Last post wins

[CrystalRain]

Ye-Haw every pony!   

 

[Penumbra]

idk where else to say this, so ill say it here. The most widely used design for BlackJack's mother, Gin rummy from Fallout equestria: project horizons is from a picture I drew. 

I consider this an achievement, and my mark on mlp as a whole. 

[MessageinaBottle]

does this mean I win

[SteelEagle]

It did. No longer.

[MessageinaBottle]

10 hours ago, SteelEagle said:

It did. No longer.

 

[CrystalRain]

I shall win again mwhehehhehehe  

[MessageinaBottle]

*explosion*

[Penumbra]

I'm coming up to my 13th year playing this game.
I'm not losing. 

[Inoue]

I shall win now

[Penumbra]

Dame desu yo

[SteelEagle]

The sweet taste of victory, friends.
How are you?

[CrystalRain]

Hi Steel, I'm awful hbu?

[Penumbra]

After a year and a half of putting it off, I finally actually started my japanese lessons for real this time. 

[CrystalRain]

Slayyyy  

[SymphonicFire]

That's cool, good for you! I wish i could learn a different language, though it never seems to stick.

[Penumbra]

I can only speak a very small bit, and I never try to speak it to actual other people. 
I just mumble Daijoubou to everyone and hope for the best. 

[SteelEagle]

I hope all of you have a wonderful May.

[Dubstep]

And I hope You have a wonderful FOREVER! Muwahahaha! uwu

[Nasty]

On 4/7/2024 at 8:54 AM, Penumbra said:

After a year and a half of putting it off, I finally actually started my japanese lessons for real this time. 

 *AHEM*

(A booming reverb of moist hatred spills across the entirety of existence as Nasty fidgets with their imaginary tie and rubs their sweaty palms across the side of their thighs)

"ITADAKIMASU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

[Nasty]

I've elected to have a conversation with myself so awkward that nobody would dare reply, thus securing my victory. 

I quit drinking for over a month; alas, I fell off the wagon earlier this week and when I was sprinting down a hill in the rain with my arms outstretched like Mario, there was a chain link fence in my path to the next bar. I elected to jump over it and cleared it for the most part, but because my shoes are pointed-toe they hooked themselves on the chain and I cracked a rib and hurt my wrists. 

Because there was a car parked with its headlights on in my immediate vicinity, I stifled a moan and got up in one fluid motion, acting only minorly annoyed instead of genuinely injured (my knee-jerk response in all situations involving 'witnesses' of any sort of conduct is to hide actual vulnerability).

Anyway, I've been going for very long walks and doing a lot of self-work, and the cool thing about having a cracked rib is that you're forced to draw your attention to your breath--you need to really focus on making sure you take in enough such that you don't asphyxiate yourself while simultaneously not pushing it too hard such that you pee your pants in public over the pain. 

Something I've learned about me is that it's super easy for me to suddenly have my awareness directed everywhere BUT my own body/self. It's like I immediately vacate my own inner premises, and suddenly exist only in the minds and perceptions of others. Adaptive to survive when you're younger and grow up in a cultic environment; but, when you're a wholeass adult who needs to make decisions that invest in your own well-being, it's hard to not just spontaneously combust all of your progress and plans for the day. It's like I'm a puppet on the world's strings, adapting and turning against myself according to the likely-imagined contempt of others. 

I used to think I was the exact opposite of this--indeed, so much of my teenagehood was spent on actively pretending to /not/ be influenceable by others, lashing out and acting the troll to try and convince everyone, myself especially, that "I only ever do what I want and can't be controlled!" Turns out: whether you are acting to accommodate external influence or acting counter to it, the locus of control is *still* the external. Just because I acted rebellious to perceived externalities didn't mean I was amassing agency; in fact, I was still self-abandoning, because what determined my behavior were forces entirely outside of myself. 

Whenever I find myself over-focusing on the external, I try my best to draw attention to what's happening inside of me. Usually it's a big empty panic; I'm desperately trying to plug the hole with other people's perceptions to close the screaming void instead of facing it within myself. When I let go of the external, I feel so many mental parts of my mind scrambling to make sure I didn't just commit an egregious wrong, that everyone won't abandon me (or conversely, that I was so sick that I defeated them and "really showed I didn't care"). But when I let them calm down and die down, I start to have a conversation with myself, and I start to present myself emotions and feelings and thoughts that direct me about how to take care of myself in the current moment. 

It's really really hard work to be honest; sometimes it feels like I'm drowning and like I'd do anything in the world to just have my next actions determined by anything other than my own inward soul. I get terrified I will make a mistake that will result in my total abandonment, not realizing that whether or not I'm abandoned by others is and always was outside of my control, and nothing to do with who I myself am. What *is* in my control is whether or not I'm abandoned by myself--codependency is a skill that is misused when applied to external forces; but, when you're codependent for yourself, you get to become who you truly are. Not a 'hero' or a 'villain,' but someone with a job to do, and a chance to try and influence the world to be on a better path unique to my own particularities; thus, it is my job to do everything I can to learn what those are by spending time with myself.