WhiteSakura [FINAL]

[Whitefeather]

Roleplay Type:World Of Equestria RP

Full Name:WhiteSakura

Sex:Female

Age:Young Mare

Species:Pegasus

Eye Colour:Rich Brown Chocolate Eyes

Coat: White with hints of cream undertones, along with light creamy zebra stripes that are dyed onto her pure white coat due to her unique fashion sense.

Mane/Tail: Her mane is long and delicate but often kept in a fancy up do, while her tail hangs low in rich delicate curls. Her mane and tail are a rich pink with soft pink tones, and her tail has a white stripe running through it that follows the curl. Due to that same quirky sense of style, she wears a head dress made of curved white bark that resembles spiraling horns.

Physique:Her body is light and delicate, but slightly lanky to give her a graceful willowy appearance.

Residence:Solistice Heights

Occupation:Artist

Cutie Mark:A paintbrush with white wings, the paintbrush being a symbol of her status as an Artist.

History:WhiteSakura was born an only child to her two beloved parents Noble Flight and his wife Blossom Sweet, inside their quaint, spacious home in Solistice Heights. Her mother was a fashion designer and her father wrote novels. Due to being born so close to the woods, a young WhiteSakura was always fluttering around on filly wings, introducing herself to the various animals that lived there. Her mother and father never worried, knowing she could contact them through a special crown that she wore swearing it was a real gift from Celestia. She'd insisted upon getting a spell casted on it. Though with the animals, she seemed to have a natural way with them, and due to spending so much time quiet and still she was able to observe so many details, that one day she decided to perminate memory of them, and brought her art book out with her paints, and watched, painting all that she saw.

By the end of her masterpiece she was surrounded by her animal friends, and she'd blushed softly since they seemed very happy with her art, she scarcely noticed the cutie mark that appeared on her flank. It was a winged paintbrush, the paintbrush symbolizing her eye for detail and artistic nature, while the wings symbolized her graceful and quiet nature that let her get into nature where other ponies could not.

She had a slightly hard time making friends in school because of the fact that she was merely shy, but the ones she did make were long lasting and dear to her, and she kept painting as well! Her naturally soft and beautiful landscape and animal paintings soon started to be shown in small art galleries, and she owns her own home where she paints pet portraits and landscapes for a living. One day though she hopes to be famous enough so that her work is hung on the walls of the Canterlot Art Museum.

Due to so much alone time as a child WhiteSakura is very quiet and very sensitive in nature, she finds herself crying very easily, especially to things that make her happy, she can seldom hold back tears when she reads a fairy tale with a happy ending because it moves her to tears! Though shy in nature, WhiteSakura never stands idly by and lets others be put down or bullied, especially for their differences since she's always felt a little bit like an odd ball.

Character Summary: WhiteSakura is a very emotional and sensitive mare who tries to bring a little light and joy in to every pony she meets in life, be that through her paintings or through her own company. She can be very, very sensitive and finds it very easy to have her feelings hurt, but she always tries to face the day with her chin up and a smile on her face. WhiteSakura has many interests in reading, and in animals. Since these are often quiet activities WhiteSakura has a hard time getting into sports! She's tried them before and found that whenever she is done, the straining acitivity has left every muscle from her muzzle to her hooves sore and aching!

She is a gentle soul with a strong soul and her sunny outlook and cheery disposition will take her far one day.

Edited December 22, 2012 by WhiteFeather

[Mojo]

Hi Whitefeather!

Excellent pic of your pony, by the way!

I know this is your first app, and as such, I would kindly suggest that you read the Application Rules as well as the World of Equestria RP Rules and edit this application appropriately. Mane RP has much stricter rules than Free-For-All or Crossover RP.

First of all, no 'new lore' can be introduced in Mane RP. As such, WhiteFeather cannot be the queen of a far away land.

Also, the font is very small, it was difficult for me to read.

This app will need many changes if you want to RP this character in Mane RP.

If you have any questions or concerns, feel free to contact me!

[Dio]

I also wanted to chime in and say that White Feather is the name of one of my OCs. For Mane RP you will have to change the name to avoid any confusion. Thanks.

[Rosewind]

Any progress on the changes needed?

[Whitefeather]

Any progress on the changes needed?

