Pegasus Nightshade

[Vinyl Scratch]

On an unrelated note, I feel kinda funny cause I'm a member with more posts than a lot of RPers, oh and is there a list of post ranks somewhere? I'd love to read it oh, and when does the nightmare night RP event end? I heard it was on the 28th but I'm not sure if that's true

[Davroth]

click on your own current rank, and by that I mean the little picture under your avatar.

[brianblackberry]

“He decided to tryout for the Wonderbolts, after striking awe in them with his speed and agility, he was unanimously accepted into their ranks and given his title and uniform. He toured with them, showing off his style wherever he went, after realizing that he was not recognizable by his old friends in his uniform, he added an addition to his uniform, donning a traditional tactical flying scarf, a gray and black one to be exact. It worked, after informing his old comrades of his new look, he was easily distinguished among similar pegasi during shows.”

This comes off slightly gary-stuish. Its fine that he manage to make the cut and get accepted due to his demonstrations, but you may want to mention he competed and won a spot with the Wonderbolts without the reference of awing them. Just becoming one is quite the achievement and we don’t want to make the character too overwhelming.

“After a few years had passed, Nightshade had shown increasingly dangerous behavior, and took extreme risks during shows. After overhearing a conversation between nightshade and another Pegasi inside a local donut shop, they then realized that he did indeed know many dangerous stunts, they waited a bit, confirming that his attitude was indeed becoming a possible threat to the welfare of those around him. He was confronted about this "stunt" he had in mind that could easily lead to a fatality, and he became angered that they were unwilling to participate; he was expelled from the ranks of the wonderbolts promptly, his outfit was removed, left with only his scarf and an enraged Pegasus.”

This is the one area that I feel needs some tweaking. The Wonderbolts would not dismiss somepony for just wanting to pull off a dangerous stunt. What would be more realistic is that perhaps he was doing more and more dangerous stunts even though they asked him to tone it back. Being too self-centered (good rounded characters need character flaws) he refused resulting in a great but very dangerous stunt that caused injury to others. That fact (causing harm) would get him kicked. His self-centered attitude and ego would generate into blaming the Wonderbolts instead of himself for his firing and hence his dislike of them and wanting to “Show them up”.

I strongly feel going with these changes will make the app much stronger. I want to see this application finally approved and thus why I am writing pointing out the areas that need changes with suggestions so we can see the app done and you playing.

[Vinyl Scratch]

“He decided to tryout for the Wonderbolts, after striking awe in them with his speed and agility, he was unanimously accepted into their ranks and given his title and uniform. He toured with them, showing off his style wherever he went, after realizing that he was not recognizable by his old friends in his uniform, he added an addition to his uniform, donning a traditional tactical flying scarf, a gray and black one to be exact. It worked, after informing his old comrades of his new look, he was easily distinguished among similar pegasi during shows.”

This comes off slightly gary-stuish. Its fine that he manage to make the cut and get accepted due to his demonstrations, but you may want to mention he competed and won a spot with the Wonderbolts without the reference of awing them. Just becoming one is quite the achievement and we don’t want to make the character too overwhelming.

“After a few years had passed, Nightshade had shown increasingly dangerous behavior, and took extreme risks during shows. After overhearing a conversation between nightshade and another Pegasi inside a local donut shop, they then realized that he did indeed know many dangerous stunts, they waited a bit, confirming that his attitude was indeed becoming a possible threat to the welfare of those around him. He was confronted about this "stunt" he had in mind that could easily lead to a fatality, and he became angered that they were unwilling to participate; he was expelled from the ranks of the wonderbolts promptly, his outfit was removed, left with only his scarf and an enraged Pegasus.”

