Acynder Posted December 29, 2011 Report Share Posted December 29, 2011 spamlol spam spam spamSent from my DROIDX using Tapatalk lol not really Link to comment
Nasty Posted December 29, 2011 Report Share Posted December 29, 2011 Angie Cakes, yes. Just yes.Well, I propose we all help each other. Everyone read each other's. Colton, tell me when you finish your story's next chapter. Everyone else who has a story or part of one that they wish to be read and reveiwed unprofessionally, gimmie. Also, hurry, because I'm leaving in a half an hour or less. Expect reviews tomorrow.It'd be nice if you'd review my stor--Hell, I'll quit damaging my pride and ask plainly, would someone if you have a while, read my wall of text in my signature? Link to comment
Conor Colton Posted December 29, 2011 Report Share Posted December 29, 2011 Nasty...please refer to the previous page where I did actually post both chapters of my story XD Link to comment
Sulvuss Posted December 29, 2011 Report Share Posted December 29, 2011 Nasty...please refer to the previous page where I did actually post both chapters of my story XDSo should I read it all and give a review or....would you rather get someone else to review it/ SInce I already gave pre-review of the unfinished project-or was it chapter one. Sorry, I'm pretty sleepy right now- Link to comment
Brony-Vas-Normandy Posted December 29, 2011 Report Share Posted December 29, 2011 Waiting, waiting, waiting.....*whistles*Sorry I'm late, I ate dinner between chaptersAnyway...Spoilered because wall o' text.Before I say anything, I want you to know that if I do say something that sounds rude, it's completely unintentional. I'll try to approach your weak points as nicely as possible.I like the story line so far. And that's saying something, because I usually don't read anything that doesn't make it on Equestria Daily.Another thing you're doing great so far is keeping the Mane 6 in character. All of their dialogue and behavior sounds the way it would be in-show....and now for the weak points.The biggest problem I have with it is the fourth wall breaking. You're writing in a third-person style, but occasionally add narrative that takes it into a kind of half-second-person style. When the reader has to keep changing between the two, it breaks them away and reminds them they're reading a story, and not actually spectating.Example:“Cupcakes?” Chris said as his mind recalled a rather ‘horrifying’ form of literature he had read in the past (which I will not name), “Uh..sure, I’d love one actually!” Chris said with a reassured smile.The sentence starts out in third-person, but suddenly, out of nowhere, you make an interjection that brings it into a narrative second-person perspective. The other weak point I'll mention here is the grammar. I know not everybody gets grammar perfect, but there are a few simple rules you can follow to make sure only minor mistakes show through. I had to turn my grammar-nazi alarm off because the ringing in my ears was starting to hurt.If you want more than that, I'll need a little while to write a formal review of your progress so far. Once again, none of this was intended to be rude in any way. Link to comment
Conor Colton Posted December 29, 2011 Report Share Posted December 29, 2011 Nah it's okay Sulvuss, you get some sleep No need to worry your crazy, love-filled head about it Link to comment
Fawkes Posted December 29, 2011 Report Share Posted December 29, 2011 spamlol spam spam spamSent from my DROIDX using Tapatalk lol not really...Lawl, wut? xDYOU TRYIN' TA SAY SUMTHIN ANGIE? Link to comment
Sulvuss Posted December 29, 2011 Report Share Posted December 29, 2011 Nah it's okay Sulvuss, you get some sleep No need to worry your crazy, love-filled head about it Ok but don't hesitate to ask me for help as always.Time to go and gather, tide up and draw for my review movie. Link to comment
Nasty Posted December 29, 2011 Report Share Posted December 29, 2011 Before I say anything, I want you to know that if I do say something that sounds rude, it's completely unintentional. I'll try to approach your weak points as nicely as possible.---Once again, none of this was intended to be rude in any way.That's probably the toughest part about reviewing, not trying to sound mean. Link to comment
