Unicorn Clockchime[Ready]

[ClockChime]

Role-play Type: WoE

Name: Clock Chime

Sex: Female

Age: young mare

Species: Unicorn

Eye colour: red

Coat: dusty orange

Mane/Tail: Electric Blue with royal blue highlights {note: wild hair}

Physique: healthy, thin build, but wiry. a little tall

Residence: Cog's Machines and Repairs, Manehatten

{notes: shop is located in the southern side of town, converted from an old ware house building. Is suited for multiple occupants but currently only houses her. The place was bought and converted years before her birth, by her grandfather.}

Occupation: owner and main mechanic of Cog's machines and repairs

Cutie Mark: Golden Skeleton Key with a Gear for a Handle {note:CC connected with subjects talent for machines}

one faithful day, clockchime lay curled up in the loft above her grand fathers workshop, reading a semi-thick book. she flipped quickly through the pages as if desperate to consume all the knowledge locked inside. down stairs her grandfather tolled away at his latest contraption, making just enough noise to annoy the focused filly. she paused looking up and watch as he again tried cranking the machine, only to produce arcid smoke that quickly wafted up to her perch.

"agk.. Chime stay here, I'm going down the street to get some more rivets"

he called up to her, coughing and waving away the smog. clockchime stood and retreaded from the cloud of smoke. she took a quick look as her grandfather exited through the smaller door set into the twin bay doors. clockchime sighed and quickly came to a conclusion, as long as the machine was being troublesome she wouldn't be getting any reading done. she made the quick trot to the cast iron stairs that lead to the shop floor and began to descend.

the smoke had mostly dissipated, by the time she approached the annoying machine. it was a big thing, constructed in a large brass housing, supported by clawed struts. A panel was open on one side, revealing the cogs gears and diodes that were its life source. Clockchime examined it closely, looking for any breaks in the patterns the gears formed. There! A misplace cog jamming the whole machine. She gripped it with hoof and with horn, her weak magic coming to light around it. She began to pull, the cog slowly came loose and gave with a final grunt of effort. Tossing it aside she, gripped onto the attached handle and began to crank. The machine began to hum with life, and began heating the top surface. Clockchime felt pleased with her achievement, "it's like a puzzle" she thought while watching the innards spin and whir.

But, hold on something's not right, this design was to inefficient it isn't working well enough.

Clockchime smiled and set to work.

A while later cog returned with the rivets he had gone to fetch. The last thing he expected to find was his grand daughter neck deep in the heater he'd been making.

"Clockchime what are you doing?"

She pulled out of the machine after making a few last tweaks. Her coat was smudged with oil and her mane was tossed haphazardly, and she was smiling... Smiling a smile he hadn't seen there since her parents died.

"Grandpa, Grandpa I made it work!"

"Did you now? Well let's see what you've accomplished little one"

He said with a chuckle, joyful to see her in such high spirits.

Clockchime gave the crank a whirl, and the machine came to life with a satisfied growl. Intense heat could be felt, radiating from its upper surface. Cog gasped and stepped back, and Clockchime quickly followed suite. She looked around for something to stop the heat. Her gaze lit upon a short iron bar, she quickly chomped down onto it and toss it through the air, into the maw of the machine. It gave a strangled cough, and let loose a torrent of smoke before coming to a screeching halt.

Cog was speech less, amazed at what he'd just seen. Not, only had she figured out what was wrong she was able to improve upon the existing design, amazing!

He turned to his grand daughter, who was staring at the dead machine head hung low, looking as if she were about to cry.

"Haha, Extraordinary!"

He exclaimed slowly, approaching the burnt out machine.

Clockchime was flummoxed.

"But I-I broke it"

She choked out between sobs

"Yes, but what would have happened if you had left it, the whole place might have burned down"

"That's my fault though, I made it go out of control."

"True, but then you learned from it didn't you?"

"Y-yes, use limiters to keep things from working to well"

"Exactly, besides there's no fun in doing everything right"

He comforted her, trotting over to her side and looking over at the still glowing carcass of the dead machine.

Clockchime wiped away her tears and beat down her sadness, making up a resolve. She definitely wouldn't mess up again, she would become the greatest mechanic ever, and never have to worry about breaking or ruining anything ever again!

Cog looked down as a slight sparkle flit in the corner his eye, he caught the last glow on her flank as a cutie mark appeared. The freshly branded flank was now emblazed with a golden key, with a gear for a handle. He gasped excited, and tapped her shoulder.

She turned to see what had gotten him so worked up, and she saw it, there on her flank.

"My Cutie Mark!"

She exclaimed happily, almost jumping with joy at the site of it.