This is the one area that I feel needs some tweaking. The Wonderbolts would not dismiss somepony for just wanting to pull off a dangerous stunt. What would be more realistic is that perhaps he was doing more and more dangerous stunts even though they asked him to tone it back. Being too self-centered (good rounded characters need character flaws) he refused resulting in a great but very dangerous stunt that caused injury to others. That fact (causing harm) would get him kicked. His self-centered attitude and ego would generate into blaming the Wonderbolts instead of himself for his firing and hence his dislike of them and wanting to “Show them up”.

I strongly feel going with these changes will make the app much stronger. I want to see this application finally approved and thus why I am writing pointing out the areas that need changes with suggestions so we can see the app done and you playing.

Made the edits, added a few paragraphs for them. Hope they're up to par now I anxiously await your response

[brianblackberry]

Looking good. There are a few grammar issues but that isn't a reason not see this as now assessed.

For Great Justice!

[RCTwilightSparkle]

I have a few more comments for this application,

He toured with them, having a pretty great time wherever he went, after realizing that he was not recognizable by his old friends in his uniform, he added an addition to his uniform, donning a traditional tactical flying scarf, a gray and black one to be exact. It worked, after informing his old comrades of his new look, he was easily distinguished among similar pegasi during shows.

The Wonderbolts all wear the same regulation uniform, they perform their stunts as a team and the goal is not to stand out but to all blend in together and be something more than just individual pegasi. I do not think the Wonderbolts would allow one of their flyers to wear something like this for several reasons, it would break up their team look and it's dangerous. I could see the Shadowbolts being more lenient about customizing uniforms but I just can't imagine that the Wonderbolts would be alright with something like this. Maybe he didn't start wearing a flying scarf until he became a Shadowbolt?

How I think the RP would work: (OUTDATED)

I was thinking something along the lines of a warning if the shadowbolts are about to enter the RP with the wonderbolts, and if the wonderbolts don't want to RP it, then we'll simply reply with a departure, kind of like a spy type thing if the WBs aren't in the mood for it.

Short Example:

Me: The shadowbolts hid in the shade, debating wether or not the day would be a good time to strike. Some of the squad was for it, while others were against it, explaining that it would give no benefit to either team. While the other side argued that it would be simply for fun.

WBs in PM or something (maybe even a hint in RP that they aren't in the mood for any SB v WB RP at the moment: "Its been a long day Spitfire..." The wonderbolt felt exhausted, unable to move more than a few feet before tumbling a bit. The last thing he wanted was for something to surprise him.

This is of course, not that great of an example as this was done in 10 seconds flat, but I think you get the point, with PM messages, all they would need to say is something like "I don't really want to RP with the shadowbolts right now, do you think you guys could leave?" and with that, I would go to the topic and post something like "The mutual decision was to leave them be, there seemed to be no benefit to disrupting them, and even if the attack was for fun, it just wouldn't be as mentally rewarding as a challenge victory would."

Maybe we could even set up specific dates that a wonderbolt show would be going on and the shadowbolts arrived out of nowhere, but since the even was planned in advance, it would not be forced! Of course, these are just some ideas of mine, I think it could work. And shadowbolt wouldn't have to just be with the wonderbolts, it's not like their soul purpose in life is to dominate them, they have other things to do, my character Nightshade has a soft-spot for spas. As his parents once owned the most popular one in Cloudsdale (this has yet to be put in the app, i'll get to it later) So, what do you guys think?

This part of the app should be removed because invading Wonderbolt RPs isn't how the Shadowbolts will be operating. If you'd like to update it instead of removing it that would be just fine too! Thank you

[Pony_Sage]

