuggets?" "That's what i named him..." "Really... well time fer me to get this little feller back in his pin" "O... okay... bye...." as the farmer turned to walk away the little featherball pecked his hoof "ack!" causing him to drop nuggets who ran back to pepper and hopped in her tail. "Bad nuggets! You gotta go with Mr. farmer... You're his chicken!" "Hmm... Seems he's taken a shining to ya missy!" "I... I'm sorry sir... " "What would you say about keeping... Nuggets was it?" "Really!" "Why not?! Wouldn't stay anyways, he thought." "Oh thank you, Mr. Farmer!" "I'll even build ya a coop fer 'im" "Oh thank you Mr. farmer. Let me go tell my mum!" She ran back to her house, chicken in tow. "Mum! He said I could keep him!" "The chicken?" "Yeah!" "but where are we gonna-" "He's gonna build us a coop!" "Well... I guess you can keep-" "Thank you mum!"

((Long story short, Nuggets the pet chicken joined the party)) Nuggets and Pepper spent most of their days together. One day, Pepper was looking out her clubhouse window. She watched as Nuggets got out of his pin and began to walk away. Pepper ran out after him, but as she began to catch up the rooster realized he was being followed, and took off headlong into the Whitetail Woods! Pepperjack knew it wasn't safe, but she couldn't bear to lose Nuggets, and followed him in. She found him just a short ways in, in a small clearing pecking at the ground and scratching. "Bad Nuggets! You should never run off like this! What would you do if something happened? Come on... It's too dangerous out here!" She scooped up her pet, who rested on her back. What was so important to make him run away... what is that? A seed? Never seen one like this before... The two went back to Pepper's and had a long talk about why not to run away. She spent the remainder of summer in her clubhouse making potions and playing with Nuggets.

Before long, Fall came, and her father came down from Stalliongrad to pick her up. So, she packed her bags and kissed her mum goodbye. As much as she hated to leave her mum and Nuggets, she was glad to get to see her dad and sister. She spent most of the Gall with her sister, spending good quality time, laying on the bed, and doing each others hair, just laughing and talking about what they had done the prior months till she would leave for Ponyville. Pepper then spent the rest of the season with her dad, although she spent more time at the libraries studying than with him. Till she went home to her "Chemistry Lab" (Clubhouse) and to practice all the potions and things she'd learned while in Stalliongrad. When her sister got old enough and finally moved away to Canterlot, Pepper began to spend more time with her mother only visiting her father in the Fall. she went to school and finished the work before anypony else in her class, spending the rest of her school days reading, drawing and dreaming. She began to make some friends, including her best friend Fire Brand (Brandy), and even met her future besties Black Lace (Lacey), Blitz, and Roary ((Apps coming soon))

Teen: Pepperjack later moved to canterlot with her sister, and was accepted into canterlot university. Pepper breezed through most of her classes, there was one she spent more time on, alchemy while she would have sped through it her mentor. Magnum Opus, knew she was better than most all of her other classmates and gave her much more advanced material than most of her peers. Pepper would stay after school to listen to magnum go on and on about making potions of legend and how close he seemed to be, but couldn't quite grasp it. Off campus Pepper would usually walk down to the stream by the canterlot gardens (you see, this was one of her favorite places to go, so calm and quiet. A paradise of sorts) where she would bring some of her books to flip through or her drawing pad, to try and capture the beauty around, and within her. Rarely finishing either of these tasks before she would be discovered by one of her close (and overly zealous) friends. Usually Being drug to parties, and creating unshakable bonds with her friends

Adult: then after college Pepperjack moved out of her sisters apartment and began to travel the world furthering her studies and using her potions to help Anypony she could[/colour]

I think you should try to trim this section and give a brief summary. You've given a history, followed by an extended spoilered history, followed by an additional explanation in parenthesis, then more about her teenage life. What do we get about PepperJack the adult, the one you're applying for? One sentence. I promise you very, very few players will spend the time to read all of this about your character. Pick a few relevant, contemporary details about PepperJack that define her history, briefly, and how she came to settle in Canterlot. Additional details about her family and cast should go in other applications, as the focus should be on PepperJack. Use of named family should be removed (as you are locking down three names from use by other players) until you have solidified applications of these characters completed. Try to include details about her love of alchemy without making this into a fanfic. Use your creative drive for the actual roleplay and keep the information about your character here concise and to the point.

Character summary:

Pepperjack strives to make Equestria a better, safer place, and can't stand to see anypony sick or hurting. While she is a bit squeamish, she won't hesitate to help somepony in need. Pepper spends most of her time in her clubhouse reading a good book, but she also enjoys drawing, music, and hanging with her close friends. She is generally shy, but once you get to know her she can be quite the hooful! However, she'll also be the best friend anypony could hope for. As far as her reading goes, Pepper wants to learn as much as she can in order to help further her studies and perhaps someday discover some amazing new potion to cure any kind of disease! While she may be book smart, she is not very street smart. Although, she believes she can "be a part of da crew" she just... Well... Isn't exactly cut out for that! She's also not very good with physical labor. She can barely lift herself up! And she can be a tad cowardly, but when it comes right down to it, she'll always do the right thing!

Likes: Drawing, singing (she'd never do it in front of others though), Dancing (same as singing), cooking, animals, science, studying, potion making, chocolate, candy (she's not allowed to have either though or else she gets hyper), chemistry, reading (especially romance novels), facts, and nature (looking at it, at least)

Dislikes: [colour=#ff0000]Ghosts (she's terrified of em)[/colour], failure, slimy stuff, sports, sweat, and lies

Random facts: She dreams of flying. Pepper is a really good dancer. Pepperjack always keeps a small tube of pimple cream because someone once made fun of her about her "pimples" (which are actually just her spots!)

I would clarify that she's afraid of spooky stuff and not just ghosts, because we have no evidence that ghosts exist in Equestria. I'd like to see more information about present-day PepperJack and what she would be like for other characters to meet in the roleplay, as her personality section is short. You have a lot of information about her past, now just give her focus and tell everyone who reads this application who she is without getting into a huge amount of detail. Think about the core principles that define your character and stick with those -- the rest of the details you can hash out in the actual game.

I know this is frustrating, but this application isn't quite ready yet. Try trimming it up and bit and giving focus where it's due. Your goal is a rich summary of who this character is. If you have any additional questions (or death threats), feel free to make them known in this thread.

~ Rose