[colour=#ffa07a]Yes. [/colour][colour=#d3d3d3]^ ^[/colour]

[Mojo]

Thank you for making changes on the app, especially changing the font so it is easier to read.

This app is much improved! You've done a great job changing her name, origin, even her occupation! Well done!

There are still a few minor things that needed 'ironed out' to make this app ready for Senior RP Helper approval.

First of all, her stripes. Are those stripes something she painted on her fur herself or are they natural? We do not allow any creatures other than zebras to have natural stripes. I know this firsthand last year when I wrote an app for a 'striped' pony of my own (passed when I said they were a 'fashion statement'). Secondly, since we have no idea what type of calendar they use in Equestria, using dates like "June 4th" would not be permitted. Third, I think some would take issue with a pony's father being named "DeathWing", that just doesn't seem to fit into the FiM universe.

Also, you need to change the Title line of this app to reflect your char's new name. You can do that when you click the Edit button and then the FULL EDITOR button to all you to edit the Title line.

LOVE the changes you made, you're on the right track!

[Whitefeather]

Thank you for making changes on the app, especially changing the font so it is easier to read.

This app is much improved! You've done a great job changing her name, origin, even her occupation! Well done!

There are still a few minor things that needed 'ironed out' to make this app ready for Senior RP Helper approval.

First of all, her stripes. Are those stripes something she painted on her fur herself or are they natural? We do not allow any creatures other than zebras to have natural stripes. I know this firsthand last year when I wrote an app for a 'striped' pony of my own (passed when I said they were a 'fashion statement'). Secondly, since we have no idea what type of calendar they use in Equestria, using dates like "June 4th" would not be permitted. Third, I think some would take issue with a pony's father being named "DeathWing", that just doesn't seem to fit into the FiM universe.

Also, you need to change the Title line of this app to reflect your char's new name. You can do that when you click the Edit button and then the FULL EDITOR button to all you to edit the Title line.

LOVE the changes you made, you're on the right track!

[RarityDash]

Hi there.

I've read the app and I'm afraid I see a few issues with it that I'd like to bring to your attention.

To start with, we like for all applications to be left aligned rather than centered. it's just easier to read that way .

Looking at the actually content, there seem to be some areas of real disconnect in her story. The story with the parents seems confused to me. You say they made her feel unwanted, but then you say a few sentences later that her father gave her everything she wanted and was nice to her and you don't seem to indicate her mother being bad to her either. The start of the character summary also implies her parents were supportive of her talents and got her whatever she requested. Then there's the fact that you seem to indicate that the parents got separated and then evidently both died (presumably in separate incidents?). All together it becomes rather jarring and confusing. You should keep in mind that you will never be forced to apply for a character's parents or even mention them in an RP if you don't want to; since "she's okay now" and the loss of her parents really doesn't strike me as very necessary to the app, you might consider lightening up on these elements. Either way, I'd like to see the story here be made more clear and cohesive.

Similarly, there are a few other spots where the story breaks down for me. Who are these animals that it keeps mentioning? You say she likes animals and nature, but you don't really tell us anything about the animals in question here. Who are they? Where did they come from? How did she meet them? Also, what exactly is the thing that caused her cutie mark? Drawing? Calming the animals? Baking? The moment a pony gets their cutie mark should be a more singular event, not a series of little things covering all of her interests and hobbies.

Finally, it's a smaller thing, but many times throughout the app you use the word "people". People do not exist in Equestria. This should be changed to ponies everywhere it appears.

Hope to see this app approved soon. Good luck!

[Whitefeather]

Hi there.

I've read the app and I'm afraid I see a few issues with it that I'd like to bring to your attention.

To start with, we like for all applications to be left aligned rather than centered. it's just easier to read that way .

Looking at the actually content, there seem to be some areas of real disconnect in her story. The story with the parents seems confused to me. You say they made her feel unwanted, but then you say a few sentences later that her father gave her everything she wanted and was nice to her and you don't seem to indicate her mother being bad to her either. The start of the character summary also implies her parents were supportive of her talents and got her whatever she requested. Then there's the fact that you seem to indicate that the parents got separated and then evidently both died (presumably in separate incidents?). All together it becomes rather jarring and confusing. You should keep in mind that you will never be forced to apply for a character's parents or even mention them in an RP if you don't want to; since "she's okay now" and the loss of her parents really doesn't strike me as very necessary to the app, you might consider lightening up on these elements. Either way, I'd like to see the story here be made more clear and cohesive.