"This calls for a celebration"

He merrily told her. Perking up her ears she looked up at him hopefully.

"Mrs.Canes sweet shop?"

He gave her a wink and motioned to the back of the ware house where their living area was.

"Maybe... But first you need a bath your all messy"

And so Clockchime sprinted off to the bath, thinking greedily, as colts do, about the coming trip to the candy shop.

History: [trying not to write another story]

She was born and raised in Manehatten by her parents for a few years before they died in a mysterious acident, and was then taken in by her grandfather, Cog, who ran his own machine shop. She threw herself into her books, fiction, nonfiction, biographies she read them all with gusto. this period of reading gave her an aproxamite knowledge of all things. After getting her cutie mark she began focusing on mechanics learning many things and discovering many more. By the time she left school her grandfather fell ill, and died a few months later. Clockchime took over the shop and continues to run it to this day.

(i know its cliche, sue me)

Personality Summary:

Her first impression is that of cold and distracted as if she doesn’t care, she'll never look you in the eye or read while you’re talking, though despite this she'll (mostly) always remember what you've said. She keeps her word as if it weren’t in question, and treats loyalty the same. She is easily annoyed if someone repeats themselves, or accuses her of something she didn't do. She tends to be given to certain temptations such as food or the chance to do something interesting. She tends to automatically expect others to follow her own standards of truth and loyalty so she may assign things to others and be flummoxed when they are not done. if you are to anger her, which is exceedingly difficult, watch out she'll easily forgive but not to calm down in a rage. She will stand and watch will tinkering most times but if she has a mind to she will take the lead.

[ClockChime]

hmmm no feed back... did i do it wrong?

[ProfessorCogsworth]

It takes time for people to get to a topic to give feedback, there are people you can contact to get feedback though, I recommend Starswirlthebearded, he/she/creature from beyond dimensions is quite good at providing helpful hints.

The other thing to do would be to take a look at other applications, just to get the gist of things. One of the things you've done which may cause a delay in getting an application accepted is the very same thing I did with my original draft of my application and was pointed out to me. You have no Cutie Mark story, merely describing the Cutie Mark isn't enough, there has to be a story as to how your character actually earned the Cutie Mark, it is meant to be a big occasion for a pony.

Perhaps go into detail describing Clock Chime's residence. How does the shop look? Is it fairly clean and well organised or is it a case of parts being strewn hither and dither about the shop? Is it well lit or is it a musty atmosphere more reminisce of those old curiosity shops? What is the street like where it is located, is it in the more rundown parts of Manehatten or is it located in a more upmarket street?

The main character history and character summary can be done as a Doctor's note, infact it is quite an inventive way to do it but perhaps flesh out the residence and cutie mark story and give Starswirlthebearded a polite PM asking them to give it a once over. They aren't an RP Helper but they do have good knowledge.

I'm just providing very basic pointers, I'm sure someone with more posts and more knowledge will be along to help you.

[Scythe]

hmmm no feed back... did i do it wrong?

Not quite wrong, not quite "right".

I personally really love the creative style of your app. I've never come across one like these before and it's definitely more entertaining than my apps.

Hopefully I can give you some soothing information and advice here:

1. No feedback is rather normal if you just posted the app! The ones take care of the apps are the RP Help Staff consisting of the RP Helpers and the Senior RP Helpers. The RP Helpers will review every app from the oldest to newest and if they think it is ready give it to a Senior RP Helper who then will stamp it - if everything is alright. It might take some time until Help Staff gets to you - my Symphony App is way back on page two and not looked at yet.

Other users comment rarely on apps, since it's a lot to read mostly and they don't want to give you wrong hints, since they are not Help Staff!

2. I'm afraid the helpstaff will want from you that you follow the application form more exactly - here I post it for you:

Roleplay Type:

Name:

Sex:

Age:

Species:

Eye colour:

Coat:

Mane/Tail:

Physique:

Residence:

Occupation:

Cutie Mark:

History:

Character Summary:

And here is a guide from Phil.

3. If you want to make sub-categories like I love to do (e.g. "Flaws", "Wishes" or "Fears") use the indent button and put them under Character Summary, or if its something like "Cutie Mark Story" under History.

4. Help Staff might ask you to change the style of your app. I cannot guarantee you that, but usually you just write in 3rd person about your character, like a novel or like you would tell someone about her. It is not forbidden to write in 1st person or in a different style, but it makes reviewing the app harder for the staff. This style requires to interpret what you tell us, so there is a chance they want it changed. I wouldn't change it until you get an official statement from the staff.

