Earth Pony Mystery Veil, [Ready]

[VioletAllure]

Roleplay Type: World of Equestria

Name:Mystery Veil

Sex: Female

Age: Young Adult

Species: Earth Pony

Eye colour: Bluebell, a very soft mix of purple and grey, She wears a pair of round, non-medical glasses of a gentle violet, in academic or formal settings.

Coat: White, with the tiniest hint of gold.

Mane/Tail: She has a two toned mane of flaxen blond and pastel violet. She wears her mane long and straight, just long enough to brush her front legs, parted to both sides in traditional unicorn fashion. She painstakingly styles it every morning in an attempt to make it look professional and perfectly straight, though by the end of the day it has usually transitioned into loosely controlled, windblown chaos.

Physique: She is slender and noticeably shorter than the average pony, with nearly non-existent muscle mass.

Residence: She currently lives in a miniscule apartment, in a seedy district of the capital of Canterlot, (though seedy by Canterlot standards can still be considered elegant by the standards of some cities). The apartment has 3 rooms, which she has dubbed the Librara-itchen, the living room with a bed, and the bathroom 'that totally has only a shower and not a full bath' room.

Occupation: She currently works as the barely paid interim for an eccentric professor of magic, while she works on her master’s degree.

Cutie Mark: Three violet stars on the cover of a pseudo-leather bound book.

She got her cutie mark by helping out her younger, unicorn, brother through his magic kindergarten homework. He had always been a very weak reader, and needed help through the material. While she was explaining it to him, which he found extremely dull, she fell in love with the subject. On the next weekend she tore through his textbooks, and started tutor him. The afternoon after he wrote his first exam, he ran in and showed it to her, a high passing grade. Her cutie mark then appeared which represented her ability to teach and understand magical theory.

History: Mystery Veil grew up in the Chenya district of Stalliongrad, in northern Equestria. She was born to an earth-pony father, Ironhooves, and a unicorn mother, Moonflitter, on a viciously cold evening just after the yearly Hearthswarming Eve celebrations. She has three brothers, two older and one younger. Ironhooves as burly as he was stern, though he spoiled his only daughter something fierce. She would say she was spoiled sweet; the rest of the family would describe it as spoiled rotten. Her father worked at a local steel mill, very close to the family home, with her eldest brother, Steelhorn, eventually joining him there. Her middle brother Silverbit, was only slightly older then her, and attended school in the same year. They were nearly inseparable until college. Her youngest brother, Rusty Moon, is currently still in primary school.

She always had a close relationship with her brothers, and was a bit rougher around the edges than the average mare growing up because of it. Going through school, she was curious and a hard worker. She did very well, and was more then a bit insufferable about it, sometimes alienating her class mates.

After graduating primary school, near the top of her class in most subjects, she was accepted into Stalliongrad University’s magical studies program. She jumped into the work with maniacal enthusiasm, scoring excellent grades, but her relationships with her old schoolfriends suffered because of it. She worked part time as a waitress at a bar near her home, something her father’s rough and tumble coworkers teased him about relentlessly. Her father and eldest brother helped with her tuition, and after recieving her bachelor’s degree, she received a scholarship into the magical theory program at the prestigious Canterlot University.

She has only been attending school in Canterlot for a short time, and is just in the process of meeting new friends, and settling down there. This is the first time in her life she has spent any time apart from her very close knit family.

When she graduates, she hopes to go into research for a while, with eventual plans to get her doctorate and teach.

Character Summary: Mystery Veil is quick on her feet, with a caustic tongue. She is very fond of friendly arguing, and likes to play devil’s advocate. She tends towards friendly insults with friends, though is often too sharp with strangers. She was a bit of a bully in school, but after one extremely humiliating parent teacher conference learned to control her mouth somewhat. She loves learning, and is surprisingly patient with people who have less comprehension about subjects then herself.

Her special talent is magical theory, and anyone asking how an Earthpony can have a talent like that will probably get quite an earful. She is more than a passable cook as well, being handily the best in her family growing up. She favours traditional Stalliongrad foods, and has had some trouble adjusting to the different cuisine in Canterlot. She thinks she has a solid singing voice, most people will tell her this isn’t true, and the ones who won’t probably just don’t want to be yelled at. She is outgoing, but has been known to offend people fairly easily.