Hey there, I would like to toss my two bits in to help you out on this. I've seen much work on this app but I have some points you might want to take a look at. The major problem I see is his cutie-mark. I don't see a story behind it. At the moment he has a cutie-mark but when did he get it? Was it before he left Cloudsdale, which is the best option but raises other questions, or was it after? Ponies usually get their cutie-mark when they are young, so him receiving it in Cloundsdale would make the most sense. Now this raises other questions. How is his cutie-mark the Shadowbolt's logo? If he got his cutie-mark when he was young, then Nightmare Moon would have had to copy his cutie-mark onto the Shadowbolt's uniforms, which really does not make a lick of sense. Since he copied the apparition Shadowbolt's costume to a 'T' the logo would have been copied as well, so the entire team would be wearing his cutie-mark as it stands. It just is very confusing. Maybe you could have him get his cutie-mark when he was young, explain it and his special talent, then the apparitions were made they either had a different logo from his mark and Nightshade here used his cutie-mark as his team's logo. Or Nightshade's cutie-mark was original and different from the apparition's logo and he decided to use the apparition's logo for his new team. Those are the two options that would make more sense.

That was the glaring issue that I see personally, next up are some smaller issues. as RCTwi said above me the customization of Wonderbolt costumes does not seem like something that would be allowed within their ranks. They are a national symbol after all, they have to be presentable! Also having him crash through a pillar is a wee bit too much injury for a single pony to withstand and not have major injuries or worse. Maybe he could crash through something a little less solid and painful? All occurrences of the team name of the Wonderbolts should be capitalized if at all possible, along with working on some of the grammar in the post to make it more readable. A good trick is to read the lines out loud and listen to yourself as you speak them, if it does not sound right to your ears, then it most likely needs some tweaking.

Onto his personality! This part worries me a bit to be honest. You describe his personality rather well in the section that you designated for it, however, as the application progresses into the character's background story his personality does not match. Specifically the point where he injures other ponies and does not care, that is very troubling. Actively hurting someone and not caring is a very strong marker of psychological problems that would manifest down the road. It also borders on not fitting into the theme of the "Mane" RP, anypony should care if they hurt another pony, it is just a common feeling. Nightshade having an absence of this feeling is a very dangerous thing. It means that he sees what he did as wrong and doesn't care, or does not see anything that he does as wrong. Both of these are, again, psychological markers for very bad disorders.

I am sure that if you were to work on these points, the application would be that much better!!

~Sage AkA Freddie Freewings

[MyLittlePonyTales]

For the Cutie Mark, I got the impression that you meant behind the Shadowbolt logo on his SUIT that it's a purple cloud. If you intended to have his Cutie Mark be the actual Shadowbolts logo, well... we're going to have to ixnay that. Pony_Sage addresses some alternatives, if this was indeed your intention.

[RCTwilightSparkle]

Cutie Mark: Dark purple cloud (Flank) SB logo w/ a purple cloud behind it (Suit)

He toured with them, having a pretty great time wherever he went, after realizing that he was not recognizable by his old friends in his uniform, he added a small addition to his attire, stitching a small edited Wonderbolt logo onto the flank of the uniform, nothing more than an addition of a cloud; the Wonderbolts seemed to be okay with it.

Please only use the cutie mark section of the application to explain his cutie mark, if his Shadowbolt suit has a modified logo on it that can be explained in character summary.

I'm sorry but he cannot have a modified Wonderbolt uniform, even if it's just a little patch. Like I mentioned before the Wonderbolts strive for teamwork and unity and would not allow a member to modify their uniform.

Edit:

Vinyl, I'm moving this back into applications, not because there is anything wrong with it but because I want you to be able to comment here in the thread! don't worry, it won't affect how long it takes for this app to get accepted, I just want you to be able to voice your opinions here in your own thread (I think it's only fair )

[Vinyl Scratch]

Please only use the cutie mark section of the application to explain his cutie mark, if his Shadowbolt suit has a modified logo on it that can be explained in character summary.

I'm sorry but he cannot have a modified Wonderbolt uniform, even if it's just a little patch. Like I mentioned before the Wonderbolts strive for teamwork and unity and would not allow a member to modify their uniform.