5. You should add a bit about her cutie mark. You mentioned it has to do with her talent for machines - can you be a bit more exact? Also it's always great if you write about the day or moment she got her cutie mark.

A few more positive things:

Did you make your avatar yourself? She looks really pretty and that picture has something to it that sets it apart - amazing.

Her character sounds interesting and round, not boring and flat.

Please note that I'm NOT a RP Staff member and any information I give you is just as good as my knowledge! If the Help Staff says something different then they are right and I am wrong!

[ClockChime]

hehe thanks for the feed back you two thats exactly what i was looking for i think i'll leave it as is for now and wait for it to be properly checked before messing with it too much, i'd like to go with the 4th rule of writing "start with an idea not a story" which means develop the story by telling it and don't just have the whole thing before hand. though i will add the cutie mark story.

on the avatar: at this point i think its magic, everyone including me loves it and cant tell why. i got it from a pm in a forum the image has never been posted and the artist doesn't exist. its rather a mystery to me, but ever since I've used it as my avi every where

[Scythe]

i think i'll leave it as is for now and wait for it to be properly checked before messing with it too much.

Thats probably the easiest way. ^^ Just get prepared, when the Help Staff comes they will question the origin of her traits and you might need to explain why she is how she is. Usually that is accomplished easily by writing a bit about her past.

[ClockChime]

Thats probably the easiest way. ^^ Just get prepared, when the Help Staff comes they will question the origin of her traits and you might need to explain why she is how she is. Usually that is accomplished easily by writing a bit about her past.

i could easily do a complete rewrite, rule 12 know your charecters

[starswirlthebearded]

*looks around* Wow... asked for by name... Huh...

Welp! since I'm here... I too love the style of the app and the creative flair it has. So every suggestion I make will be in an effort to preserve it as much as possible. Like Scythe, please remember that I am not RP Help Staff, and most of this is personal opinion

So I don't repeat things what have already been said, what Scythe said is pretty spot on. This is especially about #2 and #5.

On #2/#4 I have an idea, that may or may not work for the help staff, that will moderately keep what you have done in tact for the most part... Take out the beginning of it, (the physical data) and change it to what is required as Scythe pointed out. Then integrate the psych eval into the history/character summary. You can make a note that he went to a psychologist and this is her thoughts about her history/personality.

On #5... Please expand upon the Cutie Mark story. I usually recommend watching Cutie Mark Chronicles episode and seeing how each of the Mane 6 told their story and trying to keep that same sort of spirit. Cutie mark acquisition is an extremely meaningful, exciting and well... life changing... experience for a young filly. It should be more than a one or two line thing. It can still be short, but keep in mind the importance of it, and try to convey that to the reader in the app.

NOW! This is important! Depression will need to be removed! Severe psychological issues are not allowed in WoE (ie clinical depression), as far as I can remember.

You should definitely expand upon her history as well (the cutie mark story can easily be included in this, and from what I have seen some RP Helpers prefer it this way)! If you make it into the required format that will be a very organic thing to do. This will also answer some important questions. Like how she works at her grandfather's shop. She is still a filly so she should be a student still (I think this is required of all school aged characters). She could be like an assistant, but she is still too young to be a full time employee of any shop, whether she is related or not (more on that in notes). Think Applebloom with her family's business. She helps out when needed, but otherwise she is a regular filly that plays with her friends and goes to school.

{note: despite being so anti social she seems to have an inherit need for companionship, subject has been known to house homeless foals}. when questioned on such suspicions she mearly brushed it off saying "i just don't want to be alone." such behavior can be accredited to her lack of a stable relative or parent.

This seems rather contradictory. I'd think socially awkward or something similar would be better, not antisocial. Those whom are antisocial tend to not want to have companionship.

A few other sparse notes.... (not negative necessarily but things that should be reconsidered if possible)

1) Dead parents trope is rather overdone... It got to the point where a Canterlot orphanage was made.

2) Total abandonment and leaving total control of a shop to a filly (seeming to result in dropping out of school) doesn't have a place in Equestria. It just seems rather dark and mean. Too dark and mean for WoE.

3) There are some typos and grammatical issues that need fixing (ie "He taught me everything he new" should be "knew")

So this does require some work, but I can definitely see this being an awesome character in the future.

Best of luck! If you have any questions, please don't hesitate to ask!

[ClockChime]

*looks around* Wow... asked for by name... Huh...

Welp! since I'm here... I too love the style of the app and the creative flair it has. So every suggestion I make will be in an effort to preserve it as much as possible. Like Scythe, please remember that I am not RP Help Staff, and most of this is personal opinion

So I don't repeat things what have already been said, what Scythe said is pretty spot on. This is especially about #2 and #5.

