Last post wins

[Acynder]

spam

lol spam spam spam

Sent from my DROIDX using Tapatalk lol not really

[Nasty]

Angie Cakes, yes. Just yes.

Well, I propose we all help each other. Everyone read each other's. Colton, tell me when you finish your story's next chapter. Everyone else who has a story or part of one that they wish to be read and reveiwed unprofessionally, gimmie. Also, hurry, because I'm leaving in a half an hour or less. Expect reviews tomorrow.

It'd be nice if you'd review my stor--

Hell, I'll quit damaging my pride and ask plainly, would someone if you have a while, read my wall of text in my signature?

[Conor Colton]

Nasty...please refer to the previous page where I did actually post both chapters of my story XD

[Nasty]

LOLDERP

[Sulvuss]

Nasty...please refer to the previous page where I did actually post both chapters of my story XD

So should I read it all and give a review or....would you rather get someone else to review it/ SInce I already gave pre-review of the unfinished project-or was it chapter one. Sorry, I'm pretty sleepy right now-

[Brony-Vas-Normandy]

Waiting, waiting, waiting.....

*whistles*

Sorry I'm late, I ate dinner between chapters

Anyway...

Spoilered because wall o' text.

Before I say anything, I want you to know that if I do say something that sounds rude, it's completely unintentional. I'll try to approach your weak points as nicely as possible.

I like the story line so far. And that's saying something, because I usually don't read anything that doesn't make it on Equestria Daily.

Another thing you're doing great so far is keeping the Mane 6 in character. All of their dialogue and behavior sounds the way it would be in-show.

...and now for the weak points.

The biggest problem I have with it is the fourth wall breaking. You're writing in a third-person style, but occasionally add narrative that takes it into a kind of half-second-person style. When the reader has to keep changing between the two, it breaks them away and reminds them they're reading a story, and not actually spectating.

Example:

“Cupcakes?” Chris said as his mind recalled a rather ‘horrifying’ form of literature he had read in the past (which I will not name), “Uh..sure, I’d love one actually!” Chris said with a reassured smile.

The sentence starts out in third-person, but suddenly, out of nowhere, you make an interjection that brings it into a narrative second-person perspective.

The other weak point I'll mention here is the grammar. I know not everybody gets grammar perfect, but there are a few simple rules you can follow to make sure only minor mistakes show through. I had to turn my grammar-nazi alarm off because the ringing in my ears was starting to hurt.

If you want more than that, I'll need a little while to write a formal review of your progress so far. Once again, none of this was intended to be rude in any way.

[Conor Colton]

Nah it's okay Sulvuss, you get some sleep

No need to worry your crazy, love-filled head about it

[Fawkes]

spam

lol spam spam spam

Sent from my DROIDX using Tapatalk lol not really

...Lawl, wut? xD

YOU TRYIN' TA SAY SUMTHIN ANGIE?

[Sulvuss]

Nah it's okay Sulvuss, you get some sleep

No need to worry your crazy, love-filled head about it

Ok but don't hesitate to ask me for help as always.

Time to go and gather, tide up and draw for my review movie.

[Nasty]

Before I say anything, I want you to know that if I do say something that sounds rude, it's completely unintentional. I'll try to approach your weak points as nicely as possible.

---

Once again, none of this was intended to be rude in any way.

That's probably the toughest part about reviewing, not trying to sound mean.

[Conor Colton]

Thanks for that Normandy

Don't worry, that was very fair and didn't sound rude at all...but I do have one slight gripe, my grammar?

I've ran this by a proof reader and he had no problem with my grammar .....Maybe it's a difference in writing techniques of our respective regions, you know since we both live on basically opposite sides of the world

But apart from that, thanks Normandy, it was really nice of you to do that for me

I'll address that 'fourth wall breaking' issue and hopefully it'll be better before I officially post them both on new years

[Acynder]

Angie Cakes, yes. Just yes.

Well, I propose we all help each other. Everyone read each other's. Colton, tell me when you finish your story's next chapter. Everyone else who has a story or part of one that they wish to be read and reveiwed unprofessionally, gimmie. Also, hurry, because I'm leaving in a half an hour or less. Expect reviews tomorrow.

It'd be nice if you'd review my stor--

Hell, I'll quit damaging my pride and ask plainly, would someone if you have a while, read my wall of text in my signature?

Your story was pretty bad. Josef clearly has the I.Q of a sperm bring his IPad to school when a bully can take it. Bryon's heel face turn came outta nowhere and had no real motivation other than "Generic as hell" bully. Leonards heel face turn came outta nowhere. And I hate High School drama.

[Acynder]

Your story was pretty bad. Josef clearly has the I.Q of a sperm bring his IPad to school when a bully can take it. Bryon's heel face turn came outta nowhere and had no real motivation other than "Generic as hell" bully. Leonards heel face turn came outta nowhere. And I hate High School drama.

And what the fudge was with Leonards speech pattern? He sounds like Twist if she was doped on crack.

[PrinceHeru]

and I'm finally on

[Rocky]

Ahhhhh....

Nothing to say...

[Sulvuss]

Ahhhhh....

Nothing to say...

Finally, Irockz is here. Now the real fun begins!

[PrinceHeru]

Real fun? Hum...and that would be?

[Rocky]

Finally, Irockz is here. Now the real fun begins!

I've got the ballons! I've got the chips! I've got rythem! I've got music! I've got my girl! Who could ask for anything more?

[Sulvuss]

I've got the ballons! I've got the chips! I've got rythem! I've got music! I've got my girl! Who could ask for anything more?

athem*slowly the rubs the back of his neck and looks around*...maybe...LOVE!.

Party. I bought the cake and the flashing disco ball!

[Acynder]

I got some guns and swords.

[Rocky]

athem*slowly the rubs the back of his neck and looks around*...maybe...LOVE!.

Party. I bought the cake and the flashing disco ball!

Well, great! Now where are the others?

[Angie Cakes]

Angie is here! :^D with hickory sticks! no party is complete without hickory sticks!

[PrinceHeru]

^^; I have a feeling something is going to happen.

[AsthmaticPegasus]

Hey guys, whats up

[Conor Colton]

Well Pegasus

I'm glad to say I've regained confidence in myself and my writing

And everyone seems to be having fun so that makes it better