Edit:

Vinyl, I'm moving this back into applications, not because there is anything wrong with it but because I want you to be able to comment here in the thread! don't worry, it won't affect how long it takes for this app to get accepted, I just want you to be able to voice your opinions here in your own thread (I think it's only fair )

FIXED now PLEASE move it back. It's been removed twice already and I don't want to miss another "accepting spree" by getting moved yet again -.- I appreciate the gesture but I'd rather you didn't move it just because it's been back and forth way too much and I'm getting sort of tired of it.

[RCTwilightSparkle]

FIXED now PLEASE move it back. It's been removed twice already and I don't want to miss another "accepting spree" by getting moved yet again -.- I appreciate the gesture but I'd rather you didn't move it just because it's been back and forth way too much and I'm getting sort of tired of it.

The cutie mark section of this app still hasn't been fixed. Please take care of that and I'll be able to put the app back into accepted apps, but like I said before, just because it is in this forum and not in accepted doesn't mean it will take longer to be processed. Thank you

[Vinyl Scratch]

The cutie mark section of this app still hasn't been fixed. Please take care of that and I'll be able to put the app back into accepted apps, but like I said before, just because it is in this forum and not in accepted doesn't mean it will take longer to be processed. Thank you

NOW it's fixed, thought you meant something else lol

[RCTwilightSparkle]

NOW it's fixed, thought you meant something else lol

That actually isn't what I was talking about, under cutie mark you list both his shadowbolt logo and his cutie mark. Please remove how his Shadowbolt logo looks from the cutie mark section, it belongs in your character summary.

[Vinyl Scratch]

That actually isn't what I was talking about, under cutie mark you list both his shadowbolt logo and his cutie mark. Please remove how his Shadowbolt logo looks from the cutie mark section, it belongs in your character summary.

FIXED now I think

[brianblackberry]

Looks good, moving it back to accepted so the mods can give a once over for final approval.

[Skye]

Just FYI, we don't have 'accepting sprees', they get done whenever we get a chance to get to them, sometimes it can be next day, sometimes it may take a day or so. I personally tend to wait a little bit until at least three or four get built up and then I do them, but I'll sometimes do them when there's only been one in there. If your character gets moved back and forth, it doesn't mean you'll miss out on getting accepted. We just need your app to fit!

I'm on the verge of approving this as it stands now. I think it will be fine based on all the changes you've made thus far, except for just one change in wording I would like you to make. Part of it is because of where it is in the app, which makes it rather disjointed and a plug to have your character associated with Rainbow Dash that doesn't really need to be. So let's make just one last change and then it should be good to go.

In your very first paragraph,

He recognized rainbow dash during his years at Junior Speedsters Flight School, however he never knew her other than from when she performed a sonic rainboom during a race.

Please change this to:

During his years at Junior Speedsters Flight school, he witnessed an event that strongly influenced his motivation. A rainbow-maned Pegasus named Rainbow Dash performed a Sonic Rainboom during a race, which inspired him to try more extreme flying tricks. He never got the chance to meet her, but he'd seen her during other incidents, and her unique mane really made her stand out in his mind.

Then, later on where you say:

One misty day, during a routine flight pattern over the forest, he spotted a familiar multi-colored mane with three figures approaching the pegasus known as "Dashie" by many of her past and present friends, more known to Nightshade as an admirable pony that pulled off the impossible.

You can say:

One misty day, during a routine flight pattern over the forest, he spotted a familiar multi-colored mane near three figures. He recognized her as "Dashie" by many of her past and present, the pony who'd inspired him back in JSFS.

With these two fixes, I feel that he will be ready.

[Skye]

Please keep in mind what we have said about the RP invasion. Don't enter an RP you would like to RP the Shadowbolts vs the Wonderbolts until you have PM'd the players -BEFORE- you enter.

[Vinyl Scratch]

Please keep in mind what we have said about the RP invasion. Don't enter an RP you would like to RP the Shadowbolts vs the Wonderbolts until you have PM'd the players -BEFORE- you enter.

Thanks for the b day present! And don't worry about any "invasions"