Conor Colton Posted December 29, 2011 Report Share Posted December 29, 2011 Thanks for that Normandy Don't worry, that was very fair and didn't sound rude at all...but I do have one slight gripe, my grammar?I've ran this by a proof reader and he had no problem with my grammar .....Maybe it's a difference in writing techniques of our respective regions, you know since we both live on basically opposite sides of the world But apart from that, thanks Normandy, it was really nice of you to do that for me I'll address that 'fourth wall breaking' issue and hopefully it'll be better before I officially post them both on new years Link to comment
Acynder Posted December 29, 2011 Report Share Posted December 29, 2011 Angie Cakes, yes. Just yes.Well, I propose we all help each other. Everyone read each other's. Colton, tell me when you finish your story's next chapter. Everyone else who has a story or part of one that they wish to be read and reveiwed unprofessionally, gimmie. Also, hurry, because I'm leaving in a half an hour or less. Expect reviews tomorrow.It'd be nice if you'd review my stor--Hell, I'll quit damaging my pride and ask plainly, would someone if you have a while, read my wall of text in my signature?Your story was pretty bad. Josef clearly has the I.Q of a sperm bring his IPad to school when a bully can take it. Bryon's heel face turn came outta nowhere and had no real motivation other than "Generic as hell" bully. Leonards heel face turn came outta nowhere. And I hate High School drama. Link to comment
Acynder Posted December 29, 2011 Report Share Posted December 29, 2011 Your story was pretty bad. Josef clearly has the I.Q of a sperm bring his IPad to school when a bully can take it. Bryon's heel face turn came outta nowhere and had no real motivation other than "Generic as hell" bully. Leonards heel face turn came outta nowhere. And I hate High School drama.And what the fudge was with Leonards speech pattern? He sounds like Twist if she was doped on crack. Link to comment
PrinceHeru Posted December 29, 2011 Report Share Posted December 29, 2011 and I'm finally on Link to comment
Rocky Posted December 29, 2011 Report Share Posted December 29, 2011 Ahhhhh.... Nothing to say... Link to comment
Sulvuss Posted December 29, 2011 Report Share Posted December 29, 2011 Ahhhhh....Nothing to say...Finally, Irockz is here. Now the real fun begins! Link to comment
PrinceHeru Posted December 29, 2011 Report Share Posted December 29, 2011 Real fun? Hum...and that would be? Link to comment
Rocky Posted December 29, 2011 Report Share Posted December 29, 2011 Finally, Irockz is here. Now the real fun begins! I've got the ballons! I've got the chips! I've got rythem! I've got music! I've got my girl! Who could ask for anything more? Link to comment
Sulvuss Posted December 29, 2011 Report Share Posted December 29, 2011 I've got the ballons! I've got the chips! I've got rythem! I've got music! I've got my girl! Who could ask for anything more? athem*slowly the rubs the back of his neck and looks around*...maybe...LOVE!.Party. I bought the cake and the flashing disco ball! Link to comment
Acynder Posted December 29, 2011 Report Share Posted December 29, 2011 I got some guns and swords. Link to comment
Rocky Posted December 29, 2011 Report Share Posted December 29, 2011 athem*slowly the rubs the back of his neck and looks around*...maybe...LOVE!.Party. I bought the cake and the flashing disco ball! Well, great! Now where are the others? Link to comment
Angie Cakes Posted December 29, 2011 Report Share Posted December 29, 2011 Angie is here! :^D with hickory sticks! no party is complete without hickory sticks! Link to comment
PrinceHeru Posted December 29, 2011 Report Share Posted December 29, 2011 ^^; I have a feeling something is going to happen. Link to comment
AsthmaticPegasus Posted December 29, 2011 Report Share Posted December 29, 2011 Hey guys, whats up Link to comment
Conor Colton Posted December 29, 2011 Report Share Posted December 29, 2011 Well Pegasus I'm glad to say I've regained confidence in myself and my writing And everyone seems to be having fun so that makes it better Link to comment
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