Similarly, there are a few other spots where the story breaks down for me. Who are these animals that it keeps mentioning? You say she likes animals and nature, but you don't really tell us anything about the animals in question here. Who are they? Where did they come from? How did she meet them? Also, what exactly is the thing that caused her cutie mark? Drawing? Calming the animals? Baking? The moment a pony gets their cutie mark should be a more singular event, not a series of little things covering all of her interests and hobbies.

Finally, it's a smaller thing, but many times throughout the app you use the word "people". People do not exist in Equestria. This should be changed to ponies everywhere it appears.

Hope to see this app approved soon. Good luck!

[colour=#FFA07A]I-I [/colour][colour=#d3d3d3]tried[/colour][colour=#FFA07A] to fix it.[/colour]

[Imagination]

Hello there!

I can see you've been working hard on this app, but there's still some work to be done in order to get this character moving

[colour=#282828] She's also very sensitive and fragile, also very emotional due to her mother and father. They made her feel unwanted because when she hit a certain age they stopped truly listening to her and just giving her anything she needed except their love, so she turned to nature and it seemed to embrace her soul.[/colour]

This personally makes no sense to me. By giving her everything she needed, wouldn't that mean they were listening to her? And why would they give her anything at all if they didn't love her? This and other portions of the parent back story seem confusing and unfocused, maybe a bit rushed even? I'd recommend going back through this and rewriting it. Keep things like parent histories simple. There are ways to develop sensitive souls and nature lovers without terrible and/or dead parents.

[colour=#282828] [/colour][colour=#282828]Artist | Baker[/colour]

Which is it? The cutie mark doesn't have anything to do with the both of them. Art, maybe, but where does the baking come from? I think you should try to focus more on this character's skill in art. Does she tie her love for nature and animals into her art? How so? My belief is that this application simply needs to follow one rule: K.I.S.S.

Keep It Simple, Silly!

As stated above by Phil, there is also still the mention of the word 'people'. There are no people, there are ponies. A minor detail, but important nonetheless.

Keep things simple, focus on strong points, make necessary changes, and I feel you can get this character moving along in no time! You have a good foundation, now build upon it

[Whitefeather]

Hello there!

I can see you've been working hard on this app, but there's still some work to be done in order to get this character moving

This personally makes no sense to me. By giving her everything she needed, wouldn't that mean they were listening to her? And why would they give her anything at all if they didn't love her? This and other portions of the parent back story seem confusing and unfocused, maybe a bit rushed even? I'd recommend going back through this and rewriting it. Keep things like parent histories simple. There are ways to develop sensitive souls and nature lovers without terrible and/or dead parents.

Which is it? The cutie mark doesn't have anything to do with the both of them. Art, maybe, but where does the baking come from? I think you should try to focus more on this character's skill in art. Does she tie her love for nature and animals into her art? How so? My belief is that this application simply needs to follow one rule: K.I.S.S.

Keep It Simple, Silly!

As stated above by Phil, there is also still the mention of the word 'people'. There are no people, there are ponies. A minor detail, but important nonetheless.

Keep things simple, focus on strong points, make necessary changes, and I feel you can get this character moving along in no time! You have a good foundation, now build upon it

[colour=#FFA07A]T-Tried to [/colour][colour=#d3d3d3]fix[/colour][colour=#FFA07A]...? [/colour]

[QuickLime]

You are making progress and are almost there, but you seem to think they are picking on you D: They are only trying to help you unlock your potential so no more sad faces hn? :3

-prods-

Cheer up pouty face

[Whitefeather]

[colour=#FFA07A]Okay[/colour][colour=#d3d3d3]...[/colour][colour=#FFA07A]

[/colour]

[RarityDash]

I think you're really almost there, but there are still a few points I'm confused about.

CreamFeather's cutie mark comes from a time when everything she knew and loved turned on her because she'd accidentally did something wrong, terribly wrong...

You say this, but you don't ever tell us what this terrible thing she did is. If its important to her history, her motivation or her cutie mark story, it should be included. Not including it just makes us wonder.

Her cutie mark means everything to her, so she makes sure nothing happens to it and shows it as a symbol of her past, even though it's sad she does not want to forget it. To other ponies, they might ask her why her cutie mark is the way it is or what is it. But she thinks they look at it as a symbol of who she is. A shy, extremely shy, sensitive pony with a sad past but a happy life.

I'm not really sure how the cutie mark, a winged paint brush, connects to her past of anything sad or meaningful about it. You seem to indicate instead that it's more about her love of art, and that makes sense given what it is. How does it correlate to anything sad? I'm not sure what ponies would find so unusual about it either. As cutie marks go it doesn't seem that weird to me.

CreamFeather was very sucessful, she studied and did a few request for people and pretty soon she had her own bakery called "Cream Bakery."

This is fine, but you specify above that being an artist is her occupation. Having her own bakery makes it sound more like that is what is her actual job. She can still do both; one can be a hobby. The thing that she makes most of her money from should be what is listed as her actual job though, otherwise its just confusing.

[Whitefeather]

[Rosewind]

Hi! Any progress on the changes we need to move this character along?

[SonicRainboomGirl]

Just wanted to chime in and say that your ponysona picture is gorgeous!

[Whitefeather]

Hi! Any progress on the changes we need to move this character along?

[colour=#FFA07A]U-Uhm, [/colour][colour=#d3d3d3]yes[/colour][colour=#FFA07A]...[/colour]

[Whitefeather]

Just wanted to chime in and say that your ponysona picture is gorgeous!

[colour=#FFA07A]U-Uhm,[/colour][colour=#d3d3d3] thankies[/colour][colour=#FFA07A].

[/colour]

[Rosewind]

Hi there! I'm going to take over for Mojo, so I will be working with you on this application. I'm Rose, one of the SRP Staff. My goal is to help you get this character ready for the roleplay you have selected for her. I need some time to look over this application in detail before I can give you some solid feedback. I must warn you that I may ask you to change things about your character you may not like or appreciate, so consider this a chance for you to mentally prepare yourself.

As you may (or may not) be aware, World of Equestria (Mane RP) is a roleplay designed to represent FiM in a canon-strict environment. Because of this, we must review characters for the game as if they would appear in a real episode. I understand an OC can be a deeply personal and emotional investment, and to have someone else tell you that you need to change things about her (to make her work in the game) can be an upsetting experience. If you'd like, I can give you a few more days to review this application yourself, to give you a chance to make any adjustments now that you're armed with this new knowledge of how, exactly, I'll be reviewing your character. I'll be checking back periodically, so feel free to reply to this thread with any questions.

Until then, may the mystical aubergine and sandcats guide you.

[Whitefeather]

Hi there! I'm going to take over for Mojo, so I will be working with you on this application. I'm Rose, one of the SRP Staff. My goal is to help you get this character ready for the roleplay you have selected for her. I need some time to look over this application in detail before I can give you some solid feedback. I must warn you that I may ask you to change things about your character you may not like or appreciate, so consider this a chance for you to mentally prepare yourself.

As you may (or may not) be aware, World of Equestria (Mane RP) is a roleplay designed to represent FiM in a canon-strict environment. Because of this, we must review characters for the game as if they would appear in a real episode. I understand an OC can be a deeply personal and emotional investment, and to have someone else tell you that you need to change things about her (to make her work in the game) can be an upsetting experience. If you'd like, I can give you a few more days to review this application yourself, to give you a chance to make any adjustments now that you're armed with this new knowledge of how, exactly, I'll be reviewing your character. I'll be checking back periodically, so feel free to reply to this thread with any questions.

Until then, may the mystical aubergine and sandcats guide you.

Okie. Thanks.

[MidnightBlackhorn]

Hey there! I'm liking the character, and am really exited to have an RP session with you on ManeRP. I know it's hard work, but keep working at it. It's worth it, trust me.

[Whitefeather]

Hey there! I'm liking the character, and am really exited to have an RP session with you in Mane RP. I know it's hard work, but keep working at it. It's worth it, trust me.

[colour=#008080]Danke. ^ - ^ This has been updated on 12.4.12

[/colour]

[Rosewind]

Oh, fantastic! I'll have some feedback for you very soon. I got caught up with finals and things myself, so I'm eager to get this character moving along with you soon!

[Whitefeather]

[colour=#008080]Alright[/colour], [colour=#ffa07a]thank you[/colour]! ^ ^