Well I read the whole thing. I really liked the story, certainly kept my attention, and believe me, that's hard to do That said, it could use a little tuning-up in places. I'm not much for poetry I must admit, so please excuse me if I say something dumb. There are a few lines that just don't rhyme, such as in paragraph 3 when you rhyme "am" with "came", or paragraph 9 with "office" and "lawless". Also there are a few points where the flow seems off to me, mainly due to where the pauses are. i.e. To me, the pause in the first line comes too late, and so the second seems off. Re-reading it I can see where you were going with it, but it's hard to know the speed it's meant to be read at to keep it flowing smoothly. This might just be a formatting thing though. I do hope I don't sound like I'm nitpicking. You did ask for feedback. I really do like this, I just think it could use some tweaking ^^: