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Sunset Sprint

ziddia

By ziddia
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ziddia 20% Cooler

ziddia

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Sunset Sprint!

Finalized. I enjoyed making him, hopefully I don't have to rewrite him at all now.

Name: Sunset Sprint

Sex: Male

Age: Colt

Species: Pegasus

Pelt Color: Yellow

Mane/Tail Color & Style: Red/Striped

Eye Color: Blue

Cutie Mark: A sunset over the sea.

Physique: Strong, stocky, fast

Residence: Manehatten

Occupation: Sunset really likes to show off his good flying skills, because he believes he is the best flyer in Equestria. He took up professional flying for a while, but he quickly gave up as it just wasn't what he wanted. He prefers to be a solitary pony, training alone. Despite it all, he has been beaten several times, and he has had to leave towns in shame many times before. He clings to the belief that he is going to be the best, and trains with that in the front of his mind. Whenever he visits a town he earns money through bets on races.

Motivation: He enjoys flying and racing other Pegasus ponies, he wants to be the worlds first pony to fly to the sun and back. He enjoys fire because it just seems so close to the sun to him, and likes to fly as fast as he possibly can. He believes that only by flying at high speeds can he break the atmospheric barrier between Equestria and the space beyond.

Likes: Fast flyers, Pegasus ponies, and the sun, especially at sunset on a beautiful day.

Dislikes: The moon, Earth Ponies, and the night.

Character Summary: Little Sunset was born a perfectly nice pony in Manehatten, to a pair of kind, loving parents, who thought he could do no wrong. At a very young age, he found a love for flying. While all Pegasus ponies have an innate love for flying at high speeds, he had a desire to go further. On the day he declared that he was going to be the greatest flyer in all of Equestria, his father, Dawn Runner, told him that if he just believed, he was sure he could do it.

Sunset took this to heart and dedicated himself to become the fastest, best flyer Equestria had ever seen. He decided that the only way he could be the best was to fly further than anypony had even been before- all the way to the sun! He quickly earned his cutie mark from his endless attempts at fulfilling this goal and he took this as proof he was the one. As soon as he was old enough to leave, he travelled around Equestria, showing off his talents and speed. Everyone found out that he was fast, but he lost friends as quickly as he made them because of his bragging, and he was beaten many times during his travels. Rather than putting him off, these failures make him more dedicated to his dream. As he travelled, he thought more and more about the sun, and decided that he had to be the one to reach it. He trained himself harder than ever, trying to break the barrier between Equestria and space. He is still training for this today.

Slowly, a contempt began to grow in him for all things to do with the land. He stayed off the land as much as he possibly could- even going so far as to stay off the floors of shops. He hated the Earth Pony for their weakness- the fact that they had no wings. The only things on the land that he did not despise were the Unicorns- he seemed to respect them because of their involvement with magic, which he admired greatly. At one point, he had a theory that magic could break the barrier. That experiment had ended with him on fire. He hadn't tried again.

Soon enough, he grew apart from everypony he had ever met. He studied the sun endlessly, trying to find a hidden clue within it to fulfilling what he saw as destiny. Eventually, in his frenzied state of mind, he came upon the idea that this must make him royalty, since Celestia- the great Princess- was the Queen of the Sun, and even his cutie mark showed that he was linked to the sun. He flew to her palace, intending to have an audience as so many ponies do, but was taken to a hospital after he visited a doctor for a burning feeling in his heart.

By the time he was brought into the hospital, he had nearly died from pure exhaustion. He had been running on empty for weeks, sometimes forgetting meals, and he had finally reacted to it. He became stuck in a coma for a whole month, while the doctors looked over him day and night. He was released early as he was back to full strength, but that definitely wasn't a good idea. He pushed himself even harder, to the point of collapsing to the ground in a plummet that nearly killed him. He spent a short time with a doctor who helped him learn that there was more to life than flying. At this time, he has just been released, and, while he still wishes to fulfill his supposed 'destiny', he is no longer pushing himself as hard as before and he knows that he can never try that hard again. He is hoping that he will find some way to the sun by magic, as it is clearly impossible for him to get there by brute force now.

Picture: I don't have one yet, I really need one though.

Misc: Sunset Sprint has an urge to seek out all the ponies that have ever bested him and try against them again. He has raced against some of those ponies many times. The fact that they always beat him makes him more than a bit angry.

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MyLittlePonyTales Alicorn

MyLittlePonyTales

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Alright, seems like a good start. However, I'm not sure what you mean about the sun appearing to be green.

Also, maybe add a bit about what his parents did? Also, how did he get his Cutie Mark? What does he do for a living? Why does he live in Manehatten rather than Cloudsdale?

Just add some more to the character. We know nothing about them except what you tell us.

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ziddia 20% Cooler

ziddia

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Okay! I did say at the top that it was developing, perhaps you missed it?

Anyway, thanks for the feedback. The moment the sun turns green is the moment it disappears over the horizon. It appears to turn a different color- at least, it does where I live. I think scientists said it was something about "Pollution in the air".

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MyLittlePonyTales Alicorn

MyLittlePonyTales

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Okay! I did say at the top that it was developing, perhaps you missed it?

Anyway, thanks for the feedback. The moment the sun turns green is the moment it disappears over the horizon. It appears to turn a different color- at least, it does where I live. I think scientists said it was something about "Pollution in the air".

Oh, well if it's a work in progress, please add a [WIP] tag to the title, so that the staff knows.

Also, I don't think there's a lot of pollution in Equestria, and I've personally never seen the sun green, so I don't think that part is going to work.

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MyLittlePonyTales Alicorn

MyLittlePonyTales

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I don't think "Flying, watching the setting sun, racing other pegasi" really fit for an occupation, unless he does racing for a living. An occupation is generally what a pony does in order to earn income/contribute to society. Those things would be better suited for the Likes sectionâ€â€Âalthough I think it's a given that (most) Pegasi like flying, unless stated otherwise

You say in his Motivation that he likes fireâ€â€Âbut you don't say why.

In the first sentence of the Character Summary, you say, "Little Sunset was bronchitis"...erm, typo?

On the day he declared that he was going to be the greatest flyer in all of Equestria, his father, Dawn Runner, told him of an ancient prophecy about their family, told to his ancient ancestors by the greatest Unicorn pony in all of Equestria. The prophecy said that their family would be the first ponies to reach the sun.

Sunset took this to heart and dedicated himself to become the fastest, best flyer Equestria had ever seen. He quickly earned his cutie mark from his endless attempts at completing the prophecy and he took this as proof he was the one.

I'm really not too keen on this part. It makes me feel like your character is leaning towards being too Mary-Sue. The entire thing about the prophecy just isn't sitting well.

Eventually, in his frenzied state of mind, he came upon the idea that this must make him royalty, since Celestia- the great Princess- was the Queen of the Sun. He flew to her palace, and broke down the doors trying to reach her. She was prepared to let him off with a warning, but the newly freed Princess Luna argued against it, saying that her sister had too soft a heart. Eventually, Celestia gave in and let him be imprisoned.

Prior relationships to main cast characters are not allowed, as stated in the Equestria RP – FAQ, which is also a set of RP rules.

Just try reworking the application. If you have any more questions or need any tips, feel free to ask.

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MyLittlePonyTales Alicorn

MyLittlePonyTales

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Fixed, I think. I took out the bit with the prophecy, because it was making him a bit Mary sue, and I fixed up the typo. Also, is the mention of Celestia enough to fail this? XD

Well, the way you had may not have seemed like a big thing, but you had Luna make a serious decisionâ€â€Âone which does not fit with the show, and that the person playing her did not agree to.

Now, about his Cutie Mark...I'm not sure what it looks like. Is it like, the sun rising over the Earth, or what? Just having a bit of trouble visualizing what you're going for.

Eventually, in his frenzied state of mind, he came upon the idea that this must make him royalty, since Celestia- the great Princess- was the Queen of the Sun. He flew to her palace, intending to have an audience as so many ponies do, but was taken to an asylum after he visited a doctor for a 'niggling feeling in his ear'.

This part just seems a bit out of place. I'm really liking where you were going with him in the previous paragraphs though. You've given him skill, but also made him flawedâ€â€Âwhich makes him more realistic. Try tweaking this part, and perhaps the next paragraph a bit. But I do like how he's coming along.

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MyLittlePonyTales Alicorn

MyLittlePonyTales

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Ya, kinda...it seems like you were taking it in one direction in the previous paragraphs, and then switched gears to something else. And, ya, an asylum doesn't really seem to fit in a world of magic and friendship. Though ponies do have rough and hard times, I don't think their troubles get as serious as mentally insane.

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MyLittlePonyTales Alicorn

MyLittlePonyTales

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Eventually, in his frenzied state of mind, he came upon the idea that this must make him royalty, since Celestia- the great Princess- was the Queen of the Sun. He flew to her palace, intending to have an audience as so many ponies do...

I think you might want to add that it was his Cutie Mark that made him feel he was royaltyâ€â€Âsince that would make sense, because his Cutie Mark is part of the sun.

...but was taken to a hospital after he visited a doctor for a 'niggling feeling in his ear'.

Okay, I'm not quite sure what you mean by this last part...perhaps it's just that "nigging" is the wrong word.

I feel that this application is coming close to completion, you've been very good about editing your application, and it is appreciated.

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Dio Wonderbolt

Dio

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So he likes to go fast and beat other ponies. What exactly does he do to keep himself fed and pay for training costs? Is he a member of some racing league like Corsair? Is he a free agent in the league system? Is he a drifter like Trixie? When interacting with other ponies, the question of "what's your job?" is inevitably going to come up. "Being awesome" doesn't always cut it; Sunset Sprint is not Charlie Sheen.

Also, the last line of his character summary seems to contradict the development made in the final paragraph. He's on the road to recovery and he's mellowed out a bit which is good. But suddenly he's still prepared to do anything to reach the sun? Including running himself into the ground? I'm not going to adjudicate his choices either way, but has his fundamental worldview changed or not? Did the accident reinforce his need to win or did he finally realize that he was mortal and fallible?

I know I'm getting kind of nitpicky at this point, but Sunrise has the potential to open himself up to a world of possibilities on the road to self-discovery. Hammering out those last few details and ensuring that his personality is solid will make RPing him more natural to you.

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Manestream Equestrian

Manestream

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Only thing I have noticed is that his age is listed as a colt, and that seems rather young for having a hand in professional flying; you might change it to 'young stallion', if that would better reflect his age. If he's intended to be a colt, perhaps you can elaborate on what involvement he's had towards professional flying- perhaps a desire, or attending professional races and racing on the sidelines.

since this is a minor fix, i am going to go ahead and approve/move the app and add you to the RP group- but I'd like to see you clarify that last detail.

Glad you worked so hard in this OC, it shows.

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