She is an avid sports fan, a hazard of growing up with too many brothers. She is a patriotic Stalliongradder, supporting all their local teams, and has more than a bit of an obsession with the Equestrian games. Always the academic, she loves advanced sports statistics, something that annoyed her family members.. She has started to get into hoofball since moving south, though cold weather sports were far more popular at home.

She tries to cover up her Stalliongrad accent, thinking that Canterlot is snobbish, and it might hold her back, though when she is excited or angry it becomes very obvious. She is rather annoyed at times by her youthful appearance, going through some lengths to make herself look more serious and academic. She is very ok with friends teasing her about it, though when strangers do it she gets incensed.

She is very passionate about the minutiae of magic, and will rant on about it in an increasingly accented voice if given any opening. She loves her schooling, though finds Canterlot frightfully expensive and is more than a little intimidated by the cities over the top sophistication. She has a bit of an inferiority complex about being a young earthpony in her field, fearful that she might not be able to truly excel, and is quite vocally defensive about it.

[Elderflower]

Hi there! First I'd like to say that you have a great application here! Your character has obviously been thoughtfully crafted and you've done a great job of communicating just what sort of pony she is with this app!

Now, I'm not staff but I'd like to just offer some friendly advice! Even though you're not letting the divorce of Mystery Veil's parents define her in a way that plays off like a trope, the subject of divorce in apps tends to be a little iffy when you're trying to get a character passed. Even though it wasn't bitter or a struggle, divorce often carries with it negative connotations that don't really fit with the themes of Friendship is Magic (and thusly World of Equestria roleplay). That isn't to say that your charcters' parents can't have any sort of separation - that happens! Whether it's to do with work or something else, separation can occur and is generally easier to get through the application process. Again, I'm not staff and they'll be able to tell you definitively whether or not this is something that needs to be adjusted, but it's a recommendation you may want to consider!

I think you've written a well thought-out character that would make a great addition to World of Equestria roleplay! Good luck!

[VioletAllure]

I was more looking at how I like a smaller family dynamic, ala applejack style (but without any implied tragedy) but I can see how it could be a problem.,If I get told its problematic, then It'd be easy enough ship mum back home .

I had really wanted to play the whole, moved to Canterlot, but had a family member there to run to if needed. I can easily make it somepony else if it comes to that.

Thank you very much for the thoughtful critique!

[Elderflower]

If you wanted to maintain that family dynamic you still can! You could always say the mother went away for work or something along those lines. It maintains the dynamic but removes the connotations of divorce. c: But again, that's up to you and the staff! It's just something to consider.

[QuickLime]

ElderFlower is right, we don't like to focus on divorce and such, I think you should downplay it or just not mention it but have it implied.

Another thing

[colour=#282828] (Earthpony and Pegasi are woefully underrepresented in magical programs, for some reason.)[/colour]

Is this necessary? It really isn't in my opinion and it's almost making up lore to boot..

Another problem I see is that your application suffers a lot of padding, some bits express your character, but mostly talk about her family and her father! This info needs to be downed and the focus on the app needs to be souly on Mystery Veil

[VioletAllure]

How's that? Dropped a bridge on mum, removed most info about brother's/father and filled out her filly years a bit.

Part of what I was going was when she was growing up, she was closer to her family then her friends. Hope this fixed things.

Also on the re-edit noticed my tenses were a bit shaky from time to time, feel free to help with grammar.

...

[VioletAllure]

Can somebody comment.. please?

[QuickLime]

Can somebody comment.. please?

As said before, Patience please! Volunteer staff and such I'll review it when I have time.

[VioletAllure]

The requested edits were made.

[QuickLime]

The requested edits were made.

I'v already asked you to be patient I'll look it over when I can, life has gotten a bit hectic (Moving into a new room and hauling stuff) so I'll look at this when I can, so please be patient just for a little longer

[VioletAllure]

I'm trying not to be incredibly negative but.. its like getting kicked in the stomach, when you respond to a bump instantly, but no feedback has ever been given on the one edit I was asked to do.