On #2/#4 I have an idea, that may or may not work for the help staff, that will moderately keep what you have done in tact for the most part... Take out the beginning of it, (the physical data) and change it to what is required as Scythe pointed out. Then integrate the psych eval into the history/character summary. You can make a note that he went to a psychologist and this is her thoughts about her history/personality.

On #5... Please expand upon the Cutie Mark story. I usually recommend watching Cutie Mark Chronicles episode and seeing how each of the Mane 6 told their story and trying to keep that same sort of spirit. Cutie mark acquisition is an extremely meaningful, exciting and well... life changing... experience for a young filly. It should be more than a one or two line thing. It can still be short, but keep in mind the importance of it, and try to convey that to the reader in the app.

NOW! This is important! Depression will need to be removed! Severe psychological issues are not allowed in WoE (ie clinical depression), as far as I can remember.

You should definitely expand upon her history as well (the cutie mark story can easily be included in this, and from what I have seen some RP Helpers prefer it this way)! If you make it into the required format that will be a very organic thing to do. This will also answer some important questions. Like how she works at her grandfather's shop. She is still a filly so she should be a student still (I think this is required of all school aged characters). She could be like an assistant, but she is still too young to be a full time employee of any shop, whether she is related or not (more on that in notes). Think Applebloom with her family's business. She helps out when needed, but otherwise she is a regular filly that plays with her friends and goes to school.

This seems rather contradictory. I'd think socially awkward or something similar would be better, not antisocial. Those whom are antisocial tend to not want to have companionship.

A few other sparse notes.... (not negative necessarily but things that should be reconsidered if possible)

1) Dead parents trope is rather overdone... It got to the point where a Canterlot orphanage was made.

2) Total abandonment and leaving total control of a shop to a filly (seeming to result in dropping out of school) doesn't have a place in Equestria. It just seems rather dark and mean. Too dark and mean for WoE.

3) There are some typos and grammatical issues that need fixing (ie "He taught me everything he new" should be "knew")

So this does require some work, but I can definitely see this being an awesome character in the future.

Best of luck! If you have any questions, please don't hesitate to ask!

Okay let's see

XYa I will swap the data part,

XAs for the cutie mark bit, I guess I'll have to work that out, it breaks the cardinal rule of writing "show don't Xtell"

XHmmm depression... I'll have to work with that. Was meant to be more cold then depressed.

XI'll have to tweak her age, I thought filly was older then that. And ya history and again show don't tell

XTweaking antisocial to cold

I know it's over done, that's why I added the dead grandfather and abandoning uncle.

Again raising age

I'll toss it to my editor

Hehe,I was trying to do rule 2 "make an excellent character, and make them suffer" hope that works out

Edit:using this quote as a check list btw

[Rosewind]

We're watching you! Swirly seems to be doing a fantastic job of helping you along with the development process. Although he is not a helper in title, he has solid sense about the game, and his suggestions should help you on your way to approval. I will flag this application for review by an RPH. As I am looking at it, though, there is a lot to work on, and all of Swirly's suggestions so far have been everything I would have said myself.

Keep asking questions! Application building should be a fun and collaborative process!

[ClockChime]

We're watching you! Swirly seems to be doing a fantastic job of helping you along with the development process. Although he is not a helper in title, he has solid sense about the game, and his suggestions should help you on your way to approval. I will flag this application for review by an RPH. As I am looking at it, though, there is a lot to work on, and all of Swirly's suggestions so far have been everything I would have said myself.

Keep asking questions! Application building should be a fun and collaborative process!

Cool, so far it's just a pain, I don't like making artificially happy chara. I'm going too expand it tonight when I'm not mobile.

Edit:okay started working

[starswirlthebearded]

Cool, so far it's just a pain, I don't like making artificially happy chara. I'm going too expand it tonight when I'm not mobile.

Edit:okay started working

Remember, there is a difference between making an artificially happy character, a needlessly depressing character [that wouldn't fit into WoE], and a character that has a sad back story. Plenty of characters that have sad backstories get accepted, so long as it fits in with the show. But the rule of thumb is "Would I see this in an episode of MLP:FiM?" And personally, while I can see them dropping the death bomb [they've already slightly dealt with it with Filomena (sp?)], I don't think I could see them have a character callously abandoning a family member expecting them to fail while they are a child.

There was a rather recent one that got accepted. If I can find it I'll link it here so you can see what I mean.