[starswirlthebearded]

Hey there! I know it's frustrating when you are waiting for your app to be evaluated, but please try and understand, we, the help staff, do have lives outside of Canterlot and other things to do. Heck, sometimes we log on to just RP after a long day. We like to help, we really do, it is why we were hired. But you have to understand, critiquing is not a quick thing. Sometimes it takes several hours for one app because we have to run things by SRPHS, and for proofreading from other RPH to make sure we didn't miss anything or that our tonality or intentions don't seem off.

As for responding to a bump immediately, she was probably pinged and taking 2 minutes to asking you to be patient was probably all she had time to do. Or she could have been on a mobile device and was unable to post a lengthy critique as I myself has been in the position many times before.

Believe me, she will get to it. But try to understand that we have other responsibilities. QuickLime even gave you several reasons why she hasn't been as active. All we ask is a bit of patience and understanding. I'm sure you'll be RPing in no time!

[Rosewind]

I'm trying not to be incredibly negative but.. its like getting kicked in the stomach, when you respond to a bump instantly, but no feedback has ever been given on the one edit I was asked to do.

Hi! You haven't really been a part of our community long, and I believe you are at a disadvantage of understanding how our system works. We have a dedicated volunteer team offering a free service. While we like to keep our turnaround for application feedback and fixes to a minimum, this is not always possible. As it stands, saying that you're feeling like we're causing you personal injury by not giving you immediate feedback is incredibly negative, and quite unnecessary. With that said, it's probably not a wise idea to bump your thread, as our Helpers typically review threads from the bottom up to work on ones that may have been waiting longer than this application. We do have other people working on applications that require help and feedback as well.

I advise you to be patient, and to kindly check your attitude. We're here to help you in a positive way, not cause you mental anguish over a pony roleplaying game. I trust there will be no further cause for negative discourse regarding this application.

[starswirlthebearded]

ALRIGHTY! Without any further delay it is time to do a full critique of this app.

So, let us begin. First off overall the application is good. However, as I told you in PM there are some issues, mostly revolving around pushing lore onto WoE.

First thing that caught my eye was this line:

an almost stereotypically Stalliongrad type

Put simply we don't really do stereotypes in WoE. I discussed it with the creator of the lore for the area, and he even said that there was no intent to create a stereotypical character type, but the lore was designed to show a Slavic feel to it. The easiest thing to do would be to simply remove that!

I'm also iffy about the line about the prestigious Canter Uni program. Personally I'd just say the university is prestigious rather than any individual program.

Personally I'd tone down the assumptions about foods as well. Stating she likes traditional food from her home town is fine, but try to not make lore up about what foods taste like or are like in different areas of Equestria.

Same can be said of "Snobbish Canterlot." I know there is some canon backing to that, but there is equal backing that shows that Canterlotians aren't all like that. It is fine if she thinks it, but don't state that as fact.

And last but not least the line

being a magic talented earthpony

Is misleading... Earth ponies aren't talented in aether. They can possibly understand and teach it, that is fine, but that is suggesting that she can perform magic which shouldn't be possible without a horn. They can brew potions which can be considered a part of magic though.

And I think that covers it! If you have any questions please don't hesitate to ask!

[VioletAllure]

Edits made.

Certainly didn't mean to imply she could use magic.

Most of the lorebuilding was just me gushing to add colour, didn't mean to list it as fact, and I cleaned it up.

(Changed the snobby thing too, but there are.. non-snobby ponies in Canterlot? ?)

[starswirlthebearded]

Everything looks good to me now. I'm going to pass this up to SRPHS to look over. If there are any other issues either they or I will let you know here.

And naturally so! Technically speaking Twilight and the mares from the first episode were Canterlotians, they didn't seem snobbish at all. And then you have Fancy Pants, who is the most affluent Canterlotian who is generally awesome. Then one can assume the window washer who met Rarity at the hoedown is a Canterlotian.

The snobbish ones were highlighted in Rarity's visit, so they could be contrasted by Fancy Pants.

[RarityDash]

Looks good to me.

[Rosewind]

Raridash is now canon. (Don't ask.)