[ClockChime]

Remember, there is a difference between making an artificially happy character, a needlessly depressing character [that wouldn't fit into WoE], and a character that has a sad back story. Plenty of characters that have sad backstories get accepted, so long as it fits in with the show. But the rule of thumb is "Would I see this in an episode of MLP:FiM?" And personally, while I can see them dropping the death bomb [they've already slightly dealt with it with Filomena (sp?)], I don't think I could see them have a character callously abandoning a family member expecting them to fail while they are a child.

There was a rather recent one that got accepted. If I can find it I'll link it here so you can see what I mean.

ohoho, tuche

mmm true i was experimenting with being a bit darker for simplicities sake i'm just going to s**** the whole idea

the uncle bit was ripped from her orignal storyline of one of my fic's, in which her uncles were flim and flam but thats a no go here so ya

and i have a stronger defenition of sad then mostto me this story is cheery (over exageration )

her original dynamic was that of a pony who'd been abondoned so many times, that she finds ponies in need and saves them and becoming freinds

Okay, working on history now, not gonna be a story this time

[ClockChime]

okay total rewrite, hows this?

[starswirlthebearded]

Ok! This is much better. I just have two pieces of advice that only requires a bit of writing and a bit of editing.

1) Take the cutie mark story and put it in history (a simple cut and paste will do). Then make a paragraph or two as back story from before her cutie mark story and do the same for after. That way we have a bit of backround history before the Cutie Mark event and a bit after so we know where she is and how she got there. Cutie Mark section of the app need only describe the cutie mark itself, and doesn't have to include the story [basically describe what it looks like and it's meaning, if not apparent]. By doing this you give a nice detailed history, instead of a very detailed CM story and a very sparse history. (Does this make sense or am I just rambling?)

2) Do a bit of proofreading, I noticed at least one or two spelling errors, but I wasn't reading for that purpose. RP Help Staff will ask you to fix that. And please use proper capitalization.

After you do those two things, you should have a fantastic app! Just keep in mind that the way you told the cutie mark story is a bit different than the norm, and they may ask you to reformat it to be without the dialogue to make it two to three succinct paragraphs. However that is up to the RP help staff. The way you did it seems fine to me, even though it is a bit atypical.

Fantastic work though! Your app has already come such a long way, you just need to do a bit more tweaking

[ClockChime]

1-eeeeee when i'm more awake i'll expand the history, and mybe i'll mix it but as of yet i'd rather keep the story and list type history seperate

2-i do screw up spellling i will never be able to do this write, with out popping it into a spell check program and even then i miss stuff

mrrrrrrr i hate tweaking

edit: okay history extended, i certainly hope for the last time, anymore and i'm forceing things into the charector wich i dont want to do.

[starswirlthebearded]

It is short but with the cutie mark story and character summary it should be fine!

Just Try and clean up the capitalization and typos while you wait for help staff!

This character has come a long way, great work!

[ClockChime]

she has come no farther, this is who she was from the begining

i'll have my editor take care of it.

[starswirlthebearded]

she has come no farther, this is who she was from the begining

i'll have my editor take care of it.

Touché, I meant the app

Cool. Just be patient while a help staff get around to it they usually review apps from bottom to top.

[ClockChime]

name='starswirlthebearded' timestamp='1355707955' post='313110']

Touché, I meant the app

Cool. Just be patient while a help staff get around to it they usually review apps from bottom to top.

hehehe granted,

mmmm hope so

Waiting is getting realy boring... Might just leave at this point

[flutterscotch]

hehehe granted,

mmmm hope so

Waiting is getting realy boring... Might just leave at this point

You can, while you are waiting your turn to get reviewed, RP with this character in Free-For-All. We are trying to get to the applications as quickly as we can, but there are a limited number of us handling apps in general, and an even smaller number of us who do not have IRL things that are keeping them from the board at the moment.

[ClockChime]

And now I feal like a jerk.

Ehhh free for all sounds realy chaotic, if anybody can jump in or out the story just turns sour, I've had a lot of experience with that, free for all has never worked for me.

[Mojo]

ClockChime, our sincere apologies for not officially reviewing this app sooner.

All of the required fields are filled, and I can see you have spent considerable time writing it.

Users normally don't use 'short story' form to describe their character's Cutie Mark story, but as an amateur fiction writer myself, I must say it was very gripping! Loved it! Well done!

This app is a bit brief in some places, and may need some more character description as far as personality is concerned, but all in all, this app is great!

[ClockChime]

No problem, I need to work on my patience.

I didn't spend terribly long on it, only 5-6 hours

My writing is terible, so I can remove it if need be.

I can expand on personality but I'd need to know what's missing

[RarityDash]

Mojo is right that it's kind of lacking in length... that said, the app seems to include enough to have everything we need so I think I'm willing to cut you some slack on it. It's a good, solid app... and so: